Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[runningoutoftime]

Mike,

I'm sorry to read about that... especially after you've had such a long-term marriage That's a shame. As you probably know, statistically, the chances of OM filing for divorce are low, and the chances of them marrying and living happily ever after are even lower.

But you can't worry about any of that. You just have to concentrate on your own life, and rediscovering yourself as an individual. Thank G your kids are grown. Hang in there buddy.

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

Hope your first day back at work was good. It's good to keep busy, especially when your mind keeps running over the same things over and over and you can't do anything about them. Yes, busy is definitely good. My new job starts on the 28th and I'm looking forward to the change and a new challenge. I'm turning 43 tomorrow, so a new year for me, a new dog and a new job and, hopefully a new M w/ my H!! If anyone had told me I'd be in this situation at this age, I would have laughed. I'm not laughing. But I'm hopeful.

My H has been very, very distracted and depressed about not finding work. Yesterday he found out AGAIN that he did not get a job he had interviewed for. If I'm not mistaken, I think he's gotten every job he's ever interviewed for. I know this is a huge, huge problem for him, as it would be for any man (woman too, but I think men more so define themselves by the work they do - don't mean to offend anyone). So I'm trying to stay away from any and all R talk. He doesn't need the pressure and I don't want to go there and have him tell me something I don't want to hear. I'm also trying to keep that in mind when I'm thinking about his behavior. He's been playing sports & hanging w/ his guy friends alot, but he calls me most days at least once & sometimes he comes to the house & had supper w/ us. I still get daily ILYs on the phone and hugs and kisses when I see him, but he is very subdued and quiet. I'm biting my tongue alot to keep from talking about R.

Today I reminded myself that right now for H, finding a job is the #1 concern. I'm trying to push thoughts of OW out of my mind and just concentrate on being patient regarding our R. There has been so much damage done over the past two years and there are so many factors to sort through, for both of us, that I know it is absolutely imperative that I be patient w/ myself & w/ H. I know what you mean about dating, & not letting your W move back right away. I guess that's the way I have to think about what we are doing right now. It's hard when you are married to someone and have shared so much together - there are so many expectations - but I guess that's the way it has to be for now. I'm hoping that once he finds a job and starts feeling better about himself, he can start thinking about the future again & will start talking about it w/ me. Until then, I have to take it day by day, stand by him and show him that even though he feels he is a complete failure, I still love him and believe that this is only temporary. I know I can't do anything to help him get through this except that.

And I'm trying to continue to concentrate on myself. I need to be positive & strong to keep H's depression from dragging me down w/ him. Maybe he'll see me as a buoy he can hang onto if he needs to, though I know that's not what he wants - he's supposed to be the one taking care of his family & that's why he feels like such a failure, on top of what he did to me by having an A.

Such a messy, messy sitch. Plus there's the money thing, or lack of, which I am trying really hard not to stress about. THIS is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE 180 for me. I ALWAYS complained about money, his spending, our debts, I used to get totally stressed about it, couldn't sleep, talking to him about my worries over & over, making him feel that no matter how hard he worked, it wasn't enough. This is something he told me was a big problem in our M. Now I don't even bring it up, except matter of factly to tell him about things I will do to address urgent financial issues that are starting to come up. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm now the one bringing in money & b/f as a SAHM, I was totally dependent on H financially.

So, things aren't great, but they're not terrible. I know I could easily work myself up into a lather (as I am prone to do, and will probably do again), worrying about things that I don't know, speculating about OW being in the picture making him feel better about himself like she did during the A, that his depression and quietness are from his guilt about still seeing OW, and on, and on, and on. But I think my logical mind is starting to figure that OW probably wouldn't be hanging around someone who has no job, no prospects, no money to spend on her like he used to - in short, the fantasy world of their A has been blown apart, and I doubt their R wold be strong enough to survive his current state of mind. I could be wrong about that, of course, and if I am, what can I do except continue what I'm doing.

I guess I'm feeling more balanced today. Wonder how I'll feel tomorrow, on my Birthday?

FA

[runningoutoftime]

Happy Birthday FA! Try to have some fun...

{{{{hugs}}}}}

[Heartbroken]

FA,

Tomorrow is MY bday too! So happy early bday - I am in class all day Thurs/Friday and up north for a girl's weekend and off on Monday - WOW I just made my day!!

Happy Birthday to YOU!

HB

[BeingMe]

Happy Birthday, FA! I hope you had a good day, despite the situation you find yourself in!

It is so hard to deal with all the emotions surrounding your M, and the betrayal, etc., when you are dealing with financial issues, and your H not having a job. Perhaps it might be a good idea to make a list of priorities, and things you want to deal with, and what order you want to do so. Maybe you will be able to see on paper, what you need to do, and it will all seem so much less scary. You could even give each thing a time to be completed. The list could look like this:

1. Do best I can at work, so that D's home is secure ... ongoing.
2. Help H find a job, or be supportive of him when he goes for interviews ... next three months, and then assess.
3. Continue with counselling ... next year.
4. Continue with GAL activities ... ongoing.
5. Find ways to detach from H's issues, and work on my own ... ongoing, but taking stock every month or so.
6. Plan mental time-out activity to regroup ... once a week for an hour (I find this a good time to meditate and reflect on good things in my life ... a time of affirmation).

