As you may know from my recent posts, things are going in a positive direction, but v-e-r-y slowly. We hadn't had a fight for a few weeks. But on Sunday, he was evidently in a bad mood, or mad at me, or something. In a very non-threatening way, I asked him what was wrong. "Nothing." Are you mad at me? "No." And then he snapped at me later that day when we were talking about something innocuous like baseball. I finally lost it a bit and told him to stop being such a grouch. After that, things were back to "normal"-- cordial, somewhat friendly. Last night at counseling, when I asked him if he could tell me why he was mad at me on Sunday, he got really angry and defensive. He finally listed a number of things about the day that p--d him off (it wasn't all about me). I reminded him that it's important for us to communicate outside of counseling sessions-- and one-word answers don't do it. He said that this whole Sunday thing reminded him that we had problems well before the affair, and we've been spending every session talking about the affair, etc. etc. I blew up (from Mother Theresa to Satan herself)--lit into him about how damaging the affair was, and of course I know we had problems before then--that's why I approached him many times over the years, when he brushed off my concerns and said nothing is wrong. It was a hundred episodes of what happened on Sunday that contributed to the current state of our marriage--me asking what's wrong, him denying anything's wrong with one-word answers. It was just a really ugly counseling session. I waited to go to bed till after he was asleep. He didn't kiss me goodbye this morning (but I went after him and kissed him). The one thing I asked last night is that we meet with the counselor twice next week because I need to vent, get all my stuff and questions out about the affair, and then move on. It's been dragging out for a month now, and it's driving me nuts. Anyway, I'd like to have a reasonably amiable weekend, but I'm tired of being the one to be forgiving, to be loving. He has yet to apologize to me for the affair. I'm so discouraged and angry. What a jumbled ranting mess this post is!
I know it's the best advice to give, but it's so hard to follow: don't talk about what he is resisting right now. I keep making the mistake in trying to talk to my H about things he doesn't want to discuss (namely anything about our relationship and future). I get burnt every time, but I'm doing it a lot less often. It makes me feel bad, even though I rationalize at the time that he pushed me into those conversations.
I guess I wouldn't push for faster or more intense counseling sessions re. his affair if he's telling you that there are too many discussions already on that topic. However, that is not to say that you don't have every right or reasonable expection to get answers to the legitimate questions you have. This stuff is just so hard. He sounds like he's withdrawing some and that pursuing him will likely make him withdraw faster and more. I just experienced this yesterday (under Communication "Been Great, he's worse") and I've decided that I'm still digging a pit for our marriage and my shovel is my seeming inability to make decisions without knowing what the likelihood of success is in our marriage.
Perhaps if you tried the 'scheduled time limited conflict resolution sessions' like pg 150 of DB suggests. If he knew to expect the questions about the affair and that your time to ask them was limited perhaps he would be more comfortable. But you will have to stick with it and not ask him at other times. Make a list of things you want to ask so you will remember when the time comes, this also helps eliminate the unimportant questions. Of course anything you need to know IS IMPORTANT! By doing this perhaps you can focus your counseling sessions more on the other problems and your H will feel like you are making progress in putting the affair behind you.
I would think he has not appologized because he is still on the defensive and does not yet want to acknowledge the pain he has caused you. He would rather tell himself that he didnt do anything wrong, nothing to feel guilty about. Maybe its his way of keeping from being overwhelmed by his own guilt? Ofcourse befor you (either of you) can move on, he will have to come to terms with what he has done. It just sounds like he is not ready to do that yet. You asking questions and desiring an appology are probably making him more determined not to do either. It keeps his guard up!
You need ANSWERS and he needs TIME. Perhaps a compromise is in order. I thought the limited sessions might fill both those needs.?.
As you know, my husband and I are recovering from his infidelity. I’ve been doing what Tempest suggested (i.e., making lists). This works—give it a try.
I made an observation that’s made a tremendous difference in our relationship. When he admitted the affair, I threw out questions left and right. I really did and still do feel I have a “need and right to know.” But as we were talking, I noticed he got very tense and uptight. At first I thought, “screw you! You deserve to be uncomfortable and feel humiliated.” But then, our conversations came to a complete halt. Other times when I would think of something to ask and asked him, it didn’t work. I witnessed my husband getting moody and quiet. Well, I certainly didn’t want to go there again. So I decided, not to ask any questions, make comments, or refer to the affair outside of the counseling session. It took a couple of days, but I noticed my husband was relaxing in my presence. It seemed that he was no longer “waiting for the other shoe to drop” or “on guard.” I mentioned to him that I wanted to talk about the affair but I would prefer to do so with our counselor. I asked him what he thought about that idea. He agreed. Now, we have a plan. Of course, our next session may be just like the one you had the other night. But I’m determined to rise above my husband’s infidelity. Oh I’m hurt, angry, and sad but I refuse to let the OW make me look out of control. I want my husband to realize “wow, I married a great woman.”
My H behaved similarly and I felt much the same way "Screw you! You should feel uncomfortable" But that attitude helps nothing. We save the really difficult topics for counseling. But I have this currosity about every little detail and he has been really good about answering me truthfully. The key is to not catch him off guard and constantly throw the questions at him out of the blue. If I do that it tends to effect the mood of our day. A few times a week we set aside time to discuss it, we didnt schedule a specific time because he is a worrier and would be nervous anticipating our talk. If I feel the need to ask something I bite my toung and save it for our "talk sessions" Now if HE brings it up, we usually joke about it, I refer to him as my 'wanderer'. Its not a funny matter but for us humor helps us get through this.
We all find our own path, though our journeys are similar.
Tempest
(Had to edit my spelling! Again! What else did I spell wrong?)
[This message has been edited by Tempest (edited 04-26-99).]
(Warning--long message) I had 2 minutes to log on yesterday morning before a huge day at work, and I was heartened and lifted by your responses. Thank you all--Jamie, Tempest, Marie, Mare-- so much for helping me in my "hour of need." Last night was my self-designated "final vent" counseling session. I have, by the way, been limiting questions and vents about the affair to sessions. I work from lists that I've been compulsively writing, about things I want to know (from "What were you thinking when you talked to her on the phone with our daughter sitting next to you?" to "Do you love her?" "Do you hate me?" etc. etc.) and just things I wanted him to know ("I cannot compete with her because.."). I stuck to my "script" last night, and went back to Mother Theresa mode. (The counselor suggested that he not respond while I was talking.) I prefaced everything by giving him positive reinforcement for the things he's been trying to do (spend more time w/ me, show more affection, etc). Sometimes I said some mean things, but I warned him right before I did. I didn't blow up at him. I didn't get all my questions answered, but that's ok. Tempest--you hit the nail on the head with "You asking questions and desiring an apology are probably making him more determined not to do either."--I said that I needed an apology, but when the counselor told me to ask him for it directly, I said that the apology would need to come from his heart, when he's ready, and that I wouldn't ask him for it again. At the end of the session, I posed some possible reasons why his resentment has been building over the years (I'm controlling, I mother him, etc.), and he agreed that that was contributory. He also said that maybe he was attracted to a woman who had no life of her own and wanted to mold herself to please him because it was such a contrast to my controlling nature. I knew all along this had to be a major factor in our problems, but this is the first time he communicated it--perhaps the first time he actually thought about it. Major breakthrough. We sat close together on the loveseat during the session (last week he visibly moved as far away from me as possible). We slept close together in bed last night. Together we will be burning the notebook I kept all those lists in. I'm not deluding myself into thinking that the affair will not continue to haunt me, but… I feel very positive and hopeful right now--one of those high points on the roller coaster ride. Thanks again to y'all. I don't know what I'd do without you.
