State of Mind

[ntl]

I think forgiveness and letting go is so hard b/c it makes us feel vulnerable - if we let go, we allow ourselves to be open to being hurt again. By holding on to our hurts, we try to use them as a shield to protect us from further hurt. I have a brother who lives his life this way. He is an angry man and I fear he will never change. And now, I fear that I myself am falling into this pattern. To forgive and to let go takes bravery, something I have difficulty finding in myself.

AAAACK! That so sounds like me. I feel like I need to hold on to the anger and hurt so I can remind myself not to be be vulnerable. The second I let my guard down, I am open to all the pain that another affair would bring.

And then I try to think, "what's the worst that can happen if he is still cheating on me?" I suppose if that were to happen, and I fear that right now, I would have to walk away and close the book on my M and admit that I had failed. Perhaps that is my greatest fear, that that which I wanted most in life is something I was unable to achieve..

Again...so agree. I am afraid, too, that if he cheated again, that I would just keep taking him back and that I would never move on. I am afraid that the reason I am staying now is because I am unable to be alone. I've been around and around about this in my head. I think I'm not dependent on him and I think I could do it alone...but the idea of life without him is unthinkable. But the idea of him continuing to devalue and disrepect me is also unthinkable.

I suppose I need to do more GAL-ing. You inspire me to get to that place where it doesn't really matter, where you know why you are doing what you are doing and you have made peace with what has happened. You sound very strong and very brave to me.

Same here. It seems the only time I felt at all peaceful was when I was GALing in earnest. When I was really, truly committed to taking care of me. And strangely, when I began GAL, he began looking at me in a whole new light. As if I was the girl he'd always loved and wanted. But I know now that it can't be faked. I truly have to be GALing and be doing it for real. I've tried pretending it...and it just doesn't work.

Regards,

ntl

[whatisis]

I guess forgiveness doesn't mean one has to be stupid, does it? I often look at this question myself. Does forgiveness mean I should go to the cottage next summer with W and the kids? Does it mean just dismissing all the hurt that has been laid on me for years and walking around with a smile pasted on my face? What makes sense to me though is the idea that forgiveness is as much for yourself as for the other party. A life lived in bitterness is a wasted life. Where one goes with that thought is beyond me right now but I thought I'd toss it out anyway!

[fooled again]

Or maybe forgiveness is simply the act of letting go of the hurt and allowing ourselves to move past it while continuing to live. To take the lesson we have learned and use that knowledge, instead of being paralyzed by the fear that it will happen again. Not to be stupid, no, nor turn a blind eye, but instead to trust ourselves, knowing that we have already faced a terrible thing and survived. We try to teach our children to learn from their experiences - why then do our own often experiences make us want to hide.

Bitterness, resentment, anger, these are all extremely heavy burdens to carry. If we can find a way to forgive, maybe we can just lay down that burden and cherish what we do have.

Sometimes I look around at other couples in their mediocre Rs and wonder if there is a bomb in there waiting to drop. Or maybe the bomb will never drop and they will simply continue to go on as they are, never realizing how much more there could be to their Rs. Maybe we are the "lucky" ones in that we all really know how great our Ms could be and we have this wonderful goal to strive for. All they have is what they think they know, the same thing, day in, day out. I don't know what is better: to never really live and never really hurt, existing in a state of numb indifference, taking each other for granted; or to experience the highs and lows of what we are going through - at least we know we are alive, we know what we want, we are striving to make ourselves better people and to, hopefully, make our marriages better in the process.

If you saw The Matrix (the original), you may see the parallel here - which pill would you choose?

FA

[believing_isaiah43]

Damn straight, FA. Excellent post, and a topic I've thought about MANY times. wow.
Would love to quote you anonymously on my blog, it is SO perfect. Let me know if that's okay.

