When do they?

[saffie]

Once the word is out, the reputation of the other person is soiled

That depends. Some people think it's kind of cool to act that way. Guys that would never give my H the time of day before they found out about his A, (because he is a very quiet sort of person), actually patted him on the back and winked at him as though he was a 'good ole guy'!!!! They didn't seem to notice that my H was uncomfortable with them condoning sleazy behaviour. Having said that my H is not religious so he didn't care what any of our christian friends thought about what he had done. Also he felt that he had been so unhappy in our M that he had done nothing wrong when it all came out.

Now he feels differently and is very sorry for the pain he caused me and the embarrassment his behaviour has caused good family friends, but he doesn't feel 'soiled' or 'shamed' by the knowledge being out their in the public demain and I got a lot of support from people when it did become public. What I didn't do was bad mouth my H publicly about his behaviour and we were exteremely careful to let our friends know that we did not want sides taken whatever the final outcome. All our friends were OUR friends and not pawns in a power struggle. The A was a result of things between my H and I NOT our friends.

I think it is the way you go public that is important.

I was not as careful about things I said about OW and I hope if any of my friends came across her they would give her short shrift.