Cherishher said to me this morning, a 'peace keeper' does whatever it takes to 'fix' the relationship or the 'problem'. A 'peace maker' works with their partner to resolve issues.
I was a 'peace keeper' at heart, a fixer. If she was down, when we didn't have money or other tough situations I would 'take care of it' - or try to anyway.
When I couldn't I lost my self esteem, my heart. My armor has been tattered and tarnished for a long time, and my 'queen' hasn't helped me heal those wounds, fix my armor, protect my heart.
Instead, she looks for a new prince 'out there'. How sad for her.
It's sinking in that for all the love and caring I was in a dysfunctional relationship with someone who didn't have the tools or the COURAGE to fight, really FIGHT, for ME.
So, I'm on my own now and maybe this is a blessing in disguise, because I am being released from having her as my 'responsibility'. My kids, and myself are all that I need to be responsible for.
The sad part for me is that when I look past the pain, the sense of loss, I start to feel like I don't want her to come back - ever. Like I told Cherisher, at least 'divorce' has a defined 'end' to it. You can work towards it, prepare for it, and heal.
And, I'm feeling like I could never trust her again anyway unless there was some amazing 'revelation' in her life that forced her to grow up and take responsibility. Don't get me wrong, she's always been good at being responsible for her kids, and other things. She's just not responsible for her husband or making her marriage work.
Too many years have gone by where I've failed to heal myself. I'm going to do that now, no excuses. What a fool I've been, thinking I had the 'love of my life' when in fact I had a woman who could love me, but not be my partner.
But that's not important, it's how I choose to look forward towards my successes, and look at the past ones. I've had many successes and I will create more as I let go of the pain and of the 'need' for my wife.
It's funny, last night she came into my office/room all friendly and asked me what I wanted for dinner because "she couldn't think of anything". I suggested something and she went to go get the materials from the store. Life is good for her.
Later, our D17's boyfriend and his dad came by. I was very outgoing and friendly with the dad, which is something of a 180 because I was usually withdrawn and avoided people I didn't know. At one point our D12 was 'showing off' some pictures she had drawn and I made eye contact with my W who smiled and gave me a 'wink' of 'pride' in our daughter. After they left, I left and came home after W had gone to bed.
This morning we did not speak. I didn't go out of my way to seek her out when she was out of the kitchen and I was having breakfast. When I did see her I smiled but said nothing. I left the house before she did so I wasn't around then either.
It kind of helps me to not deal with her. I'm disappointed in her for what she's done and what she is doing. The 'friendliness' is B.S. and I know that for all the crap I may have done in the past year, I did put in a lot of good into her, and into our family. I got very little in return.
So, I'm feeling a little down as I work on accepting the situation, accepting the end of this marriage. My kids are reacting to the way we are being so I suspect she will want to 'tell them' and move into the guest bedroom soon. That sucks. Why can't she grow up? I am.
I'm working on my list of "to do's" today so I can accomplish anything and build up some more self esteem.
This is hard. It hurts and I was already hurting.
Don't know why this thread is still in piecing, when it ends I'll move it.
