Since he has moved out, he has called or e-mailed each day and wanted to "check in" and we had dinner this last Wednesday. When I met him for dinner, I didn't bring up the relationship at all and we had a nice time laughing and talking. I took on the approach of being his friend in hopes of us relaxing around each other. I know that he has a lot of self esteem issues beyond the marriage and he is in therapy to uncover what is going on, but he says he needed to get away b/c he had to concentrate on himself.
What I am conflicted about, is do I take his call or call him back everytime he calls me? I have tried both ways (not calling him back and calling him back) and I don't see that much change. I debate between not being so available to him, versus him still trying to be connected during this time apart when he has issues beyond the marriage. He called today and he wished me a nice weekend and mentioned making plans to see each other again.
Brita, I am also dealing with an MLC H. My way is different from the conventional wisdom, but it is working well for me. The way I analysed it was like this: -- H wants to have some contact with me -- H is unstable emotionally, his feelings change from moment to moment -- H is depressed -- I want to have some contact with H -- I am not unstable except in reaction to H crisis and how that affects me and our marriage -- I am constitutionally unable to allow H to run the whole show according to his unstable feelings, and I don't think it is good for H to be allowed to do this either. H is actually mentally ill right now, and it may be a chronic condition -- anything that takes several years to resolve can be thought of as a chronic condition.
So what I did was this: I imposed some structure on the situation. I suppose it could have backfired on me but it didn't. Realizing that H did want some contact, I negotiated with him for regular, reliable contact. This is quite different from allowing H to call when he feels like it, and to see you when he feels like it. That situation just strung me out, I was mooning over the email in-box and checking for phone messages like a lovestruck teenager -- after awhile I just couldn't bear the indignity of the situation for me.
Our initial agreement was for two phone calls a week, on Mondays and Wednesdays at 5:30pm, and one date day or evening a week, on Fridays. After a few weeks H voluntarily increased the contact. We now have one phone call and two date days/overnights per week.
Your H sounds a lot like mine. Mine also has the same doubts about whether he wants to be married or not. Sexual faithfulness is part of our agreement. He understands that if he becomes involved with another woman there will be no relationship with me at all. We also have no children. I'm living successfully on my own. I can live with this arrangement for several years if need be. Hopefully H and I will live together again eventually, but I'm not in any hurry and neither is he.
It's very good advice not to have OR talks with H. Keep it light. Don't try to get him to 'look after' you as he has probably done in the past. He's incapable of it. He will appreciate a bit of nurturing, and he will appreciate feeling that you can look after yourself in his absence and that he doesn't need to feel responsible for your well-being. But I think it is a good thing, a positive thing, for him to undertake the small responsibility of adhering to a contact agreement with you.
