Lot of good advice to be had on the last thread but you chose to ignore it all.
Instead of focusing on you, you focus on her and your pity. You go out of your way to justify and rationalize her actions. You defend her to the point of writing a long, long post as if she wrote it. You deny how wrong she is here.
All to confirm your opinion of you as a loser.
Victim thinking, martyr thinking, masochistic thinking, poor me thinking. Everything is hopeless. She is right and you are wrong.
You regret the past, worry the future, dwell on business decisions and giving into your addictions.
You continue to fixate on her not being “strong enough” - to avoid your not doing the difficult work on you – rather you must feel the need for another to “save you”. Not your fault if you are not saved – her fault or someone else.
So why did you start a new thread? Want us to feel sorry for you? Want us to tell you to build yourself up?
You are trying to control the uncontrollable and you are dumping your anxiety on us. You are not listening – rather looking for a “response” from us, any response. But not a response that demands effort on your part.
You only want us to worry with you. That is childish, win-lose behavior Frank. You win relief at our expense. We are the ones absorbing your negative energy.
It is decision time. We cannot keep posting the same stuff again and again while you respond with long posts all about her, or all about where you made mistakes.
Please don’t repeat your last thread. Please. Don’t drive your friends and solutions away. Don't pull us down.
So here we are Frank, waiting to see what you do next......
How much of this thread will be about you and how much about your W, (or maybe about you and Theo if you can change your mind about the orange lycra).............
Come on Frank.....don't leave us in suspense. Wotcha going to do?
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Cherishher said to me this morning, a 'peace keeper' does whatever it takes to 'fix' the relationship or the 'problem'. A 'peace maker' works with their partner to resolve issues.
I was a 'peace keeper' at heart, a fixer. If she was down, when we didn't have money or other tough situations I would 'take care of it' - or try to anyway.
When I couldn't I lost my self esteem, my heart. My armor has been tattered and tarnished for a long time, and my 'queen' hasn't helped me heal those wounds, fix my armor, protect my heart.
Instead, she looks for a new prince 'out there'. How sad for her.
It's sinking in that for all the love and caring I was in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who didn't have the tools or the COURAGE to fight, really FIGHT, for ME.
So, I'm on my own now and maybe this is a blessing in disguise, because I am being released from having her as my 'responsibility'. My kids, and myself are all that I need to be responsible for.
The sad part for me is that when I look past the pain, the sense of loss, I start to feel like I don't want her to come back - ever. Like I told Cherisher, at least 'divorce' has a defined 'end' to it. You can work towards it, prepare for it, and heal.
And, I'm feeling like I could never trust her again anyway unless there was some amazing 'revelation' in her life that forced her to grow up and take responsibility. Don't get me wrong, she's always been good at being responsible for her kids, and other things. She's just not responsible for her husband or making her marriage work.
Too many years have gone by where I've failed to heal myself. I'm going to do that now, no excuses. What a fool I've been, thinking I had the 'love of my life' when in fact I had a woman who could love me, but not be my partner.
But that's not important, it's how I choose to look forward towards my successes, and look at the past ones. I've had many successes and I will create more as I let go of the pain and of the 'need' for my wife.
It's funny, last night she came into my office/room all friendly and asked me what I wanted for dinner because "she couldn't think of anything". I suggested something and she went to go get the materials from the store. Life is good for her.
Later, our D17's boyfriend and his dad came by. I was very outgoing and friendly with the dad, which is something of a 180 because I was usually withdrawn and avoided people I didn't know. At one point our D12 was 'showing off' some pictures she had drawn and I made eye contact with my W who smiled and gave me a 'wink' of 'pride' in our daughter. After they left, I left and came home after W had gone to bed.
This morning we did not speak. I didn't go out of my way to seek her out when she was out of the kitchen and I was having breakfast. When I did see her I smiled but said nothing. I left the house before she did so I wasn't around then either.
It kind of helps me to not deal with her. I'm disappointed in her for what she's done and what she is doing. The 'friendliness' is B.S. and I know that for all the crap I may have done in the past year, I did put in a lot of good into her, and into our family. I got very little in return.
