H had an affair, now wants me back,,,

[ntl]

Feeling particularly hopeless tonight. H has been away on business in Europe for Market Research (he's been checking in often and I even saw my C today). I think there may be several triggers at work here:

1. I've been reading some other message boards where spouses of sex addicts post. So many of the posts deal with spouses who have been in recovery for some time, and then relapsed into "acting out" behavior. That scares me because I wonder if that will be in my future. Certainly, based on statistics, it's a better than 50% chance that my H will relapse and may likely cheat again in the future.

2. H has now been gone since Saturday. I think that's too long for me right now. I need reassurances and to see him really working at his recovery. He's telling me that he's been listening to the Mort Fertel Marriage Fitness CD's we've saved to our iPods. He also tells me about his battles with his urges and how has been able to overcome them. But still, I feel the distance and the uncertainty creep, creep, creep...

My C agreed that I have no guarantees, but she affirmed that all the work I do right now, in learning forgiveness, in learning how to be loving when I want to be mean, in living my values, will only strengthen me and keep me sane in the future. And she reminded me that I don't have to make a decision right now and that it is okay to feel needy. She's telling me to be gentle with myself and that I don't have to be strong for both of us. Just for me...just for me.

It's a tough thing to remember when those feeling demons start ripping in though, isn't it? Sometimes, it's so easy to feel strong and powerful and affirmed (when I re-read my posts right now I wondered who that girl ntl is!!). But sometimes, oh...sometimes. That's the evil thing about these feelings--these doubts and fears.

God give me the strength...

ntl