No hugs, just a nod of affirmation. My wife would ask me why I couldn't accept her the way she was. And she is right to question me, to feel hurt for not accepting her and for trying to change her. I want her to change. Or find some resource within her that will allow her to open up her heart or sexuality, or whatever. But that is up to her whether she does that. All I can do is ask her for what I need, and be open to whatever she is willing to give, even if that is nothing.
While I am learning to accept my wife, I have also learned to accept myself for who I am. I cannot deny my own sexual nature. I cannot deny the suffering that I have brought on myself by sleeping with someone who could not have sex with me. I can no longer pretend that I can live comfortably in a sexless marriage.
Now you know that accepting your wife, while accepting yourself, means that your marriage may not be tenable. Love is not enough. This is such a difficult thing to learn. How many years has it taken me? I think I can count the years in lost hair.
This knowledge - the acceptance of the mutual differences that you and your wife have - forces you to make decisions. I know you don't want to lay this letter on your wife now, but read your statement to yourself several times. Does it ever get any less truthful? How much more of your life can you afford to live without sharing the truth of your marriage to your wife?
I nod in affirmation.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
