Okay, so I haven't really seen this addressed anywhere on here. What do you guys think about wearing rings still. I have been wearing mine off and on. One time when H saw me not wearing it (he hasn't worn his since summer, was using the heat as an excuse while he was still saying he might be interesting in counseling etc before he got adamant about getting a D) he said how we're not together since neither one of us is wearing our rings. I like my rings (I picked them out, he proposed w/o) plus it helps with keeping the creepy guys away when I'm out with friends. Plus I AM married and want to stay married. I just wonder if he'll see it as pressure if I do and validation/agreement to D if I don't.
What do you guys do?
On another note, Cirque du Soleil KOOZA totally rocked! I had a great time even though it was strange not having H there. I would totally love to see another show and may go to Vegas just to do so.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Will address the rest later but.. glad you had fun!! I bet the show was great.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
If you go to that link, you will see a lot of talk about the rings. You should do what you want for you, not for whatever effect you think it will have on your H. I will say that I took mine off and I wish I had left them on. I took them off out of anger and trying to show H that I was moving on. He probably didn't even notice I took them off. I have regretted that decision, but now feel like I have had them off for so long I can't just put them back on.
It sounds to me like you want to keep them on, so you should.
I am so glad you had a good time at the show! It sounds like lots of fun.
This issue is not a question of right or wrong. It's a question of honesty and perception.
If you say your goal is to restore your marriage, how does removing your wedding ring demonstrate consistancy with what you say?? Be honest with what you really want. Demonstrate what you want with action.
If you remove your ring out of anger or hurt, how can you expect to demonstrate solution based divorce busting?? You can't.
Solving relationship issues depends on your ability to set your negative feelings aside and focus on seeking solutions through positive feelings/attitude and self help/improvement.
A wedding ring is an important symbol. Removing it sends a serious message that this relationship is over. It's OK if that is the message you wish to send. However, lets not try to confuse it as an act of restoration.
Ring removal may be part of a very well planned last resort technique. Keep in mind that LRT's should be reserved for when all else fails and you are done with the BS. LRT's are for when you reach the point of no return. LRT's are not for newbies. A well planned LRT takes self control, patience and loving detachment. These are not levels a newbie can typically attain.
Start with the basics and keep your rings on. It is a symbol of your committment.
IMHO
Stepping down from the soapbox!
Kent
This one really struck a cord with me. I have not been wearing them as much lately, but wore them up until Thanksgiving although occasionally on the other hand. Thanks for the link klm!
The show was a blast. It was not like any circus I have ever been to that's for sure. The acts were amazing and I love that they tied everything together into a story like a play or something. I would love to see one of their permanent ones in Vegas. Zumanity sounds very cool, but as my girlfriend pointed out since it is about sexuality and is 18+ it would probably make her "horny" lol. I had to agree. I think it would be fun to take H to if he was ever willing, but as he still has not responded to my phone call, who knows if that will ever happen.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
That struck a chord with me too. I think I took my rings off as an act of restoration...or maybe to hurt H. In reality I don't think he cared on way or the other at the time. Now I have had them off so long I feel like we would have to talk about it before I/we put them back on.
I am so glad you had so much fun at the show. I understand wanting H to be there and wanting to experience things with him...but it is fun to go with friends too.
Just give him some time. Hopefully he will make some contact soon. You do have something positive going...he hasn't filed for D. Also, you sound like you are dealing with everything really well and have a great group of friends for support.
I do have a very good group of friends and have made some good friends on here as well. :-) But I struggle with this whole subjective concept of doing well. To a very large extent I am doing what I always do when I am under pressure, I focus on school or work or whatever. I push through things. I never give up since I am stubborn as a mule (and have been called worse lol) and I, being the eternal optomist, assume that somehow everything will work out in the end, whether it's how I planned it or not.
However, I feel like there is a big split here. These are "more of the same" behaviors for me mostly, and they are also things that my H complained about last fall - saying school and everything else is always more important to me, that I never compromise, that I never make time for things and when I do it's for my friends and not him, etc. So, I feel like there is a split between what I'd need to do to work on my marriage and what I need to do to work on myself. Actually, school isn't even about working on myself at this point, I'm more in the hurry up and get it over with mindset since I'm sick of paying somebody instead of getting paid and never having any free time. I keep telling myself that since H isn't willing to R anyways, I should just push through and get it done, but that is the mindset that got me in this position in the first place - never cutting myself a break and not making enough time to spend with H.
I did drop down to part-time this semester and H did know I was considering it (this was before H quit speaking to me entirely) but said it was "too little, too late." I still went through with it (not sure if he even knows that) because the stress has definitely been getting to me and I was worried I might be spending a lot of time in family court in between classes. Anyways, I was just thinking about this stuff because I re-read the section on 180s last night. More objective opinions/observations are always welcome.
On another note, got an e-mail from my MIL yesterday asking if I was available for dinner next week. Sent her my work schedule, so we'll see what happens with that. Haven't seen them since X-mas so that would be fun.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Well, I started back at my legal internship with the state today. It took me most of the morning just to catch up on e-mail and get settled in, but I have a couple projects to work on this afternoon. I am happy and excited to be back, my boss still seems willing to try and get me a position here after graduation, which would make me so happy because I love the people I work with, it's not a bad commute because I can take the lightrail train, and I like the work I do (although I do need to figure out how to not spend 8 hours in a windowless cubicle area - that's the only downside).
