D Final Soon. Need to Move On...

[GainingStrength]

I've been very depressed this month. It's because my divorce will be final February 4. My STBXW is now driving hard for the finish line: get divorce final in Feb., finish conversion to Catholicism in March (OM is a devout Catholic), buy house with OM in April, wedding in May. When she sets a goal, absolutely nothing will stop her and she will step on anyone who gets in her way.

Anyway, I just learned she has set a wedding date and she asked me to take care of our DD while she goes on her honeymoon. It's all got me down.

The purpose of all of this is to ask how everyone felt and how you coped as the divorce was about to become final (I know some rejoiced, but I'm not there yet). Advice on coping, detaching and moving on are all welcome.

[JMC]

So sorry for your sitch. I am in a similar position. D is near. We have not yet filed (expect to do so ourselves - no young kids, house sold, no maintenance - just simple division of debt and financial assets), but expect to do so soon.

I notice that I have been waking up at 2 am almost every night since she called a week ago (after 6 weeks nc) and after a 40 minute conversation catching up she indicated that we should file soon. This whole thing is surreal to me.

The OM can not be that devout a catholic if he is pursuing a married woman. As a catholic, that is just my opinion. Also, keep in mind that, according to numerous sources, marriage to the affair partner typically ends in divorce 75-85% of the time, versus the normal 60% for second marriages.

[Confused_in_AZ]

Sorry to hear your situation. It is very surreal. I remember that aspect of my D. I still can't believe that it happened....but it did.

My best advice is to take time for yourself, to do things for yourself and to GAL. Get your mind off of it as much as you can. Grieve if you must, but then start working on your new life and make everyday what you want it to be!

[JMC]

My best advice is to take time for yourself, to do things for yourself and to GAL. Get your mind off of it as much as you can.

Thanks CAIZ - good advice, sometimes it is easier than others. Need it today as W called to discuss the 401-k division and suggested an attorney would be better, in part to 'take the emotion out of it'.

I reluctantly agreed at this point. Told her to do what she has to do. I sensed a little emotion in her voice. I called her back 5 minutes later and left a message (on her cell), but 1.5 hrs later - no response. Oh well, sorry to borrow the thread. Heading to a college basketball game with friends tonight as I continue to GAL.

[GainingStrength]

JMC and Caiz:

Thanks so much for your thoughts. I've been working hard at GAL since the bomb, but it's still hard as D-Day approaches.

Yes I know her marriage will eventually implode. Too bad it will be too late for our M and our family. I feel for my kids, but I've made a good start at moving on. I'll be better next month.

[Confused_in_AZ]

Why wait for next month....start today! Chances are your STBXW is like mine.....completely NOT the person that you married. Can't say why that one is....what is going on with them but I have realized the sooner that you come to grips with that, it makes it easier to deal with.

I still hold out hope that my XW will again become the person taht I fell in love with, however, I am not stopping my life and waiting around. I am enjoying and living life! Having her (the woman that I married) would just be a plus!

Hang in there....we are all supporting you!

[GainingStrength]

Confused - Thanks for the good words! Actually, I've been GALing for six months, so I really haven't waited. I'm just going through an emotional rough spot as the D final date draws near.

You're right though. The woman I married no longer exists. The OM should be careful what he wishes for. She's on best behavior for him now, but just wait til after the wedding. She will revert to the egocentric, self seeking woman with narcissistic personality disorder that I have come to know over the past year. Should be interesting.

[momto4]

Hi there,
Just wanted to express my sympathies at the hell you are going through. You are not alone. When my ex told me he was getting married, I knew it was coming. I had found about the other woman while he was still living here, but of course I'd hoped they wouldn't get married. Of course, they did before the print could dry on our divorce decree. My ex came by the house one day while my older kids were at school to drop the bomb. I was at home with my 1 and 2 year old still in diapers. He also asked ME to break the news to all the kids for him. I don't remember what I said back to him. I just remember him walking out of the house, and me going back to wash dishes at the sink. About a minute later I started screaming my head off. I screamed and screamed and yelled and screamed. Then I went to the bathroomand I threw up. Then I laid down on the bathroom floor and cried uncontrollably in between puking. I really had a mini breakdown right there in the bathroom. And my 1 and 2 y.o. drug blankets and pillows into the bathroom where I was laying having a breakdown, and put the pillows under my head, covered me up with blankets, and then drug all their toys and bears into the bathroom and sat there with me for the next 2 hours while I cried and threw up.

Then I called my mom and she told me that she wanted to poke out my ex husband's eyes and ring his neck. That always makes me feel better lol....and my babies hugged me, and said "Mommy u ok?"

And then I got up, wiped my face, and went on with life.

So you are not alone. And you have every right to feel like your heart is breaking. But keep yourself busy, keep doing what you need to do, keep good friends by your side, watch lots of funny movies, listen to only happy music, and keep believing that you are a person of value. And I promise you that it will not always be this painful.

[Jeff223]

Good luck to you. My D just happened - the ink is still wet.

However, it is a relief of sorts. I fought the fight for two years - now it is time to move on. I focus on that - the present and a future filled with opportunity. I try not to live in the past any longer.

But is is difficult. I visited my house yesterday - she finally moved out and returned it to me per the D agreement. It was hard, looking at the empty place and remembering the good times. But remembering the good times helps us heal.

The woman I married no longer exists.

That is the attitude but one so hard to accept. I don't like to call them aliens b/c that is angry - but the "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" always comes to mind here. And also remember that she cannot hurt you any longer.

So treat the D as your opportunity to start fresh. Improve what you can and accept the rest. You will do well.

[Lissie]

So treat the D as your opportunity to start fresh. Improve what you can and accept the rest. You will do well.

Excellent.

My D will be final tomorrow, fought the long fight for 2 years.

Onward and forward, lovey. You will be ok. Have faith that God has beautiful things in store for you.

I know it hurts. I am sorry for your pain. You will smile again.