HELP!! my 25 y/o H walked out... maybe mlc? HELP!!

[darkestangel]

Things with H have been back and forth. He called me Friday night to tell me he went car shopping. Before we got married, he had an 03 Ford Mustang, and after I got pregnant, he traded it in for a focus, which we could afford easier. He owed more on the Mustang than it was worth, so that extra $$ got rolled over onto the Focus. Now, he still owes more on the focus than what it's worth, but he wants to trade it in for the IDENTICAL 03 white Ford Mustang he used to have! He went and test drove a few, and actually sat down to do the paperwork, but he said that he couldn't get the payments down as low as he would want it. Its crazy because he only has 2 more years on the car loan on the Focus and he's willing to trade it for the Mustang with a new 5 YEAR loan?

He left a funny comment on my myspace today, which I thought was cute. At least he's not ignoring me completley. But he has this attitude most of the time like he thinks we're friends. H talks about his OW sometimes, and I've had to tell him that I don't want to hear about how much fun she is, or whatever.

On Saturday, H was supposed to pick up D3 at noon. He calls a few minutes past noon and asks when I'll be there. I said, "I thought u were picking her up?" And he got made. then he says, "Well, on Monday you better be here to pick her up in the afternoon then!". I said, "No, you are the one who decided to leave. you have to come pick her up on Saturdays, and then drop her off on Mondays. That was our agreement." not in a mean way, but very cool and confident. Then he snaps, "Fine MASTER! Whatever." and hangs up.

He shows up a half hour later, saying, "Oh, sorry I was such a jerk earlier. hey- by the way, is it okay if I borrow $200 from you? it's for a friend." I said, "No, i don't have any extra money. I need the money I have for rent." (which is true). H says, "Nevermind, I'll jsut borrow it from my mom" and dropped it. he ran out the door with D, which is odd cuz usually he'll sit and play with her for a few minutes.

We have a joint checking account, which I check online. I also opened my own checking account after he left. I went online to balance my checkbook, and I was really surprised to see H's finances. He has direct deposit, and it looks like he's skipping ALOT of work. Normally, H can clear $750+ in a week, and his past 3 paychecks (since he moved out) have all been less than $350. i think he's skipping work to spend time with his OW. I also noticed that he hasn't written ONE single check to pay any bill since he moved out, including his car loan which was due a month ago. I'm handling all the bills in my name, as welll as all of the household bills, but I think he's being very very irresponsible with his finances.

We had a talk about OR last week (which I know I'm not supposed to do, but it's hard not to). He says that he never realized how much free time he never had to himself before he moved out. Now, he can watch tv/ play games all day long, go to the gym when he wants, spend money as he likes and not worry about anything because his mom cooks/ cleans for him. I said, "Of course it's easier to be single. I would love to haev no responsibilities and go out and party whenever I liked. But I'm a mom, I have day-to-day responsibilities to taking care of D3 and making sure our household runs smoothly."

Sometimes I feel like i give up. I feel so hurt and betrayed that I just want to give up hope and let go for good. Sometimes I feel like maybe I'm better off without him. But I took my marriage vows seriously. I take my role as a mother seriously. I love my H, faults and all, and I want to save not only my marriage but my family.

[cat03]

he's playing teenager and living above his means (same with my H, next: huge debt will pile on him).
His inmaturity is so text book, and like will last a few months, so don't hold your breath hon.
Keep GAL, work on yourself to be a whole person and decide everyday to be happy for you and your child)))))))

[darkestangel]

I still swing back and forth between being so angry at him, and being okay in the situation. I'm still so hurt, and I guess that's to be expected.

H called yesterday, asking me what my plans for July were like. When i said I didn't know, he said, "Well, me and OW are going on vacation to Canada, so I'm going to need you to watch D3 that weekend."

I was like, "That is 6 months away. Why are you telling me now?" I swear, it felt like he was just trying to piss me off on purpose, trying to rub my face in it. Throughout our marriage, H NEVER wanted to go anywhere! I tried to go places for our anniversary/ birthday, but even places within driving distance, he would complain and pout about. Now he's taking OW on vacation to another country? GRRRRRR.....

