HD, I don't know if all of the words from the following song apply, but the words "A losing game" seems to be what was happing in your old R with Ms. HD.
That's a good letter Hairdog, it's good to see you have it all straight in your mind now. That was the point I got to in my M just before Christmas. I finally knew that I wasn't doing myself, my H, or my kids any good by sticking around married to an alcoholic. Things have got better since he decided to quit drinking. But the last couple of days haven't been great. It gives me the old fears again.
And that's the point you've got to too. You know that you're not really doing anybody any good staying in the M the way it is.
Keep breathing.
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
I think that you have absolutely earned your way out of your marriage by conquering your dependency issues. You get a perfect score of 100 on your exit exam/essay because you did all your homework and you didn't cheat (by finding a little friend to help you with your issues). I'm sure you will find that you will continue to be MUCH happier with your life in the future.
However, because I have great respect for you, I would like to offer an extra credit challenge. Instead of presenting MsHD with the kind letter you outlined (although I agree it's all that she deserves)why not present her with one that would be more helpful because more honest. Such as:
Quote:
Dear MsHD, I am about 101% sure I'm about 5 years overdue to leave this marriage and get me some really hot action and fun times with some women who are more attractive than you for reasons A,B and C. However, if you are willing to challenge yourself to improve in these areas within the next 6 mos. I will consider staying in the marriage and treating you to a great deal more hot,lusty and affectionate manhandling then you've ever had the good fortune to encounter. Let me know your decision by Friday.
Love,
HD
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
HD...I so hope you don't need to deliver that letter. I think I probably was very close to receiving that same letter from my H. In fact, I guess I did get it somewhat a couple of months ago. But I was lucky in that he delivered the message before we were past the point of no return (or at least I think so...we're working on it.) I need to look at your past threads...I know you were one of the people who offered support to me when I needed it. It's my sincere hope that your w will wake up, as I did. I'm thinking of you...
Me:40 (LD) H:46 (HD) T:9 M:4 1st bomb:H PA in 2002 (before M, but living together. It ended when I found out and we worked on things) 2nd bomb:ILYBNILWY, can't go on this way, 11-11-07 No kids together
No hugs, just a nod of affirmation. My wife would ask me why I couldn't accept her the way she was. And she is right to question me, to feel hurt for not accepting her and for trying to change her. I want her to change. Or find some resource within her that will allow her to open up her heart or sexuality, or whatever. But that is up to her whether she does that. All I can do is ask her for what I need, and be open to whatever she is willing to give, even if that is nothing.
While I am learning to accept my wife, I have also learned to accept myself for who I am. I cannot deny my own sexual nature. I cannot deny the suffering that I have brought on myself by sleeping with someone who could not have sex with me. I can no longer pretend that I can live comfortably in a sexless marriage.
Now you know that accepting your wife, while accepting yourself, means that your marriage may not be tenable. Love is not enough. This is such a difficult thing to learn. How many years has it taken me? I think I can count the years in lost hair.
This knowledge - the acceptance of the mutual differences that you and your wife have - forces you to make decisions. I know you don't want to lay this letter on your wife now, but read your statement to yourself several times. Does it ever get any less truthful? How much more of your life can you afford to live without sharing the truth of your marriage to your wife?
I nod in affirmation.
SM
"If we will be quiet and ready enough, we shall find compensation in every disappointment." Henry David Thoreau
That's a great letter, and I do think it helps to get everything down on paper, to both clarify your thoughts but also to begin to envision yourself in a life that doesn't include your wife next to you.
Choc: SO sorry to hear that. I was thinking about you just this morning. Specifically, I was thinking that, if I found out today that MsHdog was having an affair, there would be no way in hell that I'd even lift a finger to get her to come back. I saluted you and your strength and determination, but saw that it was path I would not take in my own situation.
Thanks to everyone for the hugs, salutes, etc. No messages or letters or emails delivered, but Burg's idea of experiencing my new relationships with myself and with my wife has been the general order of the day. He said "enjoying" the new relationships, but, right now, there's more of a "being in the moment" sensation rather than anything particularly enjoyable.
THE most important relationship and the one that has to be sorted out and clarified before anything else can happen is the R with yourself. The more you focus on yourself and how you are feeling and the less you worry about any reaction she might have until she has it, the better off you are. And it does become moment to moment instead of a constant regretting the past and fretting about the future. Whatever happens, it's better to live this way. I'm really talking to myself here...
The infidelity does certainly make everything much worse. I decided to give it one more shot due to some combination of:
1) The vows I took before God and our friends and family;
2) Not wanting to teach my kids that you "cut and run" in the face of adversity;
3) Shared history that we had had up until that point;
4) If the situation were reversed -- if I had really screwed up royally, say, with a gambling or drug addiction -- I would want her to stick by me, at least w/ conditions.
That all being said, I have come to the realization that even IF we can get past the whole affair part, what I'm staring it is 15+ years of a sexless, affectionless marriage for the most part.