So, I'm feeling a little down as I work on accepting the situation, accepting the end of this marriage. My kids are reacting to the way we are being so I suspect she will want to 'tell them' and move into the guest bedroom soon. That sucks. Why can't she grow up? I am.
I'm working on my list of "to do's" today so I can accomplish anything and build up some more self esteem.
This is hard. It hurts and I was already hurting.
Don't know why this thread is still in piecing, when it ends I'll move it.
Too many years have gone by where I've failed to heal myself. I'm going to do that now, no excuses. What a fool I've been, thinking I had the 'love of my life' when in fact I had a woman who could love me, but not be my partner.
But that's not important, it's how I choose to look forward towards my successes, and look at the past ones. I've had many successes and I will create more as I let go of the pain and of the 'need' for my wife.
Much better Frank. Much better. It took me these past two years to figure that out as well.
We both acted like fools. Maybe we will always be foolish. That is what life is all about - we learn from our foolish mistakes.
We may act foolish b/c we are human - but that does not make us a fool (per the dictionary, an unintelligent or ridiculous person).
Don't know why this thread is still in piecing, when it ends I'll move it.
Because you don't know what will happen. You can move toward your goals (and I highly recommend that) of you think will happen, what you envision, even what you want to happen, but you do not know what is going to happen.
Quote:
Why can't she grow up? I am.
Why should she? What incentive does she have to grow up?
F, got drawn in talking about your wife.
Several things gleaned from your posts.
"Clearly, Obviously..." Words like those, aren't. Those are words used when you're trying to convince someone your right and they are wrong. They are argument words, words used to start fights, and seldom if ever used in finishing one. The 'superior' person will use them to 'prove' points.
True selfless acts, and selfless love, doesn't breed resentment for not being recognized or reciprocated. Resentment comes from wanting to be recognized in some fashion but not getting it.
I like the changes you have started to implement. I hope they help bring about a sense of self to you. I am sure they will.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Don't know why this thread is still in piecing, when it ends I'll move it.
Because you don't know what will happen. You can move toward your goals (and I highly recommend that) of you think will happen, what you envision, even what you want to happen, but you do not know what is going to happen.
Quote:
Why can't she grow up? I am.
Why should she? What incentive does she have to grow up?
F, got drawn in talking about your wife.
Several things gleaned from your posts.
"Clearly, Obviously..." Words like those, aren't. Those are words used when you're trying to convince someone your right and they are wrong. They are argument words, words used to start fights, and seldom if ever used in finishing one. The 'superior' person will use them to 'prove' points.
True selfless acts, and selfless love, doesn't breed resentment for not being recognized or reciprocated. Resentment comes from wanting to be recognized in some fashion but not getting it.
I like the changes you have started to implement. I hope they help bring about a sense of self to you. I am sure they will.
I'm stealing everything from "Clearly..." to "....not getting it".
That's good stuff, Jack.
Frank, you sound better today and still headed in the right direction. Nobody ever said it was easy. But I assure you it will be worth it.
Question: Last Sept my W and I took a Beginning Salsa Class which she had taken once before with her girlfriends. It's a 'social' class where you trade partners and meet people.
We had fun, but in the third week she broke her foot and had to stop.
You may recall that a week ago when things were 'iffy' she said 'oh it's starting up again and they sent us a schedule and said 'we' could use our credit. She also said she had been 'looking for shoes for me' for xmas (which contradicts her statement that in Novemeber she had 'decided' to leave but didn't know when to tell me).
Anyway, she still has the brochure out on her desk which makes me think she wants to take the class. It's thursdays at 6:30 which is tonight of course. This is week 2.
So, if she tells me she wants to go to the class, she may ask me if I want to take it. What do I say?
If she decides to take it and NOT ask me to go with her what do I say? She can't go?
There have never been any interesting guys there but since she is attention starved, who knows what she will 'get' out of it.
Frank, I suppose if you want to take the class with her, you can take it, but I don't think it would be a good move for you personally right now. That's just my opinion based on how difficult it is for you to unwrap your brain from thoughts about her.
If she wants to go alone, let her. She's not a child (although yes, she does act like one).