H keeps telling me he doesn't love me, that he's moved on and so should I. H has never even mentioned the idea of trying to work on our marriage. maybe I should just give up. H tells me how happy he is (GIDDY was the word he used on myspace) now that he has all this time for himself, and no pressures. Meanwhile, I'm left to be the full-time single parent of our d3, while trying to keep the house running smoothly and look for a second job.

It's so disheartening. These past 4 weeks (it was 4 weeks today) have seemed SO LONG, and it seems like he's just so far away from me now. I know in the grand scheme of things, 4 weeks isn't much- at least, in comparison with some of you who have gone through months and even years of DBing.

Is it too late for me to DB? Should I just give up? I only see him now when he picks up D3 on Saturdays and when he drops her off on Mondays.

I worry that it's too late. I worry that his affair with OW might actually be a longlasting relationship. I worry that his reasons for leaving me are real and tangible. I worry that it might be many many months before he might even consider working on our marriage. Will I see him the same? I worry that we'll end up divorced, as he so strongly declares that he wants. I worry that he's actually truly happier without me.

[cat03]

I found a book my H wrote in, about how he was head over heels in love, how ow was his everything, how nothing compared to her, etc etc. Later on H told me he was deluded, she didnt' even want to call him "boyfriend" it was a weird R. Four mths into the separation he was planning getting a condo (with the proceeds from selling our home after our "divorce") He had a new life all planned out for him, he had no kids to take care of during nights and weekends and days off, he did as he pleased. It was a temporary thing, eventually ow revealed herself and his depression sunk him even lower.
I'm afraid it will be many months before the newness of the A vanishes.

It seems hopeless but don't give up. GAL, work on yourself, allow this trial to shape you into a better you, so that no matter what happens you will be a better person.

Here is a great read on emotional retarded men:

================================
About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, untd a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman. It doesn't work for him to leave home to be with her, as she too would grow stale and irritating if she were around full time.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing. Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last long.

[darkestangel]

I haven't spoken to H since Tuesday (today it's Thursday). H sent me a message on myspace, which he has never ever done before. it simply said, "How was your day today?"

Is this him reaching out? H initiating phone calls/ messages was one of my small goals. It might mean nothing, but it's WAY BETTER than actually nothing.

I wrote him back and said, "My day was great. I went out to lunch with a friend, then I took d3 to the petting zoo. I stopped by the chiropractor's on the way to the mall, where I met up with a friend and then went home late and made dinner for me & d3. How was your day?"

How was that? I actually did do all those things, so I wasn't lying. I thought about just writing, "it was fine, how was yours?" but then I thought that message would have been construed as cold. As I wrote my message to him, I kept thinkiing, "friendly and distracted. think friendly yet distracted."

I love the remark above about emotionally retarded men. that is exactly what he is!

I think and i hope this A with this 37 year old OW isn't anything special. There's always the chance that it is, but nonetheless, it's out of my hands so there's nothing I can do about it. I know what WE had was veryt true and very real. H is acting like a teenager again, and he just doesn't see it.

I do feel like a better me. We only had one car, so last week I went out and bought a very small car for myself, which was great. I signed up to volunteer with foster care youth, which is something I've always wanted to do. I'm thinking about taking motorcycle classes, just for the fun of it. I can take d3 to different places now, when before H would have our car when he went to work and we would be stuck home all the time.

Every day, I feel a bit better and better. Still the highs and the lows, but the highs are getting higher, and the lows, not so low

[darkestangel]

I just checked our joint checking account. H makes $22.70/hour. When he works a 40 hr week, he can easily clear $750.

His paycheck for the past week was $178. FREAKING $178!!! That means he worked maybe 8 or 9 hours, the ENTIRE WEEK? He's skipping work to go play with his OW.

H promised me $300 a week, for now. That doesn't even cover our rent on our apartment, PLUS $135/week goes to D3's daycare. I only work p/t because H didn't want me to work, and I'm looking for a second job. Because I work in the mornings, my availability is limited.

