I think i did bad last night. I think i caught myself about halfway through, but i don't know if i fixed anything.... This is going to be long, i can already tell... sorry if it doesn't make any sense.
H is gumpy again. Not as bad, but grumpy. He tells me how he's watching some show during the day and then asks me what celebrity I think is hot. Who am i attracted to? Oh geez... Well, I honestly can't think of anyone off the top of my head. I told him that. He says come on, there's got to be someone... So i told him if it was really important to him, that I'd flip through a magazine and find someone. I asked him who he was attracted to, "I asked you first"... ok, whatever.
I flip through 4 weeks of Us Weekly. Couldn't find one that i was really attracted to. I told him that there are a lot of very attractive celebrities out there, but I couldn't think of one and If I saw one i'd let him know. He was pissed off... I couldn't understand why it was such a big deal.
Suddenly, he starts treating me differently. He went to get in the shower (normally he'd tell me, instead i heard running water and asked). He seemed to be looking for something and I asked what. He said, just something. I asked if he needed my help. No, wouldn't want to bother you. I said it's no bother, what do you need. He says, don't worry about it. FINE... Later i asked him why and he said that he was mad and was just doing his own thing. This is how he gets. He gets mad and we are no longer H&W, he is him and I am me and we takes a while to get back to.
I go in the bedroom and wait for him to get ready for the shower and i ask him what is wrong? What happened in the last 20 minutes that caused this anger in him? He said that if i can't even be honest about thinking a celebrity is cute or having a fantasy, that there must be someone in real life that i'd rather have. Oh man... I reassure him that is not the case. That i love him. That if it's that important, i'd find someone. He says don't even worry about it and gets in the shower.
So i'm crying, part frustration, part confusion, part sadness that he is still thinking that way so strongly.
I go back into the living room, start picking up a little. H comes out and announces that he's going to bed. OK. I start shutting off lights and the tv and check on the girls. I get in bed, and say goodnight. He says, yeah, goodnight.
I ask him what's on his mind. Lots about how he feels like I wouldn't tell him if i thought someone else is cute. (i have mentioned that a guy is good looking in the past, haven't recently though given the sitch, thought it better not to) He thinks that i don't tell him how i feel. That he wakes up every morning thinking that today might be the day that i say i'm done with him. that he keeps having to try and do stuff for me because if he's not perfect one day, that i might find someone else. Goes on and on about how he has all these bad dreams and thoughts during the day. How he hates mexicans and the troops. How I keep everything from him and I'm probably out telling someone else how i feel...
UH OH... i was upset and reacted without a whole lot of thought. I think if it hadn't been for some of the things you all have told me to say, i really would have screwed it all up...
I told him that there is noone else i'm talking to. That I've been doing everything in my power to show him that I'm not going to make a mistake like that ever again. that He doesn't tell me what he needs from me, so I can only do what I think is best in regards to him trusting me and not worrying. I'm sorry he's having bad dreams and thoughts, but I can't control that. I can't control the fact that he sits here and thinks about it all day long. I have no control over the emotions that he is feeling. That I only have control over me and my actions. I told him that I have forgiven myself, God has forgiven me and although i don't expect him to forgive and start trusting again in any set time frame that eventually he has to, he has to put this behind him and focus on the now and the future or he will never get past this. the hatred that he's holding for these large groups of people will hold us back because (IMO) hanging on to that will be a constant reminder of what happened. I asked if he hated me. He said that was just stupid. I told him it was my fault and that mexicans in general and the troops in general didn't do anything to him. I told him that i can understand how right now, it probably hurts him to think about those groups because it makes him think of EA, but that his being hispanic and in the army had nothing to do with it. That if he refuses to let go of that anger he won't get past this and we, as a couple, can't move forward. I said that I love him and that's why I'm here trying, but unless he gives me something specific to do, that I can only do what seems right to me.
Silence....
I asked him what he heeded from me. He needs me to share my feelings with him more. (took about 30 minutes for him to explain how i wasn't and what he wants, which i still don't entirely understand, but i don't go on about that.)
He asked why his grabbing and groping (not his words) bothered me so much. Why i always eventually push him away. I think i might have realized a part of the reason why... Immediately after EA, H made me have sex with him. It wasn't at gun point or anything, but I was hardly in a position to say no and i would have. It hurt like hell and I cried the whole time and he eventaully stopped. I let him do what he wanted. I know (for some reason) that he needed that. I just laid there in bed and cried. He said a simple sorry after he was done and never said anything about it afterwards and I did my very best to forget about it. Anyways... i told him that since all his groping and stuff started afterwards, that maybe(cause i'm not even sure) subconciously, i'm relating it to that. I don't know, but i feel like an object rather than the W that he says he loves. That didn't get a good reaction. oh well... I eventually fell asleep.
D3 crawled into bed w/ us at about 5:30. I didn't realize what time it was and let her. H got all pissed off because i let her lay with me in bed. Why didn't i make her get up and go back to bed. Probably cause i was half asleep and just wanted to go back to sleep, i dunno, wasn't really thinking. Anyways. H didn't wake up this morning, i just went to work. called him on the way and left a message. Just called him at 9:45 to wake him up because i knew he had a phone meeting at 10.
It's funny (not haha)that I noticed that he does things like the tattoo conversation a lot. You have to answer me, I don't have to give you any answer and I'm going to be mad when I don't hear what i want. I want you to be honest with me, but I'm going to be mad. He kept saying that i wouldn't answer him about the celebrity question. I told him that i did, it just wasn't the answer he had wanted to hear...
And now... we have a dr appt today. Ultrasound. Hopefully we find out if we are having a little boy or girl or both (twins run on his side)... who knows?
If i can't fall in love... I'd like to fall in chocolate! ~ Author Unknown