[whatisis]

You know, it's funny, the world seems to always want to encourage bitterness between my W and I. The fact that we are separated and still do things together, for example family outings, often gets a response like "you two are crazy" or just the rolling of eyes which says the same thing. Just last week W was was ill and I was picking up the kids at her place. I chose to drop by and pick up some Chinese Congee (a rice porridge) for her because she likes that when she's ill and it takes a while to make herself. A friend said "you've got to stop doing things like that" and it left me wondering "why"? It's not like I do these things endlessly but it's still a small way to show consideration and caring for someone. Why is it that I'm not supposed to care, I must be BITTER! The world just sees it that way. I saw what I did as showing some forgiveness, deserved or not. This week W brought over a quiche that she baked for me (and I know, Asians must always must return a favour)and that was a nice thing for her to do. To forgive we have to start somewhere.

[fooled again]

Damn straight, FA. Excellent post, and a topic I've thought about MANY times. wow.
Would love to quote you anonymously on my blog, it is SO perfect. Let me know if that's okay.

It's totally okay - in fact I'm flattered anyone would think so highly of something I've said or written. Thanks. I'd appreciate if you could give me the link to your blog if you do.

FA

[fooled again]

You know, whatisis, I get the same thing. I had one friend who would get pissed off at me b/c I was not being mean, vengeful or inconsiderate to my H. She insisted that my ONLY course of action should be to push my H completely out of my life, have nothing at all to do with him, not talk to him, not see him, and she encouraged me to go out and find someone else right away. I even had an IC who suggested the very same thing.

And I guess since we live in such a 'disposable' society, for many people the attitude is "if it's broken, throw it out", whether it's a blender or a marriage. It's a really sad world we live in, but it makes me proud to know that there are many, many of us out there who think differently. And you know, I have learned more about myself from this process of DBing than I ever could have had my M continued along w/out any problems. I wish that I could have come by this knowledge without the pain I've had to endure, but I am becoming a much stronger, more self aware, more confident person in the process - hopefully a better mom too.

Here's another great quote, this one's from Marcel Proust:
"We don't receive wisdom; we must discover it for ourselves after a journey that no one can take for us or spare us."

FA

[BeingMe]

I have to agree with both of you, Wii and FA! I don't see any problem with a little kindness, while still maintaining boundaries. Forgiveness is more for the wronged person ... helps us move on past the bitterness and anger. I see little point in holding a grudge, or constantly throwing someone's past wrongs (or even the present ones) into their faces. And, this is something I learned during this recent journey. I have a family who loves to hold grudges ... my older sister can remember stuff I did when I was a kid, that she still feels so hurt by (and it was usually reactionary stuff, where I just reacted to something she said or did without thinking ... the young do that sometimes). Just such a downer. How can one, anyway, truly cut yourself off from someone who is the parent of your children, and who you vowed to love? We do not have to mirror their behaviour, and maybe by being kind, and making changes within ourselves, they will find it in their hearts to do the same.

Love the quote, FA .... so true! Here's another:

Reinhold Niebuhr wrote:

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone.
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.

[fooled again]

BeingMe,

Wow, that's a great quote! I had to read it several times to take it all in.

How can one, anyway, truly cut yourself off from someone who is the parent of your children, and who you vowed to love?

This is one of the things that gives me the strength to keep doing what I am doing, that no matter what happens in my M. My H and I will be connected for the rest of our lives by our D and we will always have a R with each other. It is up to both of us to determine what that R will look like, and I can determine 50% of that. I suppose it is something that gives me hope too. If we are forever connected, there is always the opportunity to try again at some point in the future.

I have come to conclude that whatever is going on w/ my H (and I don't know what is really going on), I will not kill myself by continuing to "swim upstream", speculating, obsessing, questioning. If OW is still in the picture or not, he has to do what he has to do to work out his issues. I'll bide my time and do my thing and let him see that I can survive on my own.

I think maybe I've reached that point of forgiveness, of freeing myself from the pain. I'm tired of feeling hurt and betrayed. I'm tired of carrying that burden around and letting it take centre stage in my life. I am turning 43 tomorrow and it's time for a new chapter in my life.

I'm encouraged by you, Ediemarie - you seem to have such a good outlook, and despite your H's lukewarm attitude regarding your M, it looks to me like you are living your life day by day, and really, that's the only way we can live.

FA

[believing_isaiah43]

Yo, FA:

http://instepford.blogspot.com/2008/01/which-pill.html