Hopefully, I've finally found my forum

[ntl]

Thank you for your good wishes, ntl. It's interesting that you bring up the issue of sex addiction. When this first started, it was SA that I settled on as explanation. Not only the EMA followed quickly by another attempted affair, but also I found some porn websites on the computer after H left. I talked him into attending SA 12-step meeting, and he actually did that. I remember how pleased I was when he did that, it seemed that there might be some hope for the marriage, and I was pleased that he was responding to me.

He did undertake the 12-step program in good faith, went to meetings, had a sponsor, counseled other men there, took their calls etc. H is a very tender-hearted fellow, easy to talk to, he used to volunteer on a suicide hot-line. I think he was very popular in the SA group. But also, it became apparent to him after awhile -- and to me -- that he really wasn't SA. He didn't have the triggers, he didn't have the history. His sponsor finally told him: "You were just another married man looking for something on the side." And like many long term relationships -- as I came to find out, this has been quite an education -- ours had been SSM for the last few years. I'm really thinking that had quite a bit to do with the A.

Wow. That's a perspective I haven't read about yet! And I appreciate you sharing it with me. I often wonder about how deep his addiction/compulsion is. He is definitely on the lighter end of the spectrum compared to most of the men in his group (though he doesn't go in to specifics with me).

I have mentioned in previous threads that our sex life was practically nil since we got married. I am sure that had a large part to play. At one point, early after I found out about the affairs (specifically the one in Dec. 06), I asked him why he did it...what was he looking for? He looked at me with shame and fear in his eyes and said one of the most truthful things I think he'd said in a while: "I just wanted to get laid."

I almost had to crack a smile at that one.

Regards,

ntl