A Quick recap of my sitch: W's parents divorced when she was 6. Father remarried and lost touch with W and her sis, no child support payments, etc. W's mom became an alcoholic, had a series of short term relationships with men, in the house. Family house fell into disrepair, they were poor, W hated her situation, her parents, etc.
W and I met in college. I'm from a big italian family, I am # 5 of 7 siblings. W loved the big family, was close with all my sibs. W was closer with my parents than with her own. My parents loved her, truly, like their own daughter.
My mom and dad fell into poor health, Dad smoked too much and died of heart attack in 2002. Mom diagnosed with breast cancer later the same year. Mom died in late 2004. I took my dad's sudden death hard; Mom's death was hard too, but not unexpected. In retrospect, it sure seems like these were big blows to my W. Maybe re-living the abandonment she experienced from her *own* parents. Seems to fit the pattern of a MLC trigger. Sure seems clear in retrospect.
Around the time of the passing of my mom, W began showing signs of feeling antsy. Changed her hair color often. Not terribly satisfied with her deal. In 2004/5, we went through a period where we didn't ML for 10 months. She didn't even notice it, expressed disbelief when I told her how long it had been. We went to Paris on a vacation, just us two; she confided to her friend that even there she was not happy. I did not know.
Spring 2006, my job had changed, I began travelling more often. At the same time our best family friends were going through some marriage troubles. The wife/mother from that family took a job in another state, came home only on weekends. W and the man (my best friend), both stay at home parents, became closer. PA between my wife and the OM started in May 2006 during a crisis in the OM's relationship with his wife (he had had a vasectomy, but his wife somehow got pregnant).
W of best friend discovered this in in July 2006, called to let me know. I was devastated. We had been planning to move the family across the country; close date on the new house was 10 days away. She told me she wanted to stay with me. Never wanted to break up the family. Felt horrible. Together we decided to go through with the move.
We moved, mutually committed to working on the M and R, went to MC, but never really got on track. W continued to communicate with OM.
W complaints about me have escalated as time went on. starting with: I (me) was always unhappy, to I was scary, to I was controlling. All the standard mumbo-jumbo about affairs: OM and I had a connection, we're on the same frequency, we're soulmates, we were together in a previous life (no, seriously!), etc. W's current position is that I was abusive for 20 years (!!), that I have restricted her hobbies (totally untrue), that I keep her from her family (likewise), that I have never been involved with the kids (ludicrous), etc.
We separated Sept 1st 2007, I moved out and she stayed in the house with the kids. We had a written "controlled separation" agreement, including a clause that said, We'd date (never did) and that neither of us would file for divorce for 3 months. Almost made it! She filed papers November 27th. I later learned she had been preparing to divorce since September, getting financial statements, etc.
Christmas was nice - we spent it together with the kids. Platonic kiss from W - first one in 5-6 months. Since then she has pulled back pretty strongly.
OM is three states away, is dating other women, his divorce is proceeding. He is a pariah among all my friends from college, who still keep in touch. W and OM still connect regularly. She visits him. W claims they are "just friends" now, and always will be.
I'm still DBing.
One difficulty now is my siblings, who were once close to W, are now mostly angry with her. Not empathetic at all.
My Daily Struggle is to maintain optimism. Trying to keep my distance while standing for marriage.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
