I am worried about him because, unless things have improved drastically, he was very depressed and continuing to drink A LOT. I am worried that if things didn't go well on his trip he not only will not admit he was wrong but might consider something drastic. Not long before he stopped talking to me H told me I needed to quit worrying because he "has too strong a survival instinct to do anything stupid" - I don't know how that sounds to you, but in context, it sounded like H was admitting to suicidal thoughts and it totally freaked me out.
As for him not talking to me, despite what he has accused me of with saying I never apologize, I can only think of one time in the last 3 years he has apologized to me (he used to "apologize" for things - usually without actually saying he was sorry though lol, but I now realize it was because he expected, and got, hugs/kisses/reassurances/forgiveness from me and never really had to worry about me being mad) - the day I confronted him about his PA, and all I got was a half-a$$ed "I'm sorry I hurt you." He doesn't apologize (his stepdad commented that since he was 7 and he told H "don't apologize, just don't do it again," H has never uttered the words "I'm sorry" within his hearing) and he hates to admit he's wrong. I suspect that may be one reason he might not want to talk to me despite his "we can still be friends" speeches from a few months ago.
The other reason may be that H knows I don't want a D and will be angry/hurt if/when he files, so if H is planning to file or is in the process, he may not want to see/talk to me. I also wonder if it might be easier for him to work up the courage to file with no contact with me and OW egging him on.
I think I will try a quick note about the PIN tomorrow.
Thanks for the note. I am starting to get more free evenings since I have cut back hours at the retail job, so hopefully I can get out dancing. I am planning on going to an aikido class tonight - it's gonna hurt, I haven't gone in 6 weeks - but I need to get back on track so I can get my green belt. I am also planning a couple of whitewater rafting trips with some girlfriends, although those won't happen until the weather gets a bit better. It's just so easy to talk myself out of doing those things when I'm tired/sad/angry. I need to stop doing that. I also need to get back in the gym more. I am throwing my running shoes in the back of my car and am going to start trying to work in jogs between classes as there is a beautiful 1 miles track about 1/2 mile from campus (and the jog over is a good warmup) - of course, that is gonna be horribly painful as well *sighs* Oh well, the good things in life usually require some work right?
On a more positive note, I was re-reading some of the MLC materials. Although H is only 25, I call it his quarter-life crisis. I was laughing about some of the things he's done that show up in the DR book - lasik eye surgery, whitening his teeth, freaking out over his thinning hair (I honestly never even noticed it and have no idea why it's such a big deal to him), working out like crazy (he's always been athletic, but now he's gotten into bodybuilding which is weird because it doesn't work with him trying to run 5 and 10ks - too much bulk for good run times). Plus my health food nut has turned into a "drink a lot and eat out a lot" since H doesn't seem to have the time/motivation/energy to cook (and he loves to cook, I used to tell him he should go to culinary school and get paid to do it). At any rate, I found a lot of the antecdotes amusing. They made me smile even if they are painfully close to my stitch. I gotta take my laughs where I can though.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
