Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[SameButDifferent]

I think i might have realized a part of the reason why... Immediately after EA, H made me have sex with him. It wasn't at gun point or anything, but I was hardly in a position to say no and i would have. It hurt like hell and I cried the whole time and he eventaully stopped. I let him do what he wanted. I know (for some reason) that he needed that. I just laid there in bed and cried. He said a simple sorry after he was done and never said anything about it afterwards and I did my very best to forget about it.

Ann,

I'm just catching up with your thread, and I'm VERY concerned about this situation. Having this piece of contect changes a lot about how I would approach the situation:

1. I think your approach may be inappropriate. By this I mean you see changing the way you communicate with him as a '180' but in his mind it's still pressure. Consider a COMPLETE no expectations commitment on your part.

2. I think a true 180 for you might be to stand up for yourself completely. You were essentially raped, and even if you've forgiven it (which I respect tremendously) the fact that you haven't completely shut down similar behavior since (groping, 'just climbing on expecting you to be ready', etc.) is just perpetuating acceptance.

It will take a HUGE amount of conviction on your part, but a statment like: "If you want any affection/intimacy from me, you're going to have to build it WITH me. If you choose to continue to do those things, I will not be intimate with you. If you choose to learn how to treat me like a lover, I may." Be prepared for a significant level of response. Also be prepared to stick to your guns, approach it 'one day at a time' if you have to.

From an intimacy standpoint, maybe this is also a LRT, but it could have some other consequences:

Consider that he's insecure about where he stands with you. In his subconscious, maybe he's wondering: 'If she lets me do whatever I want, why should I think she doesn't let some OM do whatever he wants?'

I know you've tried to 'communicate' that these things are uncomfortable. That hasn't worked. It's time to do something COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

You're an incredibly strong woman to have made it through all of this - keep up the great conviction, but PLEASE consider that what you're doing is still focused a LOT on changing him.