well, all hell broke loose, it is over and done

[Aud31]

I hope you have a nice lunch with him Cat. ((hugs))

[limbo]

(((Cat)))

Just checking in, and wanted to again say I think that you are amazing! And you are doing a great job!

[cat03]

thanks gals! *sigh* yet again H is doing his dissapearing act, it is almost 1 and no sign of him, we agreed on him bringing lunch, he had to get $ out of the bank and buy himself some stuff from the grocery store for tonight, so far, he didnt' take any $ out of the bank yet, meaning, he won't here by the time he'd say he would, it is snowing badly and I doubt he'll have time to buy food and come over to eat w/me.

This is getting old, he has hrs alone in which I have no clue what he is doing, hasnt' answer my txt nor my call, I was trying not to contact him and just wait, but he is just not making things better, i foresee another fiasco today, bleah.

Red, he is in the house, he just works long hrs 4days a week plus court and some nights he stays at the station if he has court the next day, so there he doesn't come home 2days in a row sometimes (or more).

[cat03]

well, he said he fell asleep (taking a nap before work), so no lunch, he appologized, I still wanted a more effusive appology...*SIGH* ok, so that was one of my faults and his bone of contention, that I wanted him to keep appologizing.
I'm still pretty ticked off, guess I'll have to learn to cool down faster, or something...

[RedHeadWife]

That sucks, one more thing you get to *handle* gracefully, but it could be worse, right?

I know I've found that I feel like I'm the one *doing the work* in my M now. H is obviously completely recommitted, but b/c I was the one on this side of the whole D bomb, I learned how much work an M really takes, etc. They don't learn the lessons we do unfortunately.

[peaceful_spirit]

Cat,
I think your H is very, very lost right now. No, he shouldn't have fallend asleep and blown you off for lunch. Not if he's committed to working on the M and really fixing things.

The problem is (and I've lived this), I don't think he's capable of working on the M right now. I think he is too lost himself to try to meet the needs of somebody else. He doesn't even know how to meet his own needs in a healthy way, so how can he meet yours? He can't.

You will need to find a way to be healthy and happy while your H is trying to figure himself out.

[LoginName]

Hi Cat,
Keeping up as best I can, I feel, despite the setbacks and the issues, there is still very good reason for optimism. I've been thinking about what, if anything I can say or do to help you, especially because all of us in Peicing share many of the same problems (yours are larger scale than mine, but I feel the issues are similar).

And then I read PS's post just now, and I think that is still the best advice: Be healthy and happy on your own. It seems unfair, after all the GALing and detaching you've already done, with the promise of something different and of intimacy, that you should have to detach again now.

It's not a sprint, or even a marathon: it's extreme long distance running. You need to pace yourself. Slow down. Back off. Go back to giving him lots of space with no expectations.

The MC might disagree and encourage you to engage more instead of less. Maybe engage in the C sessions and at home detach? Maybe there is a way to do both at the same time: speak your mind, share your feelings, but matter of factly, while you remain detached.

You don't need him to be happy. You don't need him to validate you. If he continues to miss lunch dates, or to contact you, or whatever, don't take it personally. It's not about you, it doesn't reflect on you, your value, your desirablity, your lovableness, or anything else. Write him off in a way. You've learned you can't expect him to make a lunch date. So next time, if you agree to meet, don't count on him making it, don't expect it: set it up so you will have a good lunch even if he doesnt show up.

Basically, as PS said, "find a way to be healthy and happy".

I want to share a bit about MC too. From reading yours and others posts, I feel I was lucky with my MC, and that MCs might not know as much as we'd like them to know.

My MC, when I suggested my wife and I separate, said we'd been separated too long in our marriage, so the last thing we needed now was more separation. My wife and I did separate, and for us (really for her) it was the right thing to do. She was able to focus on herself, I was able to detach and get strong, and that gave us (especially her) the ability to come back to the relationship.

My MC scared me when we first saw him. He would not say he was there to help us save our M, he said he would help us be healthier. He said the sessions were not a safe place (and I learned that quickly when my W said things in the sessions that really hurt). The MC would push my W to open up, and to do homework, but if my W balked or refused, the MC didn't push and he backed off. At least with my W, that was the right thing to do. I think many of the spouses in these situations feel backed into a corner with no room to even breath. They get very defensive. Some try hard to do what they think is right, even if it goes against their instinct (which is to run). I think backing off and letting them out of the corner relieves that feeling of being trapped and then they can choose to do the right thing themselves.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think we on this board often know as much if not more (especially of our own sitchs) then the MC.

