Movie was good last night...ate too much popcorn though so I didn't do the dinner thing. Got home around 9:00 and promptly fell asleep on the couch. Why I have a bed I do not know.
Can't say I did the detach thing well yesterday. Sister called me and started talking about things that are difficult in her life and because of my sitch I could tell her a lot of the reasons why. It mostly has to do with how we were raised and the inability to do recognize it and do something different and quite honestly what we want to do without feeling wrong. And then fast-forward to my current sitch, blah blah...So, I went into the movie thinking of WAW, which was not the point.
Found a couple houses to consider looking at...hard to do without WAW but I do not want to live in the house I am currently in for a long time. So, I feel like this is a step in the right direction. I can at least look without purchasing. One day I'll know what to do.
I often feel like my Grandmother who lost her husband years ago. It was apparent to many people that she was basically unable to make decisions because he made decisions about everything. It is similar for me. I just don't know what is best for myself sometimes. It's not that I am factoring WAW in decisions. It is just hard to make quality decisions that effect yourself and 5D with visitation, etc...so sometimes I just do as before, which I just know is not necessarily best. I know this stems from the continuing saga and how now we all question everything in our lifes.
Looked at a couple house this morning. Can't afford what I want, but it's still kind of fun. Got appointment Wednesday to look at some. 5D will be with me...even more enjoyable.
Really missing WAW today. Darkness/detachment seemed easier a few weeks ago. I think it is harder now because our last few conversations have been really pleasant and enjoyable, especially the last one where she noticed changes and so on. Easy to leave the person angry with you alone...much more difficult not to want to hear the sweetness in her voice and picture her smiling like I did so recently.
8:45 Sunday morning WAW calls to ask if I was taking 5D to church. I said yes and was on my way. She then says that the outfit I brought for her to wear two weeks ago is to small now. So, we discussed alternatives. 8:55 - WAW calls back needing panty hose for 5D. I said I had a few different kinds and what let her pick what is best. Validating her decision and illustrating that I cannot replace WAW as she stated a week or so ago. 9:10 - Arrive to pickup 5D for church. She asked me to watch dog in yard as he went to do his business. Then, 5D exits the house and WAW talk a bit. -First thing WAW said was she had a rough week and meant to call me about a message my grandfather left looking for me. I told her I knew what it was about and described a silly situation where he was trying to call my sister and calling a whole bunch of people to get me to talk to her. WAW said she didn't understand and I said yeah it's a mess I told them to leave me out of it. -#2 - WAW said her church got out later than mine and wanted me to take 5D to eat lunch or something. At first I thought she was asking me to go to lunch with her but then I realized I was off on that. #3 - Immediately after that I said that I wasn't taking 5D to a family get together that is always on 2nd Sunday of the month. She asked why and I said I've tried to tell you why I've been unhappy all this time and I do not want 5D around my parents. I said I don't like it but I've accepted it. She does not have the whole story here but it does validate her feelings about my folks. #4 - I asked about her foot that she bashed into dishwasher as she was talking on the phone with me and she held it out for me to look at. I said that must have hurt and it's red but at least you can move it. #5 - WAW shared that she was going to go out of town to get dog food and how he was sick night before. I said I could watch him while she was gone if she wanted. She declined and said that he seems better now and told me about the eggs she fixed him night before that he got sick on. I said his business wasn't runny so maybe he was better and we laughed about it. ---All very pleasant, nice, hopeful, ... then as I was leaving with 5D, #6 - WAW quitely with her head down says,"If I(me) am paying for lawyer, I need to get them on the ball." It kind of surprised me, but I said "Yeah, you are right about that." and headed to church. Put me in a yuck mood.
Took 5D to lunch after church and when I took her to WAW's I got out and knocked on door. #1 - WAW looked great and I said, "You look really cute." She said,"Why thank you." I commented on her hair and she said she had just curled it. I said it looked good. #2 - Told WAW what 5D had/had not eaten. She seemed surprised. #3 - Told WAW about prayer 5D shared with me at the end of church. 5D told me that God told her that he loved her. WAW smiled and 5D was grinning and laughing cutely. #4 - Got hugs/kisses from 5D and stated to WAW to be careful on her trip out of town and left.
