DO NOT MOVE OUT. Seek legal counsel before changing your living arrangements. If you move out you implicitly give up rights, regardless whether she "asked" you to move out. Seek counsel.
STOP ALL R TALK. you read it, you understand it, but you still talk about the R. Stop it. Stop. Stop. Stop. Seriously. Stop. Stop giving her the books. Stop. Stop talking to her about DB. NOW. STOP.
BELIEVE NONE OF WHAT YOU HEAR and ONLY HALF OF WHAT YOU SEE I-love-you-but-i-am-not-in-love-with-you is par for the course. Forget it. Don't stress yourself about it.
BE THE MAN Imagine you are not married. What would you do to attract a mate like your wife? Would you cry? would you break down? give up your friends? Mope? Or.... would you have fun? be joyful? enjoy your kids? enjoy your life (such as it is)? Be the MAN she wants.
My armchair analysis: She feels stuck in her life. She feels like everything is the same, nothing is stimulating her, nothing driving forward.
What if you showed her how an adult can learn new things, pick up new hobbies? indepedently. Don't invite her to the theater. Just go yourself.
Second: is there anything she has complained about, before? Do you smoke and she hates it? do you drink and she hates it? do you watch football all saturday and she wants to go to a broadway show? Change yourself.
What's happening to you is a tragedy, and I feel for you. But being down about it will not help you. unfair, yes. But you need to step up. deal with it.
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
I have right now is her saying she doesn't have the feeling anymore and whether she will get it back ============ At this stage of your marriage life, what binds you is commitment, feelings come and go, and loving feelings can return with time. I know you are aching to ML with her, but for now start with 0 expectations, just hold her hand briefly or when she allows it hug her for a bit, that's how you start. Neediness is a lowsy way to make yourself attractive, I know it hurts, but hang in there, this is a long ride. I see many good signs and I pray for patience for you and that in time she can wake up from her MLC. No matter what you show her (DB book) her mind will only believe what she wants to believe.
Also, please give the anti-D time, (my H is depressed), dont' expect an overnight change, it takes a while, see your dr frequently to fine tune the meds, sometimes it takes a while to get the right dosage/med.
You are doing great, hang in there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Next week she leaves on a cruise with 40 family members for 12 days ( I was invited but declined back in July for i don't like cruises and didn't want to spend 12 straight days with anyone).
I am hurting really, really bad and would appriciate any help anyone can offer.
I'm guessing that she would expect you not to go on the cruise. that she knows you hate that sort of thing.
So... in that case, something different for you to do...... would be to go on the cruise. And figure out how you can actually get some enjoyment out of it.
But dont do it, if you cant get your head in gear about how to actually enjoy it, and "be a part of her life". To support her, in what SHE thinks is important. Rather than an attitude of, "I dont like that, i wont support you on it; so you go do what you want, i'll just do my own thing".
So.. that's one possibility for you.
On the flip side, I agree with the other folks, that there could also be some benefit from the time apart.
Trying for the cruise would be a risky thing. Only worth while, if you could really be a positive person during it.
Last edited by Dom R; 01/16/0807:38 PM.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
Dom, all wanted me to go on the cruise and I said no before the summer ended for I don't like them and it is in the middle of ski season which I enjoy with my boys. To late to go on the cruise now.
Dom, what do you think about her saying she loves me but does not know if she will get the feeling back again. DB has two spots where they speak of this. In one chapter it says you don't just lose the feeling and in the other chapter discussing infidelity it says this would be the typical thing that she would say if she had another man.
She keeps telling me that she dosn't know if the feeling will come back.
I am hopeful for we are getting along well, conversing well, in the same house, in the same bed, no D talk (but maybe that will be after the cruise)we are going to therapy and she wants to read DB. Not hopeful for she keeps talking about physical seperation and not knowing if she will get the feeling back. It is very hard for me not to talk about R. I am a salesman and want fast results. I want my baby back!
I am hurting man! Looking forward to going out with friends tonight!
I am a salesman and want fast results. I want my baby back!
I think the only advice i should give you at this point, is this:
you need to be more than a salesman.
rushing, and wanting "fast results", was the biggest trap I fell into. time and again, I made things even worse than they were, by not being patient. I made things worse, by trying to force things to move at the speed I wanted, instead of at the speed she was ok with.
Maybe think about planting a seed. You planted it because you want a nice flowering plant someday You can rant and rave all you want at the pot... but it's not going to sprout any faster for you.
Once you actually see little greet shoots pushing up through the soil, you might get very excited. "All right! Results!!!" But you STILL cant grow it any faster than it is going to grow.
if you try to over-water it.. or give it "extra sunshine".. or a whole host of other things.. you will kill it.
you are very lucky, in that you narrowly avoided being separated. Enjoy what you have. be thankful for that. Dont push too hard.
My current status: june 2006. Wife ran out and filed D. Finalized Jan 11, 2010, after 12.5 years M. 3 wonderful sons caught in the middle
I did narrowly avoided seperation so far but I am not out of the woods yet. I feel that I am going to get hit hard when the cruise is over. I am hoping for the best and staying positive.
Went out with friends tonight, had a blast but could only think of my baby. People were talking about thier family's and wifes. I almost died. They all went out after but I came home at 9PM. W seemed happy that I was home (a little).
I have a consultation call with Jody tomorrow morning at 9AM. I can't wait for she is great!
Last night I held her hand for a few moments before we went to sleep. It felt great to me but she said it felt strange after all these years of not holding hands and she did not want to send me the wrong signals. This morning I asked her what she had today and she told me a bunch of things like tennis, RE and getting ready to go away. I waited for her to ask me what I was doing. She did not ask so I asked her why she didn't and she said "you don't get it, I have not asked you in years". This is completely not true, as a matter of fact she asked me last night how my eve was and yesterday asked how work was going. I guess I will " beleive nothing I hear and half of what I see". I can't believe how much this hurts. Any thoughts?
