Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

Hi Sandi, When i read your post, i cried... I specifically do not say rape because i don't think that i can handle the thought of that. It's one of those things that i've forgiven, but will never forget, so it's still there. When it gets talked about, it still hurts. I can understand why and how hurt he was, but just like i don't think an A is ever justified, neither is what he did to me.

Rape between H and W... tricky spot huh... Had he not been my H and done that I would have fought tooth and nail and screamed and argued, but because he is my H and I could see that he needed it, i let him. I didn't argue, i didn't say no. He said "I'm going to have sex with you now." I said that i didn't know, but if that's what he thought he needed, ok. This may be TMI, but i was hands and knees and he got behind me and just did whatever. I'm quite sure he couldn't have looked at me in the face and done that.

Ann, I don't know why you keep trying to hang in there and be treated like that.....you are worth too much for this. He is destroying your self-respect and any esteem you might have.

Sometimes, i don't know why i keep trying. oddly enough, it's not even because of how he treats me, but because of his lack to make any personal changes. It's one of those things where i know for a fact (i didn't think so a year ago) that i deserve better than this, but I'm hoping and praying that he can be the one to give it to me. I'm going to have 3 little girls this summer, they need their daddy, they need the whole family.

I think one of the hardest things in me dealing with his insecurities is that i don't throw anything back in his face. Not how he treated me before, not the telling me he wanted a D, not the sex... nothing. I just can't do that. What's been done is done. Doesn't mean it doesn't need to get fixed, but that there is no changin it now, so what's the point in arguing it to death. do i worry that he'll go back to how he was, yes. Do i worry that one day, he'll get tired of waiting for me to fall back in love with him and give me another ultimatum... yes. I just know that those are my issues and today, i'm living for today. Not what might happen years or months from now, but what can i do today to make tomorrow better.

I will say one thing though. If that ever happens again, i will walk. No questions asked. He will need to seriously face some issues before we get past a second round of that.

Thank you sandi!