Positives 1) pleasant 2) WAW sharing good bits of her life, rough week, going out of town, church schedule, dog sick, etc. 3) let me look at her foot 4) spoke to me a good while 5) noticed my change wrt my parents. 6) Validated her several times, rough week, foot, etc...
Negatives 1) she mentioned lawyer - I think she was probing to see what I was doing. This is also a positive - I do not think she is going to file fault papers(untrue and she cannot win)
So, then I call sister in the afternoon...after a good bit of talking, I may have violated a DB rule. She suggested I get some flowers and put on the step while she was out of town as a friendly gesture. So, I went to town and got some small carnations, didn't cost much at all, and wrote a note saying, "Here's hoping you have a better week." Didn't address or sign it. I think it's a friendly gesture but it could be thought as pursuing. It is definitely something different and validates her rough week. Perhaps, she will think of it like that.
Thoughts/Plans 1) Need to hold off on letter until next week because of flower thing. 2) I need to tell her why I was unhappy in a letter, apologize and explain what happened to give her the last straw. 3) I need to tell her about my parents and why I do not want 5D around them. She does not have the whole story...I will have to do this in person. 4) I need to tell her things that I am doing that effect 5D.
this seems like a lot...but I feel like I need to illustrate changes in my life and how it effects 5D. So, one-way or another I will have to tell her. I think I just need to do it a little at a time...time will tell
My PMA is great. And I know I can life without her. I just will not give up until she at least has the whole story. If she still feels the same then I guess I have nothing left except a life for myself that I can life with.
In the last three weeks to month, I've noticed a few positive changes in my WAW.
1) She has called me 5 or 6 times. She would not have bothered calling before. It is never about us but it's a start. 2) Every conversation is now pleasant, friendly, and sometimes we share a giggle. 3)Yesterday, she accepted my compliment when I said, "you look really cute." Her response of, "why thank you." with a half-smile is completely different from the almost turn her back response when we first separated. 4) She is starting to share snipets of her life, rough week of work, going out of town, when her church lets out, etc... before she would have said nothing. 5) She allowed me to show concern over her foot yesterday...in the past she would not have allowed it and said something like "Why would you care?" 6) She noticed, acknowledged, and commented on some 180's in my life when I enrolled 5D in dance class. She would not have said or looked at a thing before.
- I am sure I could try to think of more but these are first things I thought up. I need to make sure that I realize these are all small steps and not a leap to a date or something...It is so hard being dark when I pickup 5D Sunday mornings. However, leaving her completely alone for all this time, other than picking up 5D, seems to be giving her the space she wants.
I am going to put her lawyer comment in the believe 50% of what they say column. I think her quiet with head down statement, "if you are paying for a lawyer, you need to get them on the ball." is almost probing me to see what I am doing. "if you are paying" is most interesting...why preface the statement. Just seems WAW would just say get them on the ball...perplexing.
5D is with me for next 4 days. As a recap, when I picked-up 5D for church, the first thing WAW told me was that she had a rough week last week. I told her I was sorry that...Well, that afternoon, when 5D and WAW were out of town, I got a very small bundle of very small carnations and put them on her step with a note saying, "Hope you have a better week." 5D told me yesterday that WAW smiled and put them on the shelve when she went inside. Easier to do nothing, but I think that would be more of the same. So, I did something different, yet very small and it really has nothing to do with us. Who knows how she will take it?
Tomorrow, I will take 5D to look at a new house. WAW will call that night to speak to 5D. It will be interesting what she thinks about me getting a new place, seeking out my dreams, and moving on.
I still feel like my letter will impact WAW. My DB coach recommended I send it around now about 3-4 weeks ago. But now, I think I will have to wait because of recent interactions, flowers, and maybe even Wednesday house thing.
Small baby steps...many short, pleasant, enjoyable conversations since x-mas...a start.