Anyway, this is just an example of what you could be doing, and maybe you are doing this already. Coming here is like journalling too, and it's good to have all these wonderful people to bounce ideas off of, and vent to.

Thinking of ya!

[fooled again]

Hi Heartbroken,

Happy Birthday to you too. I hope you have a FABULOUS w/end!!

Funny, theoden suggested that I read your thread since he thought our sitchs had a lot of similarities, but I haven't had a chance to yet. I'm going to take some time to do that later today, and with us having the same BDay, now I'm REALLY curious!

FA

[fooled again]

BeingMe,

Thank you. Today I am feeling good about myself. I dressed in an outfit that makes me look and feel great, I slept pretty well and I will be going to the gym today. I have decided to make today great for myself!

Last night my H called me around 11:45 to say goodnight after his game. He told me how great I looked and that I don't at all look 43. He also talked about how great I'm doing w/ my life and my goals. We talked till just after midnight, so he wished me Happy Birthday and said ILY. It was great to hear that before going to sleep.

My natural tendency can be to be pessimistic, so the thought popped in my head that maybe he said those things last nite b/c he's ready to move on and he sees that I'm doing okay so he won't feel guilty about leaving me. Isn't that crazy? I mean, this is what we all long to hear, and here I am looking at things like that in the worst possible way. Could explain alot about what things were missing in my M and how I interpreted alot of the things he said to me as criticisms, when that was not his intention at all. So another 180 for me is to try not to tease apart everything H says to me to look for the negatives, accept H's compliments at face value and try to be more self-confident.

Last w/end I asked my H if we could have an evening alone together this w/e, and my parents could babysit for free. He's out of work & has no $$ so I suggested he cook me a BDay dinner at his place, or something simple & cheap like that. He said he'd think of something. I'm really curious about what he'll come up0 w/ and a little apprehensive b/c I haven't been to his place in months. OW spent quite a bit of time there w/ him and some of her stuff was still there the last time I was there. But I'm going try to push those thoughts out of my mind and try my best to relax and enjoy tomorrow evening w/ H.

I REALLY like your idea of the list of priorities - I am a list-maker, but I have been having trouble with lists that have to do with my M and DBing. The list you made is actually very applicable to my sitch, and though I may be doing some of these things, it's the re-evaluation and follow-up I have difficulty with. Maybe a list will help me stay focussed on my progress. Thank you for the suggestion.

Take care.
FA

[fooled again]

Thank you, runningoutoftime. I will!!

FA

[micoms]

fooled,

What about him making you pizza? LOL. Do you and D go to his hockey games? How is D and your dog getting along, might be a good idea for her to do some of the obedience training with you. Just stopped to visit your thread, back to work now, not as much free time.

Mike

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

I took the day off today & was just on your thread w/ grid & HHIF (I'm afraid I wrote another novel).

Pizza! That's good, but I'm the dough girl. LOL. Last night he came over for my BDay dinner, but he was distant & distracted. It was very unnerving & I found it very difficult not to let that affect me. He also seemed lukewarm about tonight - I told him it was okay if he had other plans but to let me know now if he was going to cancel. He said he was not going to cancel but didn't know what we would do. I said it didn't matter but at least we would get to spend some time alone together, if that's what he wanted too. He didn't say anything.

I just don't know what to make of his distraction. And yes, I know it does me no good to speculate, but it's really hard not to, knowing that I missed so many messages he was sending me before his A. Now I am over sensitive to him and it's difficult to turn off. He seemed negative about everything. Is it all b/c of his not having a job and money (so no $$ to buy BDay present or take me out) - I know that could very well be it. It could have to do w/ my parents being around. Or maybe there is something to do w/ OW. Or maybe, and this is a shot in the dark, b/c I have not been talking about our M, he is wondering if I don't want him anymore. I had given him DB to read and he hasn't returned it. If he has read it and is using DB techniques, he would be not talking about M either. So how does that work, if neither of us want the other to know that we are DBing? It's something I've considered before.

I was thinking that maybe tonight I should try to talk about M a little bit and see how he reacts. If I sense that it's not a good thing, I can always back off and change the subject. But I wonder what would be a good way to lead into a small R talk. I actually have no idea where to start, what I should say or not say. I mean, I don't want to mention OW at all, nothing. I also don't want to make him feel worse about him not working or $$, so that's another one I won't bring up. Or maybe I should just not say anything at all and just have fun. God this is hard. I'm dying to talk about R w/ him. I'm dying to ask him what's on his mind, but any hints I drop, he doesn't respond to, so I drop it. Ugh.

No, D & I don't go to his hockey games - they are usually at night. I used to go to almost all of his games b/f we had D. Last time I wanted to go, he told me that he thinks I'm bad luck b/c he got hurt 2x when I was watching. That hurt, but now I think it's b/c he was in his A and didn't want me around his friends who may have met OW.

D loves the dog, and definitely obedience training is a must. We had some barking issues, but that's settled down. Now she's digging in my garden and still doesn't come when called. I will be bringing D to obedience training so she can learn what she needs to know to control the dog, though of course I know that it will be up to me.

Glad to hear that you're busy at work. Thanks for stopping by.

FA