well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[LoginName]

Hi Cat,
Keeping up as best I can, I feel, despite the setbacks and the issues, there is still very good reason for optimism. I've been thinking about what, if anything I can say or do to help you, especially because all of us in Peicing share many of the same problems (yours are larger scale than mine, but I feel the issues are similar).

And then I read PS's post just now, and I think that is still the best advice: Be healthy and happy on your own. It seems unfair, after all the GALing and detaching you've already done, with the promise of something different and of intimacy, that you should have to detach again now.

It's not a sprint, or even a marathon: it's extreme long distance running. You need to pace yourself. Slow down. Back off. Go back to giving him lots of space with no expectations.

The MC might disagree and encourage you to engage more instead of less. Maybe engage in the C sessions and at home detach? Maybe there is a way to do both at the same time: speak your mind, share your feelings, but matter of factly, while you remain detached.

You don't need him to be happy. You don't need him to validate you. If he continues to miss lunch dates, or to contact you, or whatever, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it doesn't reflect on you, your value, your desirablity, your lovableness, or anything else. Write him off in a way. You've learned you can't expect him to make a lunch date. So next time, if you agree to meet, don't count on him making it, don't expect it: set it up so you will have a good lunch even if he doesnt show up.

Basically, as PS said, "find a way to be healthy and happy".

I want to share a bit about MC too. From reading yours and others posts, I feel I was lucky with my MC, and that MCs might not know as much as we'd like them to know.

My MC, when I suggested my wife and I separate, said we'd been separated too long in our marriage, so the last thing we needed now was more separation. My wife and I did separate, and for us (really for her) it was the right thing to do. She was able to focus on herself, I was able to detach and get strong, and that gave us (especially her) the ability to come back to the relationship.

My MC scared me when we first saw him. He would not say he was there to help us save our M, he said he would help us be healthier. He said the sessions were not a safe place (and I learned that quickly when my W said things in the sessions that really hurt). The MC would push my W to open up, and to do homework, but if my W balked or refused, the MC didn't push and he backed off. At least with my W, that was the right thing to do. I think many of the spouses in these situations feel backed into a corner with no room to even breath. They get very defensive. Some try hard to do what they think is right, even if it goes against their instinct (which is to run). I think backing off and letting them out of the corner relieves that feeling of being trapped and then they can choose to do the right thing themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think we on this board often know as much if not more (especially of our own sitchs) then the MC.

One last thing for now: my W really does want to be with me now. She wants to make us work. She has apologized for what she did. The apology isn't enough. Sometimes I want more of an apology. Can't she see how terrible it was? Can't I ask for and expect more of an apology? And of course, I can't. What could she say, what could she do to apologize? She can never make up for what she did. It's MY issue to deal with. She can't make it better for me. I'm lucky I got an apology at all. I'll be happy with that. Would an apology for him missing lunch really make a difference? Maybe, but not much. You know, he's shown you, what you can expect of him right now. Don't expect any more than that - don't even expect that much.

Be healthy and happy on your own (This even applies 5 years from now when you're happily married to this same guy and this sitch is a memory).