...and this may be strong but, you need space from this woman Frank, serious space.
I agree wholeheartedly with AmyC that your wife is a serious liability to you right now. You are too caught up in HER and YOU. Once again it's the old LBS scenario. She's ready to go, she's processed it, found relative peace with it. You are caught by surprise to some extent and are forced to come to peace with it while enduring her new found "happiness." Bad scenario in my opinion.
Blessings,
Bill
Thanks Bill, and others. As much as it hurts I do need to get space from her.
Can I sleep in the same bed with her? I guess so for now. It's better to 'fake it' a little longer if it will keep pressure of the girls. But they are intuitive and likely to catch on and ask W what's up. She (and they) can use the 'Dad is stressed out / depressed / whatever' excuse for a while.
Can I interact with her? So far. She's playing the "I don't want to come into your personal space without an invitation" game. Meaning even if my office door is OPEN she stops and says 'Knock Knock!' in her cutesy voice, then says "I'm coming into your personal space". It irritates me. I told her she doesn't have to do that so she stopped.
She's back to 'acting happy' again. Why? Who knows. I could start making up reasons, 'affair happiness', 'freedom from my issues', whatever. Clearly she isn't coming back any time soon.
Was I hopeful? Sure. I said some powerful stuff to her this morning about us working together. I was hoping that maybe she would have ONE friend who might say to her "Hey, you know you really have a good man there and you should be with him picking you BOTH up". Maybe someone did and she didn't care. Doesn't matter.
Letting her go is only as hard as I make it. I'm being pleasant in my interactions while also stopping the negative thoughts of what she MIGHT be doing and what she MIGHT be thinking.
There are no more pictures of she and I on my wall. Instead there are the 'awards' and some pictures of my girls and I. This is what really defines me - my accomplishments and my babies. Not my wife.
I told one of my supportive men that I started to feel sorry for her, that the fact that she only sees the potential for happiness with OTHER men, and that she is flirting with a MARRIED man is so, so sad. The attraction of the EA is pretty strong and I don't expect it to go away soon, nor am I going to check up on it because it will only hurt me.
Wouldn't it be surprising if her 'friend' got some moral clarity and told her she should fix her marriage? Maybe we can pray for that.
I've started to forgive myself for my role in this. Like Bill and others have said, "what did she DO to help your cause?" Not much really, just be hurt along with me.
My counselor finally called me a little while ago. She asked me how I am and said to me "Probably not so good if you're talking to me now". She didn't have time to talk so we scheduled a time for next Thursday. I know she will help me find my spirit again, my strength.
We will NOT try to 'save' my wife or my marriage this time. Only me.
Do I love my wife? Yes. Does she love me? Probably.
Becca said the following about this which I believe is probably true:
- She can't just 'leave', I'm her support system and she's likely to not feel confident or safe without me or someone else to take on that role.
- She probably still loves me but believes she has no other choice but to leave. I haven't 'fixed myself', she can't, and so she sees no other choice. When I fix myself she may decide to take the chance one more time. I may decide to let her.
So, here I am. It hurts a bit but I am making my 'lists' of what I need to do, and I'm putting myself at the feet of my fellow 'old timers' on the board, asking for clarity and help.
W just came in and asked me what I wanted for dinner since she asked D17 who was 'no help'. Told her spaghetti and she cheerfully went off to the store to get the ingredients. We're all happy here.
