WOW!! It sounds like you are really DB'ing!! Applying what you're learning not just to your R, but to everything else in your life. That is sooooo wonderful and so powerful!
Keep it up!!!
I want to hear more about these new "seek to understand, then to be understood" revelations!!
H is so silly not to be with me, I'm actually pretty great!
That is so true- you are great! You would also be Queen of Puddings Essie (see my thread!)
Originally Posted By: Essie
From today I will wait another 30 days before I initiate any more contact I think.
Do you think I'm on the right track?
I think you are being so strong and centered in your DBing and am really inspired by it. especially given I haven't even managed to go a week NC!
I am still wondering whether your H might feel as though a barrier to contacting you has been lowered by your friendly and non-pressured contact/text. So perhaps he will initiate some contact himself as a result. It would definitely be interesting to see if that is the case. Sometimes setting rules/fixing time periods prevents us from making adaptive changes when we need to- and we can tend to get fixated on the end, rather than the journey. I think good DBing is about the journey in many ways though- learning about ourselves and making adaptive changes as and when necessary.
So....do you think might be worth seeing if the contact you made precipitates any change over the next week or two and then decide on a rule on initiating any more contact after that? Just my $0.02!
Essie! It think you are very on the right track. The only thing I would say is that I wouldn't put a schedule on anyhting. I think it would be better to keep dark until something makes you think it is time to change that. You don't seem like the sort that will change your plan on a whim, so I think it would be ok for you to operate a bit more open ended.
Wow, I will have to take this advice to heart with my situation. I have been planning on staying dark for four months... to six months. (already 2 1/2 months in). But what you said is much smarter, to wait until something happens that makes me think it's time to change. no schedule....
T, I think a schedule makes sense if you know you are prone to changing on a whim. But I think both you and Essie are aware enough of yourselves to think and adapt, if you need to, rather than force a plan on yourselves. For some people, I think a planned time might be best.
Thank you Transformer, ba065, One Day and dry_heat! It is so nice to be with people who understand. I can see how these boards would get addictive. I really really appreciate all your encouragement.
I acknowledge that I'm stronger that when H first left. And I'm strong when H is not around, but I hate that I turn to mush when he is around and it feels like all my DB-ing resolutions go out the window. I so miss him but not the drama!
I feel like you guys know me so well - I LOVE to have plans and rules!!! Note to self - be more flexible. I've used the 30-day rule before to stop me in moments of weakness calling H to ask him the most ridiculous things just to hear his voice. Its a pretty stupid rule because I dont know what I'd do if I got to the end of 30 days with no contact - but it helps to have something to aim for. I'm trusting that you guys will be able to give me input when I need to adapt and re-evaluate.
Hi Essie, your sitch sounds much like mine...its horrible isnt it, you try and be brave and accept it, but of course you miss them and count the days and feel powerless I guess. I also have no kids so worry theres no ties there, but we have joint property so some reason to speak to me, unless we decide to sell up. My BF of 9 years left 2 1/2 months ago and at first he sounds same as your H, being defensive and angry. I made the decision to stop contact and I also set myself a 30 day limit and am also not sure what will happen at end of Jan ! Hmm..
My BF also suffered an "emotionally" absent father and domineering mother and his Dad died 2 1/2 years ago, which I think started all this..we also, like you, moved away a year ago and then he did the ILYBINILWY. I also am finding it a bit hard, living alone now and not knowing many people..but gradually, invitations come in and things start to happen..its like they say, if you create a vacuum, something will rush in to fill it. Its not easy though being in this situation far from home, I agree with you. I'm going for a job in a brasserie, where the staff are lovely, may be a way to meet single people. You could try that?
I'd be interested to know how your NC is going, I struggle daily, but then distract myself and before you know it, another day has gone by. Congratulate yourself on being strong and not picking up the phone, keep going...
---------------------- Me: 36 H: 34 T: 9 years ILYBINILWY: 2 Nov 07 Moved out: 15 Nov 07 NC: 1 Jan
My baby sister told me that you dont find the right guy you train them into thinking you are great and should be treated with respect. (It is so great to be getting advice from her - she has so much attitude). How do you train them I hear you ask? Its like teaching a kid to finish their dinner - if they dont finish they dont get dessert.... You know that you are hot and so the "prize" is your attention. If they do something you dont like you withdraw your attention. But when they are being good you shower them with positive attention.
Do you think I can ring H and beg him to come back so I can "train" him? (Ha ha!!)
I'd really like to know how I missed out on the confidence and my sister got it all! I thought I was doing the right thing by 'working' on our relationship and being caring and thoughtful.... turns out I needed to respect myself first.
I hope DB is going to work for me, I really really missed H today.