H walked away and left me with all the bills. He left me with the rent, the utilities, the groceries, the insurance, daycare, etc. All he has to pay is his car payment, his car insurance and his credit card. Plus, I haven't seen one single check post to his account since he left a month ago. He's not paying his bills, he's not going to work.

The day H left, i went to the bank and opened up my own separate checking account. He promised me he would do the same, so if he went over the limit on the account, it wouldn't affect me. it's been a month and he hasn't yet. it only takes 10 minutes!!!!

I can't believe it. $178. It pisses me off that H swears up and down that he's being the best dad he knows how to be, and he's being SOOO generous with me and d3, and the guy isn't even going to work.

I want to call him, but I decided not to. Anger doesn't lead anywhere. At this point, I don't want to ehar his voice, I don't want to see his face, I don't want to hear his name. I spent our whole marriage trying to take care of him and make him happy, he's on his own for now.

[cat03]

I'm very glad you are taking care of yourself, it is the only way to move forward in this sitch, so stuff you normally wouldnt' do, kudos to you hon

Is he paying child support by the way?

[darkestangel]

We haven't legally filed any paperwork yet. He is paying me $300/week though, and that's to cover child support and to help with the bills. I'm happy for that too, because one day he volunteered that much and the very next day he was complaining about "having to pay me through the nose".

We live in southern california, and our rent alone is $1350, so his $300/week doesn't even cover rent! I'm doing okay though, it's MUCH cheaper to live when it's just me and d3!! I never realized how much money H spent friviously!

[cat03]

Listen to me, you dont' need to file for D or S to get child support, go to a CS office now! he has to give you enough to cover rent and all the other bills, by law he HAS to.
Don't let him get away with not paying what is supposed to (when my H left he paid every cent because his D lawyer told him he'd be in deep sh*t if he didnt' pay)

All you need is someone to calculate the expensest, he's all happy that he is rent free at mommy's, well, it is reality check time, he has to go back to work and pay you what he owes you and your child, please dont' let that dead beat off the hook. I know lots of women are afraid to do this, afraid to "rock the boat" or make the WAS angry, but it is beyond this, you must look for you and your child, your H right now is only looking for #1, him.

[darkestangel]

H called tonight. He wanted to let me know that his paycheck was very very small, but he'll pay me back next week the rest of the money he owes me. i said, Sure, just make sure it's all there by the end of the month.

H said that he stayed home from work yesterday and today, but because it's the beginning of the year, he gets all of his paid sick days "renewed" at work, so he should be getting a full paycheck next week. I asked him why he was staying home (I know, no questions.,.... my bad) and he said he just felt like it. I'm positive he's home with OW watching tv and hanging out, but I didn't even mention it.

I'm sure because when we first started dating, he would stay home from work and we would just hang out all the time. He's union- so he doesn't worry about getting fired.

H also said he opened up his own separate checking account, he'll do the direct deposit from his work into that account next week.

H asked how my day was, and I told him how I went to lunch with a friend, we went shopping and then I went over another friend's house for a few hours. That other friend happens to live a few blocks away from his moms house. H asked how come I didn't stop by, and I said, I didn't see a reason to.

I was very much "acting as if" and very upbeat.

Although, it was killing me. I feel like he's really moving on. Like he's starting this new life with this OW. It's one thing when he's being an @ss and yelling hateful things at me, but when he's just treating me like any old friend and sounding like my old H again, it hurts even more.

how silly is that? I don't even know if I want him back, given the nature of him leaving and how disrespectful he has been to our family. H hasn't shown any remorse for any of it, he hasn't spoken of having any feelings for me. he doesn't call me Babe or Honey anymore- although i'm sure he calls OW that. I'm GAL, I'm dbing- it just feels so counter productive sometimes. I feel like we're still moving our separate ways, it's just smoother now.

What i want is for him to see the value in our family, and to realize what he's throwing away. For him to show me he loves me again. It feels like that's a dream oh-so-far away. I miss my marriage