One last thing for now: my W really does want to be with me now. She wants to make us work. She has apologized for what she did. The apology isn't enough. Sometimes I want more of an apology. Can't she see how terrible it was? Can't I ask for and expect more of an apology? And of course, I can't. What could she say, what could she do to apologize? She can never make up for what she did. It's MY issue to deal with. She can't make it better for me. I'm lucky I got an apology at all. I'll be happy with that. Would an apology for him missing lunch really make a difference? Maybe, but not much. You know, he's shown you, what you can expect of him right now. Don't expect any more than that - don't even expect that much.

Be healthy and happy on your own (This even applies 5 years from now when you're happily married to this same guy and this sitch is a memory).

[DiDi]

(((Cat)))
You are doing everything you possibly can honey... with grace and compassion.

I hear you. You don't want him to feel forced to contact you, you want him to WANT to. I'd bet he's thinking about you constantly. It still confuses me when my H will mention a particular situation during the past year when he thought about me every minute. Why didn't he contact me? He has no answers, other than he would think "I'll call today. In a little while after I've done x, y, z. Okay, after I deal with a, b, and c. Maybe after I have a nap." Then "By now she's hurt that I haven't called." "I'll deal with it later." Later never comes.

I'm not excusing them. His behavior just sounds like he's still overwhelmed. And you're still hurt. And tired of being the strong one all the time. I'm so sorry this is so unfair right now and he isn't protecting your sweet heart. I hope your C can help him learn how to get better at that soon.

Meanwhile, maybe he can make up for the missed lunch by taking you out someplace really nice for lunch this weekend?

[cat03]

He doesn't even know how to meet his own needs in a healthy way, so how can he meet yours? He can't.

No, he can't and I'm pushing him to do so. *sigh*... I need to go back and be healthy and happy without expecting him to fill my love tank until he fights his demons, I know his self confidence is below the radar--jeez, I should know better by now, this is a longer road than I though.

It's not about you, it doesn't reflect on you, your value, your desirablity, your lovableness, or anything else.

I think that is my problem, there are times when I take his isolating himself personally, I need to get him off the hook on that one

speak your mind, share your feelings, but matter of factly, while you remain detached.

I did speak my mind that day, but I was too emotional and I prob pushed him away, I have to learn to speak without making him feel under the gun.

he's shown you, what you can expect of him right now. Don't expect any more than that - don't even expect that much

I must, must remember that, specially since I'm truly the only one who knows the whole pict, not his mom (the other person he confides, being the only other member of his family around/alive) nor the C , he does tell me often how lost the feels.

It's MY issue to deal with

yes, it is my hard head that needs to learn to let go

"I'll deal with it later." Later never comes

Yes, that's my H, avoiding conflict or talking as if nothing happened in hopes it will get swept under the rug. He does admit he needs to unlearn a lot of stuff.

I also have no earthly idea how much he thinks of me, so it is unfair to think the worst, most likely he's beating on himself most of the time.

I usually am the one who plans any outings since I'm the one who handles all the money, we did plan to go to watch a movie, so at least we have something nice to do just us.

Thanks for the reality check guys, I needed it

[cat03]

we had a good session, H actually told me that his depression hit hard this week and that's why things have been a bit hard these past days. He 's been analizing some stuff he got from ow's email a while ago and realized that she had a contract with a man for sex/picts, he is still in shock, disgusted that he gave her a foothold, that back then (during PA on summer) she was having unprotected sex while with him and while we still ML. Other awful stuff came up, the woman is a true psychotic wreck and H is still afraid she'll come after him or our family.
C told him a few things about handling his depression and emphasized that while he wallowed in ow's stuff our M wouldn't more forward.

He asked me about how I viewed our future, and caught me off guard. I actually voiced my fear that he'll get depressed in such a way he'll leave again and want a D and we'd be separated for good.
H actually told me exactly what LN said, that it was his unhappiness that made him morose, not me, that he doesn't have anything against me personally.

I pray pray that H follows the MC's instructions to fend off depression and remember what he said about C was 5%, that the actual worked began at home, that coming to C wasn't everything.