Don't be too hard on yourself, Dave. What's done is done. Focus on being the best Dave, today. You are not a moron. Just human, and you're learning. You have a good heart and today you can do something good.
Keep the pressure off your W. No R talk, unless she initiates. When you spend time with the kids, make it fun! Enjoy your time with them.
if you need to dump or vent, do it here, or with a trusted friend. Not to W's parents!
Stay strong. She wants you to be strong and stable for her.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
No you are not a moron, you are human. Comments like that hold you back and make your journey much, much longer. Remember your journey to rebuild you won't take a day or even a week. It will have it's up and downs and each down doesn't mean failure or an end. They are only part of the journey.
Apologizing is good. Now did you apologize in a way she understands? That is in her apology language? Go here for a better idea on it, http://www.fivelanguagesofapology.com/ Now that you've said your apology you need to live your apology. So keep on that personal journey. At some point she'll start to see the rebuilding of you.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Yeah I made the mistake of telling MIL some of stuff W did. Including her EA and her brief brush with a potential OM that caused her to push for the D. She accidentally told FIL about the potential OM and he was very upset as well. I know I shouldn't have said anything but I was just really upset... Oh well, I just hope it doesn't come back and bite me. If W finds out what I did I think that would pretty much be the end of us.... W is visiting parents right now due to the grandmother funeral. I sure hope FIL does not say anything.... I know MIL has asked him not to.... Fingers crossed.... See? I am a moron at times....
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
We all do things that in retrospect weren't the most brilliant moves on our parts. Don't get hung up on them, just learn and move forward in your journey. Again remember there will be highs and lows, positives and negatives. How you respond in the lows and to the negatives will say more about your character in the long run. Accept these lows and negatives and move forward in a positive way and be done with it.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
I wished I had a dime for every time I called my FIL or BIL to try and recruit their help in stopping this whole car wreck. When you see a life you love slipping away, you do things that are deperate. No doubt about it. I have stopped doing that...100%. Both my FIL and BIL are devastated by this whole thing. There's nothing anyone can do, and it jsut pis3ed my W. off even worse. You've done nothing that probably all of us on this borad have not done at one time. Let's face it, you are now emotionally wounded, and the emotional fight or flight kicks in. Bottom line. Stop being desperate! No more talks with relatives. It's poison, but you're just human like the rest of us!
I haven't said anything to the MIL since the last vent and won't anymore. It just puts unnecessary stress on her. Especially one of the BIL is also going towards a divorce. Truthfully I had no intention of enlisting help from the MIL. I know my W is stubborn and will not listen to anyone, including her parents. Often times I've told the MIL not to bother "talking" to the W since it's pointless. I think I just wanted to vent and it's someone that listens to me and maybe agrees with me. Or maybe I just want MIL to know that I'm really not a bad guy.... Maybe I just wanted to get some insight on my W from the MIL. It's interesting that the MIL thinks I should go out and date and give my W a taste of her own medicine. MIL thinks my W is out of her mind and not thinking straight.... I definitely have not told my parents about any of my W's exploits and behaviors.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
Dave, everyone has done what you've done. Just back it off tho.
It poisons the relationship. Your inlaws and relatives may get really ticked off at your W, which makes it harder for her to come back.
Also, it feels like control and pressure to your W.
In the end the truth will come out. Act with integrity now, and keep your mouth shut, and you have nothing to worry about as far as your long term reputation with your inlaws.
if you want insight, contact someone OUTSIDE the relationship. no family, no one who has a relationship with W. A counselor. A distant friend. people here on this board.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
So I receive the daily email from Cunningham. Today he said something interesting:
"How many times have you heard things like "I love you, but I'm not 'in love' with you..."??? That "in love" thing isn't love at all; it's attraction. With it, life is grand, a fun and intimate adventure, and without it, it's a boring cesspool, because it is truly what makes the world of relationships go 'round. Attraction brings you together and keeps you together, while love adds the friendship, respect, trust, and loyalty that makes the relationship exclusive, strong during tough times, and intimate in all the non-physical ways necessary to keep you together for the long haul and weather the storms together."
That certainly puts things in perspective it seems. Basically we LBS may have done things to kill that attraction the WAS had for us and we get the ILUBNILWY.
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
You just went to beating yourself up in a different direction. Take it easy on yourself. We all have something to do with ous WAS, but every one of those Cunningham letters will have you kicking yourself for not being the perfect "alpha male" or being "nuaghty" all the time or being "too predictable" and "boring; the killer of all romance". Not all of us are Brad Pitt, dude! We have lives and raised kids and worked more than one job at times! Sorry, the Cunningham report is helpful, but don't set your watch by it!
FLTC, in some way his stuff makes some sense to me. I guess you have to take everything you read and process them instead of take them for what they are literally. I think I can relate with what he's saying at some points. For years I've been quite passive and not take charge of things. Some of it is my personality, some of it I just want to make her happy and just left all the choices to her instead of be more assertive. New Years Eve she flipped out at me because I wasn't taking control of things. Long story.... Lately I've been presented with a few opportunities to work on taking charge of things and I've done that and W has definitely noticed and really likes it. I guess maybe it's just doing a 180 or something different. But I'm doing it for me. Be less passive and more assertive in life.
But I think the main point I see here is this "I'm not in love with you" has nothing to do with actual love. In a round about way he's saying that love is a choice, and being "in love" is not the same as you truly loving someone.
Somehow I don't think Brad Pitt has to do much work to get his woman. It seems he's not much of an "alpha male" consider the psycho he's running with right now. :P
M: 31 W: 31 M: 7 T: 8 S:4 D:2 Bomb dropped: too many to count or remember, 12/17/07 last one S on 9/2/07 W sent off D papers 12/31/07. Me trying to live life and hope she returns one day.
