Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[DaveJ]

ann25, I'm envious that you are willing to put in the work to make things work. I wish my W would. My W still refuses to admit that the EA was cheating, although she did say it was inappropriate and it's over. Of course she filed for D so it really doesn't matter anymore ATM. I made a choice to forgive her and let it go. But I would kick the crap out of the OM any day though. He's a scumbag. It's tough at times but I'm doing it for me. It took me a long time to not get LOTS of anxieties when she's on the phone or she's texting, or she's on the computer. I still sometimes do. But I made the decision that if I can't trust her then this relationship can't work no matter what. I don't snoop either because it just kills my PMA and makes me paranoid. If she's doing something she shouldn't be doing, the R would be over anyways and it's out of my control. Trust takes a LONG time to rebuild and it's a constant effort in changing your thinking...

He has to do it on his own and only if he wants to. I you can ask him to think about what makes him feel insecure and what you can do to reassure that. Constant reassurance and patience is critical I think. Go out of your way to be accountable to him where you are and what you do maybe. It may seem silly and annoying to you but it probably helps him knowing that you are making an effort in reassuring him. Like telling him where you going, where you been, who you talking to on the phone, texting, and etc. Eventually he may just ask you to stop. Maybe make an effort in offering to spend quality time with him? Just try different things and do what works for you. As far as physical affection goes, I think the frequency counts as well, doesn't have to be anything big. A hug, a kiss, a touch on the shoulder. And if you think about it, he's probably doing things to you what he thinks might make himself feel loved. Perhaps experiment a little and replicate similar things that he's doing to you and see what kind of responses you get.

Oh yeah, the biggest thing you can do to make him feel secure is make him feel like he is priority #1. For example, if you are having a conversation with him, eye contact and give him complete attention. If you are on the phone and he calls, you drop the other call and tell them you'll call them back and talk to your H. Not the other way around. It tells him he is important to you above all else. My W does all the opposite and makes me feel like I mean absolutely nothing to her, even less than a stranger on the street. Give it a try and let me know how that works out for ya. :P Good luck!