W has filed for the D,where to from here

[fooled again]

HHIF,

Maybe I've got this DBing wrong, but my understanding is that we should just DO this, not tell our S what we are doing and why.

For example, I want sooooooo badly to talk to my H about our M, to ask him what is going on his his head, if he still wants to be w/ me someday, if we still have a future, as he has told me all along. He has been acting distant, distracted, down, and I am worried that it's b/c he is still seeing OW. Instead of telling him that I am not going to talk about our M, I'm just not talking about it w/ him. See? Instead of telling him I'm not going to call him but I will let him call me, I just don't call him. Instead of telling him that he can do whatever he wants w/ his time, I just don't ask him what he has been doing or is planning to do (well, I'm not doing so well on that one).

Your W wants to talk about D and finances. So maybe you should go to dinner, and let her talk, let her lay out her plan, her ideas, her thoughts. Don't say anything about not wanting the D - she knows that already. Don't tell her what you want or don't want. Just listen to her. If she asks what you think, say that you need to think about what she has proposed. And leave it for awhile. Talk about other things at dinner too, normal every day things. Later, when she asks you about what you think about her proposals, if her plan is fair, tell her so. Tell her to do what she has to do. Let her take this as far as she wants to take it. My understanding is that you can't stop her in this, and if you try, she will push back. The more you try to stop it, the harder she will push back. When you stop trying to stop her, she will having nothing to push back on and she will be left to really think about what she is about to do. Maybe that's when she will realize that this may be a mistake. But as long as you are working against her, she can't concentrate on what she is doing; she is only concentrating on you trying to stop her.

That is only my understanding of how this DBing thing is supposed to work. I may have it all wrong, and I can certainly understand how supremely challenging it is to actually do. In fact, every single day I fight to not do what I think I should be doing to save my M. I think I should talk to my H about our M, I think I should tell him how afraid I am of losing him, I think I should remind him of all the great times we have had, I think I should tell him what this is doing to our D, I think I should call him often, tell him how much I love him, and so on, and so on. I did that for 1.5 yrs - it didn't work, he continued his A. It wasn't until I said I was done w/ him and our M that he woke up. Of course my sitch is complicated by other factors, but that's when I saw a change in him.

Mike, that's what I was saying to you too. Time to back off. Time to let them do what they think they need to do w/out telling them the same things you have been telling them for the past weeks and months. They know. Time to give them the time & space to let the reality of the future they are working towards really hit them in the face. Pull back completely. If she really wants a D, you won't have made her want it more by pulling back. But if a part of her isn't sure, and she gets a taste of life w/out you, maybe she won't like that taste, and maybe she will start to doubt that what she is doing is the right thing. That may be the only way she will see it clearly.

Now I just have to be able to do the same thing myself. Easier said than done, that's for sure.

FA