Well, WAW called last night...I immediately said you want to talk to 5D and she said, "No I need to talk to you". I thought oh crud what is this about...but it was another great, pleasant, full of laughter conversation... in brief, because I have work to do
1) She shared in detail about situation at work, bats in the building. We were almost ROFL about it. She shared about one swooping down toward her and she yelled about it and then looked to see if anyone watching. Shared a lot of laughter and I then showed I cared by telling her to be careful, etc.. 2) Talked about 5D school and dance class. She was very interested and said good many times regarding her progress. I even asked her opinion on how to teach 5D something. She said she thought I was doing just fine. Mutual validation I think. 3) Her work will not allow her to keep 5D on a day she is scheduled to. She offered to swap with me on my B-Day, if I didn't have plans. 4) We talked about really bad weather last week and the impact our work.
Hard to be specific being brief but...my thoughts/positives. 1) Again a very pleasant, enjoyable, and this time full of laughter conversation...I am losing count of consecutive enjoyable conversations. 2) I validated and once got to extend conversation by saying,"oh no" which lead her to describe situation in more detail. 3) She shared a good bit of her life 4) She did not have to share her life. She could have just said I have to work blah blah can you swap days with me and get off the phone. Instead we have another great conversation. 5) She thought of me and my B-day. 6) No lawyer stuff...
- It isn't an invite for a date, but it feels like a small step in the right direction. She is being so nice lately when we talk that I feel hopeful. Of course, it's hard not to think about a new life with her, but patience is the key because we are only taking 15 minutes steps once or twice a week.
ADVICE needed please, my DB coach recommeded just before x-mas that I send WAW a letter/card telling her why I was unhappy - it has nothing to do with her - to be sent basically now. However, events between x-mas and now make me apprehensive. As a brief review,
12/24 - WAW did not bring 5D to my house as planned basically because she was angry and wanted to hurt me.
1/6 - WAW calls and we have pleasant and enjoyable conversation about 5D and no us.
1/7 - I enroll 5D in dance class and WAW finds out. She notices a change in me saying, "I am just very surprised, you wouldn't have done this before." "I am surprised you could", "You know you cannot replace me".
1/14 - WAW calls twice regarding 5D church clothes. Then, at WAW house we have very pleasant, enjoyable conversation, she shared rough week, hurt foot, dog sick, plans for the day, etc...and later when I said, "you look really cute", she said, "why thank you." I put flowers on porch later to validate her rough week with a note, "Here's hoping you have a better week."
1/16 - WAW calls and we have a great conversation full of laughter about her work sitch. She shares more about her job and schedule on Friday. She offers to swap days with my B-day, etc...About 20 minute conversation.
This has all happened while I am attempting to be dark. She breaks it with calls that could wait. She has not been angry with me since 12/24. She does not have to share nearly as much as she is now. She could just say, "I cannot keep 5D friday, can you do it?". Instead, she shares her life and even says she prefers me to keep 5D vs her mother. My point is she is talking with me more than necessary especially, if you want a D and don't want anything to do with me.
So, I guess I am unsure what to do. More time? Hard to know what to do based on about 30 minutes of contact a week but...she is not angry and is talking some now. I was thinking a card at the end of next week. Short and brief describing why I was unhappy and why I did what happened on the day of the last straw. From my point of view and then I put myself in her shoes. Again brief. I really feel like the contents would make a huge impact on her, but it would bring up the past and thus I am concerned that she might get angry again. If I wait longer than end of next week then my B-Day comes around and I think the card loses some value.
Meanwhile, I am still leaving her alone and I am not initiating contact. I am giving her the space it is clear she wanted. I guess I am unsure if now is the time or to wait more.
I guess I am asking when do you stop essentially doing nothing and try something?
For example, WAW mentioned a school basketball game she has to attend because of work and that she wanted me to keep 5D this day. She even hinted that maybe my grandparents could keep her if need be, instead of her mother. My sister thinks I should just show up. I was not invited but she most definitely shared it with me. Feels like some sort of movie plot with me sitting in the stands, LOL. Seems like pursuing but you get my point. How do you know when to do something as oppose to sitting back and waiting?
Thanks for the response, Wooglint. Yeah, patience is difficult especially when I've seen the light.
A month ago, I anticipated sending the card now with status being similar to then. It seems things are improving. Baby steps I suppose, I guess I just want to take another step. If I send card, it will be end of next week about 4 days before my B-Day.
I expect WAW will call Saturday morning to inquire about when I am bringing her 5D and I'll will take 5D to church Sunday. Perhaps, I'll get a clue after the weekend.
