The belly dancing does sound like good fun, and I've heard very therapeutic too. Let us know how you get on when you go. Have a good day today- I am guessing it's tomorrow for you now!!
L.xx
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
The belly dancing starts in early Feb, I hope it will be fun... I hope its light-hearted, not too serious with scarves and stuff! I will let you know how it goes!
Just saw H. H is a builder and is good friends with the next door neighbours... he is doing some work on an extension for them. He is working there on and off, and he also visits them on the weekend. Its absolute torture to see his ute parked at the neighbours and know he is so close but doesnt come to see me.... The only positive about him being in contact with the neighbours is that have confided that he is moody and grumpy (so unlike him he used to be the definition of laid back & easy going).
I had a funny feeling that there might be some sort of contact today (probably because I'm having a bad hair and face day - how typical!).... and then his ute is at the next door neighbours. I walked down the driveway to pull in my rubbish bin, and he drove out. I waved and smiled and he waved back but I didnt actually make eye contact with him.... So stupid, its such brief contact (it hardly even counts) but leaves my heart thumping. I wish I hadn't seen him. I still love him but then I remember that the lovely person I married has been swallowed by this alien that I dont know and who is so selfish. I HATE THIS!!!!
My problem is that I'm impatient and like to feel like I have control. I'm trying to tell myself "I dont like it, but I accept that we are separated, our relationship is in the poo, and that my lovely husband does not exist at this moment".
Tonight I totally did a backslide on my "going dark / no contact" thing and I texted H! (I'm so dumb - I really need to start taking my own advice - I literally felt sick after I pressed send, but it was too late) Ha Ha!
Anyway maybe the backsilde wasn't so bad, because H replied immediately to say that work was good and busy - but get this - he is really excited because he has bought a remote control car that he is putting together!! H you are 33 not 13 (or even 23 for that matter!!) I guess I should be glad that this might only be a quarter-life crisis so he is not actually able to afford to buy a sports car, he can only buy the remote control version. Ha Ha its so funny!
I am glad that he is doing something that makes him happy.
I just would really really love to be in a relationship with someone who wants to have fun but still be mature and responsible! I can only imagine what it would be like to be in a relationship with someone where I would only have to be the wife. Instead of being the wife and the mother and the father, and sometimes even the husband!!!
Sounds like the backslide was not a bad backslide at all- H replied immediately, so that it really positive. I sometimes think that the WAS/MLCer gets bogged down in guilty feelings that make interaction harder for them to initiate. My H definitely is a guilt harbourer, so your text might have opened a small avenue to increase contact from now on. All good! Was that the end of the interaction, or did he move things along at all?
And the car thing is so funny!
OD
Walk on, walk on, with hope in your heart. And you'll never walk alone.
I woke up in the best mood today. I find the whole remote control car thing so funny.... do I really want to be with someone that is really excited about remote control cars?!? I miss HIM so much, but that puts it into better perspective for me! Maybe we do really want totally different things in life?
I dont know what to do about the contact thing. It did seem like me contacting him produced a good result. And it might be building a little bridge to show him that unlike previous behaviour I am actually normal and happy! (I feel like the last year I was slightly hysterical most of the time!! Ha Ha - its funny now, but at the time it was crazy how wildly my emotions were swinging).
We texted a little bit last night (me pretending to be enthusiastic and interested in the remote control car! Ha!). He asked how I was, how my job was, and what had I done on the weekend (YAY - he noticed I wasnt home on the weekend!!). So he is definitely curious. I did not answer any of his questions - just concentrated on the car. Do you think that was the right thing to do?
My biggest fear is that it would be easy for me to initiate contact, and probably even convince him to come home and have another go at the marriage. But that is what I always do - fix everything up for him, so that he doesnt have to be responsible. To do a real 180 I have to let go of the control and let him decide if he wants to be married to me, and if he does, that he would do something about it from his own motivation.
Will wait to see what happens now.....
From today I will wait another 30 days before I initiate any more contact I think.
Essie, I'm trying to tell myself "I dont like it, but I accept that we are separated, our relationship is in the poo, and that my lovely husband does not exist at this moment".
You made me laugh so hard!! This is so good..... I can practice telling myself the same thing!
One thing to remember is that every situation is different. Sometimes on the boards we get hung up in the rules. The only real rule is:
MORE OF WHAT WORKS, LESS OF WHAT DOESN'T
So if contacting your H works... then do it more!! Contact without pursuit. Contact without pressure. But of course this is all up to you. You know what is right!
I myself am Pitch Black Dark right now and have been for wow, 2 1/2 months now. I have this whole timeline in my head worked out of how we'll get back together. But I have to be ready to adjust everything... because like you said, I am not in control!
You are doing such a good job -- I am inspired by you!
I have to say, that sadly, there is a new batch of people on the boards. However, this new batch of people, really have their heads on straight, and what wonderful support you all are offering each other. You guys are really doing well, and keeping your heads up.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
One thing to remember is that every situation is different. Sometimes on the boards we get hung up in the rules. The only real rule is:
MORE OF WHAT WORKS, LESS OF WHAT DOESN'T
That's perfect for me!
I've realised that I wasnt very good at actually hearing what H was telling me. He told me over and over and over that he didnt know what to do and that he was confused. But I just thought he does know what to do, he just doesnt want to make a decision and take responsibility. So I forced him into saying that he wanted to leave, when actually he was trying to tell me that he didnt know what to do.
So I'm tying to "seek first to understand, and then seek to be understood". It worked today with a staff member that I have been trying to motivate to do a better job for months. Today I just stopped and listened and heard that he didnt feel like he was appreciated for what he was already doing and so he definitely wasnt going to do what I was asking with any enthusiasm. All he needed was some encouragement (instead of some ass-kicking which was my natural inclination)
H is so silly not to be with me, I'm actually pretty great!
