When do they?

[mymonkeybug]

When do these WAH finally admit to what is going on with OW? I have thrown cell phone bills in his face and text records showing not the content of the texts but that they text literally ALL day and he still denies she anything but a friend. Hell he even refuses to tell me her name so I of course accused him of protecting her which shows he is more loyal to her than me. He also isn't living with his parents like he claims but won't tell me where he is staying either. So can I ever expect the real truth from him? I even told him that at this point there really isn't any reason not to be upfront with me since he left already a month ago, it's not like he has to hide it out of fear I will kick him out.

[Ohio_Mark]

Forget the OW. Forget her. Focus on YOU. If you want to save the marriage, stop making accusations. Think about this: What are you hoping to accomplish by making accusations?

Accusations (and admissions, for that matter) accomplish nothing. Focus on improving yourself. Show him that you are prepared to be happy without him. Heck, show him you are happy now!!

Stop worrying about things that are outside of your control. If you can't control it, let it go.

Focus on your own improvement. PMA and GAL!!!

[theotherhalf]

mymky,

It makes no sense, trust me I understand.

My H dropped the "bomb" Apr07. Denied OW. I heard them on the phone May07. Still denied. Denied all summer although there were all kinds of proof. He set it up for me to catch them NOV a couple times, said he was going to tell his family. Nothing happened. They broke up. OW back by DEC. I haven't asked but know she is there (cell bill). He is still keeping her in the dark. Told know one. Never with her in daylight. Everyone knows but yet he still keeps her hidden. Admitting to nothing. No ones says a word. He told me Monday night that he was going to tell D16 EVERYTHING. He has yet to do that either.

I don't get it.

[theotherhalf]

Mark,

You are right that we have no control over OW and H but isn't it true that if it comes out in the daylight it will burn out faster? Doesn't the game of secretive keep it going longer?

[Michael Mc C]

I don't think there can be any guarantee that exposing the A will help extinguish it. Due to outside pressures from friends and family this could happen but it could also help validate their 'love' for each other, pushing them closer together.

As far as admission don't expect it anytime soon. When I finally confronted my W with proof she was relieved. She was glad that she didn't have to keep it a secret anymore and it was a huge weight off her shoulders. Sometimes wish I had just let it go back then and let it wear on her...

[Ohio_Mark]

isn't it true that if it comes out in the daylight it will burn out faster? Doesn't the game of secretive keep it going longer?

I agree with Michael. There is no way to know.

What I do know is that you can't "unring" a bell. Once the word is out, the reputation of the other person is soiled. This is why I have not told anybody about my wife's infidelity. Oh, I plan to go public with it. Just not right now. I need to give her one final opportunity to come back and make ammends.

[Dr LOve]

isn't it true that if it comes out in the daylight it will burn out faster? Doesn't the game of secretive keep it going longer?

I agree with Michael. There is no way to know.

What I do know is that you can't "unring" a bell. Once the word is out, the reputation of the other person is soiled. This is why I have not told anybody about my wife's infidelity. Oh, I plan to go public with it. Just not right now. I need to give her one final opportunity to come back and make ammends.

Mark,

We have had different opinions and ways of doing things but dude.... we are on the same page here..... I like the "bell" saying.....
My Family would NEVER forget or forgive no matter what happened... Yes in the end (if there is an end) the truth will be told.... But for now the bell is silent

[saffie]

Once the word is out, the reputation of the other person is soiled

That depends. Some people think it's kind of cool to act that way. Guys that would never give my H the time of day before they found out about his A, (because he is a very quiet sort of person), actually patted him on the back and winked at him as though he was a 'good ole guy'!!!! They didn't seem to notice that my H was uncomfortable with them condoning sleazy behaviour. Having said that my H is not religious so he didn't care what any of our christian friends thought about what he had done. Also he felt that he had been so unhappy in our M that he had done nothing wrong when it all came out.

Now he feels differently and is very sorry for the pain he caused me and the embarrassment his behaviour has caused good family friends, but he doesn't feel 'soiled' or 'shamed' by the knowledge being out their in the public demain and I got a lot of support from people when it did become public. What I didn't do was bad mouth my H publicly about his behaviour and we were exteremely careful to let our friends know that we did not want sides taken whatever the final outcome. All our friends were OUR friends and not pawns in a power struggle. The A was a result of things between my H and I NOT our friends.

I think it is the way you go public that is important.

I was not as careful about things I said about OW and I hope if any of my friends came across her they would give her short shrift.

[karen43]

Thanks for this discussion! It makes me think about how I should talk about this kind of stuff in case there is a chance we do reconcile which is the goal. I should keep that in mind and try to be maybe more discreet than I have been other than maybe here and with my therapist and maybe one or two friends or whatever. Karen43

[mymonkeybug]

Boy, lots of good info. I have given H proof that I know she is at least an emotional A and he denies it still. So yes, I have to give it a rest and move on to ME. Thanks for reminding me of that fact. It is amazing how quickly you get lost when you are trying to DB and the pressure gets to rough sometimes.