Still no word from H. I'm really worried about him, but I don't know what to do since he won't even talk to me. I've been thinking about giving him another call or maybe trying e-mail or IM - I hate how impersonal those are, but maybe he would be more comfortable with them. I figure I'll just blow off the weird not-a-call-back if it comes up by assuming he had phone trouble. I guess I'll give it a few more days first.
My classes this semster are turning out to be pretty fun and I've gotten 2 of my grades back from last semseter. I only got a B- in Community Property (I hated having to take that class since it was WAY too personal to me) but I passed so, whatever. On the plus side, I got an A in Administrative Law! I only got an A- on the final, but he bumped my grade up (Prof's get a 1/3 grade point discretion) for class participation!!! I'm taking my third class from that prof this semester, so hopefully I'll do just as well. It'll definitely help my GPA. Still waiting on two grades to come back, one is P/NP but the other I'm really anxious about.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I guess I do actually have a reason to talk to him since I need the PIN for H's old cell phone to clear his voicemail before I give the phone to my baby brother.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle - I am so impressed with how well you're handling things and keeping it together at work and such, with everything you have going on.
Glad you're enjoying being back to the internship, and congrats on the great grades!!
About what you need to do to "work on the M" right now - I think the best thing you can do is NOT work on it at the moment. You can't really do that without a willing partner, unfortunately. But it is a good idea to look for some other 180s to try - even if you're the only one who notices right now. Make it a point to go out and do something fun and NOT school or work focused at least X nights per week or month, maybe??
As to your H - I am surprised he has been SO uncommunicative with you. Do you have any idea why?? Why are you worried about him?
Maybe on the PIN.. you could try email or IM. They're impersonal, but they're better than no contact at all at this point. Worth a try to see if he'll respond, I think.
Me 35, H 38; Together 13.5 yrs, M 7 Bomb 1 10/07/06 Sep'd 1/14/07 - 4/15 Piecing: 4/07 - 9/07 Bomb 3 10/11/07: Never loved you, let's separate 2/08 slowly improving 7/08 Piecing (7/25/08 rings back on!!) Current thread
I am worried about him because, unless things have improved drastically, he was very depressed and continuing to drink A LOT. I am worried that if things didn't go well on his trip he not only will not admit he was wrong but might consider something drastic. Not long before he stopped talking to me H told me I needed to quit worrying because he "has too strong a survival instinct to do anything stupid" - I don't know how that sounds to you, but in context, it sounded like H was admitting to suicidal thoughts and it totally freaked me out.
As for him not talking to me, despite what he has accused me of with saying I never apologize, I can only think of one time in the last 3 years he has apologized to me (he used to "apologize" for things - usually without actually saying he was sorry though lol, but I now realize it was because he expected, and got, hugs/kisses/reassurances/forgiveness from me and never really had to worry about me being mad) - the day I confronted him about his PA, and all I got was a half-a$$ed "I'm sorry I hurt you." He doesn't apologize (his stepdad commented that since he was 7 and he told H "don't apologize, just don't do it again," H has never uttered the words "I'm sorry" within his hearing) and he hates to admit he's wrong. I suspect that may be one reason he might not want to talk to me despite his "we can still be friends" speeches from a few months ago.
The other reason may be that H knows I don't want a D and will be angry/hurt if/when he files, so if H is planning to file or is in the process, he may not want to see/talk to me. I also wonder if it might be easier for him to work up the courage to file with no contact with me and OW egging him on.
I think I will try a quick note about the PIN tomorrow.
Thanks for the note. I am starting to get more free evenings since I have cut back hours at the retail job, so hopefully I can get out dancing. I am planning on going to an aikido class tonight - it's gonna hurt, I haven't gone in 6 weeks - but I need to get back on track so I can get my green belt. I am also planning a couple of whitewater rafting trips with some girlfriends, although those won't happen until the weather gets a bit better. It's just so easy to talk myself out of doing those things when I'm tired/sad/angry. I need to stop doing that. I also need to get back in the gym more. I am throwing my running shoes in the back of my car and am going to start trying to work in jogs between classes as there is a beautiful 1 miles track about 1/2 mile from campus (and the jog over is a good warmup) - of course, that is gonna be horribly painful as well *sighs* Oh well, the good things in life usually require some work right?
On a more positive note, I was re-reading some of the MLC materials. Although H is only 25, I call it his quarter-life crisis. I was laughing about some of the things he's done that show up in the DR book - lasik eye surgery, whitening his teeth, freaking out over his thinning hair (I honestly never even noticed it and have no idea why it's such a big deal to him), working out like crazy (he's always been athletic, but now he's gotten into bodybuilding which is weird because it doesn't work with him trying to run 5 and 10ks - too much bulk for good run times). Plus my health food nut has turned into a "drink a lot and eat out a lot" since H doesn't seem to have the time/motivation/energy to cook (and he loves to cook, I used to tell him he should go to culinary school and get paid to do it). At any rate, I found a lot of the antecdotes amusing. They made me smile even if they are painfully close to my stitch. I gotta take my laughs where I can though.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I only got an A- on the final, but he bumped my grade up (Prof's get a 1/3 grade point discretion) for class participation!!! I'm taking my third class from that prof this semester, so hopefully I'll do just as well. It'll definitely help my GPA. Still waiting on two grades to come back, one is P/NP but the other I'm really anxious about.