Thanks, I may take you up on your offer. It is so hard, I know just what you mean about being asleep/unavailable but the mouse wants to go down the tunnels thinking there will be some loving gesture at the end. Guess mouse doesn't truly grasp "separation", huh?? Anyway with the kids here sleeping tonight I will have to be here. H seems to think he'll be home 9:30ish which is ridiculously early for me to go to bed. So I will be around, but not initiate any communication, for SURE no R talk or touching of any kind on my behalf. He will be meeting the movers next Tues. during the work day. So no problem with that. I will take the kids over at a different time, maybe Wed., so it won't be "THE DAY" when we visit. I know there will be many more tears but I am trying to be as upbeat as possible in front of kids. I want them to see that mommy and daddy are ok with this (even if we aren't) so maybe they can find a way to be ok with it too. I am doing my best to have no expectations which is super hard. But I am determined to 180 and DB my way through tonight and the nights to come. We'll see how that works....Thanks for the good words!
An update in case you don't read my posts on "confused Husband" in the newcomers area. Last night, H sent me two random (to me anyway) texts about how ever since Eve tempted Adam the world hasn't been right w/God, and bc of the weakness of men, the world never would be but thankfully God is merciful. Then the second was that he didn't think he could ever trust a woman again as they all have agendas, but he hoped he could learn to trust again or life would be long and lonely. Bottom line, he got home a few minutes later and told me that his ex-OW (who is on the Tues. night bowling league w/him)was "Freaking PSYCHO!!" in his words. So I guess she was somehow driving him crazy all night and had been calling/texting him repeatedly on his way home from bowling--they used to get together after bowling every Tuesday night. So I am trying to be a duck and figure that the mistrust/resentment of women right now is bc of how she is acting/reacting to the end of their relationship. I am actually glad he has seemed to move from romantic love to this dis-illusionment with OW. Makes me feel more confident that the A is really over, as he said it was 2 weeks ago. Anyway, I started into my old pattern of challenging his comments, Me: What do you mean, you can never trust a woman again?When have I ever betrayed your trust? (Wrong! I know!) H: You said I never talk to you, I am talking, do you want me to or not?
Well that was all it took I did my 180 like a good girl and encouraged him to share his feelings. Told him I was sorry he felt that way about women and that I hoped he could learn to trust again, too, so his life wasn't lonely. He then said, "I can't be your whole life!" to me. I admit bc we moved 8 times in 8 years of marriage for HIS job I often expected him to be my everything friend/lover/playmate-wise bc it was hard for me to meet new people when home while he is at job with peers who go to lunch and out for beer, etc. I sent him a "Detach w/love" letter about a week ago sharing realizations I had made about MY contributions to our M problems--not that I excused his A. Anyway there was a specific section on my GAL plans, that I knew I needed to reach out, go back to work, get into Bible Study again, make some girlfriends, go out w/my sister more, get back into running 5Ks, etc. I admitted that I had relied on him to meet all of my needs in the past, and that I knew that was wrong. That I was going to spend our separation working on becoming the me that I want to be, that I hoped he could find what he needed for himself during that time too, but that I would be focused on me. So when he dropped the "I can't be your whole life" comment last night, I replied, "I am well aware of that. I explained to you in my letter--we hadn't ever talked about it--that I was working on doing things myself to make my life better." He said, "Yeah, NOW!!", as in, why did it take you 10 years to figure out I suppose. I told him I knew my realization was a long time coming, but I had made the realization, and all I could do was move forward. He seemed done w/conversation at that point,not mad just tired and still had to pack and get up at 4 am, I can read him well by now. So I said, thanks a lot for sending me those messages and sharing your feelings with me. If/when you ever want to share your thoughts with me, I will be glad to listen. Good night." I went to bed in our bedroom and 30 min. later he joined me there for the second night in a row, after 3 weeks in separate beds. Woke up in the night and his arm was wrapped around my upper thigh, nothing sexual, just holding it. Nothing happened, and he left this am for Denver for 4 days. He left me a TM saying he got there and he hoped I was enjoying day 2 back at work. I replied briefly but intend to give him his space unless he contacts me, part of my not expecting him to "be my life". Does this sound good at all, or not? Is it progress, or not? I am worried about the never trusting women, they all have an agenda, type comments. But am hoping they are colored by experience from OW and other past experience and will change over time. Oh well I guess I think things are going well bc he actually shared feelings with me last night, even if I didn't like them, he let me know that he is totally disgusted/irritated with ex-OW (yay), and HE contacted ME again today--for several days I have not contacted him unless he TM'ed or called ME. Anyway all for now.
So yesterday H left for Denver. As he left said, "See you on Sunday" so I guess he IS coming home for a couple days before he moves into Apt. Anyway I took "See you Sunday" to mean I wouldn't talk to him until then. Which is fine, he has said he needs time and space. But at noon yesterday I checked my phone over lunch in case daycare called (D's only had 2 days there), and he had sent a TM, that he made it to Denver and wondered how Day 2 back at work was going. Since he asked a ? I sent a brief reply about how I am sooo loving work. I am, and I think he'll like that bc he has told me I need my own life, not just him. So that was that, & he called last night, no TM, an actual call. Wanted to know how the day went, how I was doing. Talked 5 min and then he had to leave for dinner. Said he'd call later, but didn't, and I didn't call him. This a.m. H calls my cell at 7:30. Wants to know if I am on way to work. I tell him no, it's a snow day so school is closed, but I sub again tomorrow. I put S on the phone for about a minute, then get back on to finish up. H says he just wanted to see what I was up to, and how it was going. I say just fine and leave it at that. Upbeat the whole time but not clingy, didn't try to prolong the call or anything. After hanging up I realized that since he called my cell thinking I was headed to work, he called just to talk to ME, not S or D. Wonder what that means? Either he is still interested in me, or he is checking to see if my GAL-work-fun-happy thing is for real, like to see if it will last more than a day or two. Or maybe he just wants reassurance that I will be fine without him if he decides to leave me? Definitely hope it isn't the last option. Any ideas?
