W less angry with me, but not ready for piecing

[Lian]

"Well W is very happy, We've mounted this 32" flat screen TV on the wall in our very large kitchen"

From my view your situation looks , you and your wife having a big purchase for the house. So it might means that she is not planning to move any time soon

[wawpioneer]

I will have to agree with fb2 but I am having a hard time. First question my councelor asks me when I ask him those questions is...How will your demands or questions for her about the OM benefit the relationship? I agree that there needs to be some atonement, gesture, or statement of how she has done wrong and how she regrets what she has done. I just don't know when or if we will ever get those or if it would really benefit your new R. I would like to hear more feedback on this as well because it is on my mind too.

[Lanzo]

Ok let me tell you all where I'm coming from,

2005 W and I are in problems, she meets OM, spends night with him I find out. She still maintains contact with him by phone and text for another 3 months. I realise what's going on and I make her break contact. We agree it's done she should have no more contact with him, if he contacts her she would let me know and we deal with it together. Fast forward 2 years W gets very angry with me and uses this as excuse to jump in to full blown A with OM. Hey what happened to no contact.

So from my point of view what happens if we hit bad patch again, has she got OM still waiting ? What I'm after is for W to show some remorse, and to show me that her episode with OM is done. I want her to tell me her no more contact etc me. I don't want to have to tell her. It feels like we've skipped this stage and W wants to move forward as if nothing has happened. I don't feel like I can let that happen. However I can see I need to let the new R strengthen before we discuss potentially hurtful and damaging stuff.

[Lian]

I do not know if that helpful but the author of the "5 love Languages" has another book about the languages of apology. It is the same premise that people have their own way of processing apology.

I do not know if it would be helpful for you to find your.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn_apology.html

[GFI]

Perhaps you need more TVs???

[GFI]

Hi Lan,

Have been thinking how close your feelings are with OM to mine. I too have been desperate for an apology and "attonement" but I have come to accept that there's only a remote possibility of this coming. In fact I have a feeling W thinks she's done me a favour! Saved me from myself. Now while this does have a ring of truth to it, I have a problem understanding how that absolves her from a heartfelt apology.

But this whole sitch is not fair and I cling onto the line I have read several times - what do you want? your W or to be right?

If your W is anything like mine, she'll be hurting pretty badly and struggling to sift through lots of possibilities and scenarios. I don't think there would be any ground to be gained through pushing for an apology.

Is there anything in W's actions which can show intent or point to her feelings - is there a possibility that these can "tell" you something which you're not hearing but which in reality could be much more valuable to you than words which, after all, have in all likelihood been used previously to deceive you - they certainly were in my case.

I still think there is more positive stuff here than meets the eye - like a "tell" if you like in poker if you like.

Best - GFI

[fb2]

I know a couple that got back after 1.5 years in D and before it was final. I see 0 remorse from the W even 10 years later - she thinks she was 100% justified because she was "hurting" and the only way she would get "heard" is to "hurt" him back. The H wisely just keeps his cool to this day.

Remember we men are from Mars and are not supposed to fee "hurt" by all the garbage thrown at us - it fact we aren't supposed to have "feelings" but we are supposed to "validate" our W's feelings all the time while we are processing a 100 other demands. It would be helpful to get feedback directly from the wise women on this board as to how to approach this sitch or we may be missing the point and going off along the wrong track.

[not an ex yet]

As a woman I can guarantee you that your W is thinking about what she has done every time she speaks to you. I would bet that at some point when the R is more stable, if not now, she will want to apologize and talk about what happened. The problem is timing. I know I have a hard time wanting to bring something like that up when things are going so well. It's like you don't want to screw up everyone's happy times with something like that. For me, (keep in mind I have never had an A, so I could be way off) I would almost need my H to break the ice and bring it up in order to open the door for an apology.

Maybe you should decide if you REALLY do forgive your wife, and when you are sure you have forgiven her...tell her. That would be the perfect opportunity for her to let out her feelings on it.
Maybe at some point she will approach you about it, but either way I think you need to be sure you have forgiven her. Once you do, maybe the need for you to get an apology or explanation from her won't be so important.
Just my 2 cents.

[Lanzo]

Hi All,

Thanks for those recent comment. Maybe I'm getting ahead of myself and I'm discussing things which should be dealt with if and when we are piecing the M back together.

I think an apology would be nice, but I'm more concerned by the fact that OM has been around for more than 2 years and this is the second time W has said shes done with him. The feeling I have is that I can DB my butt off all I want, make all the good changes she sees, but one slip or backslide means she runs to him again. It's a very heavy guillotine to have hanging over you.

I'm not going to push for anything, I just gonna go with it and see if this is indeed W's way of expressing her apology without having to say those words.

Incidentally the other night W and I were chatting in bed (she chats a lot now) and we reach one of those silences before we go to sleep. I leave it to her to say good night if she wants to. Anyway she tentatively snuggles against my arm. I so wanted to pounce on her, but I left it and didn't respond. I guess that was the right thing to do at the moment probably too soon for anything else.

[Lanzo]

Hi not an ex yet,

W has already put herself in some kind of self protection mode cos she's already said to me (without me prompting) "I know you'll never forgive me for all of this".

I didn't have an answer at the time, but now I would say "do you want to be forgiven".

Lan