Starting to get it.... my 3rd thread

[ann25]

Hi blindsided... you crazy girl you...

toys are fine for me. I have them. As often as i used to like to have sex and as seldom (in my POV) as i was getting it, i certainly wasn't sitting back twiddling my thumbs waitin on him.

in our Sitch, H feels like he should be able to do it. And really, honestly, i don't mind. I have always enjoyed sex, with or without the O. O is great, don't get me wrong, but it doesn't make me less inclined to want sex cause it's not happening. I know for some women that's an issue, for me, it's just not. H can't seem to wrap his head around that.

I could try bringing it up to him again. Tell him we could think of it as a way to reconnect and try something new together... Nothing like a feild trip to the sex shop. maybe he'll be more open to it now. I haven't asked him about that in a long time.

[ann25]

Hi Chris,

Thanks for the nice tip: give your spouse a chance to miss you. As I reflected on that statement, I remember that some of the best progress in my M and DB efforts has been after some period of being apart. I often think that my W just takes me for granted and I am just the cash-cow that pays the bills and finances her lifestyle. The more I try to talk to her, the less inclinded she is to listen.

It's funny, how something hits you. For me, as the S that said ILYBNILWY, i just feel like there is some emotional connection that I am missing. In the last 2 years... that's the first time i remember really feeling like I missed H. That I wished he could be home instead of out overnight. It's not the first time he's been gone, but the first time it really hit me that there is still a little something there.

For a WAS that says ILYBNILWY, i think it's important that they see exactly what they are missing out on by leaving. If the LBS is always there for them and always checking on them, they won't see that it's hard to make it without them.

It is a strange sitch, as usually the W wants to talk and H does not want to listen. However, as her A continues, I become more disengaged, albeit angry and resentful. I know the last two are negative feelings. I do hope to shake out of these feelings sooner than later as they are toxic.

Negative feelings yes, but at least you see them and can acknowlege them as that. You'll get past those. We all have our days.

thanks ann

[ann25]

Another day, another issue.... hehe

H naps during the day a lot of times. I guess he was really tired yesterday and napped a couple times. He always has and remembers his dreams. They've gone from me cheating on him to (yesterday) me leaving him because I didn't like him anymore and me being happy with someone else and multiple variations of that. So i get home yesterday and he's grumpy and short tempered. Sorry, but what he dreams and how he lets it effect him is soooo not my fault. He didn't actually tell me that his mood was a result of these dreams until we were in bed, so i didn't have a clue...

D3 wasn't listening well (no nap) and had a rough night, so he snapped at her. Then he snapped at me for giving her dessert. Helloooo, she ate her dinner well and that's the deal. Eat well and get dessert. We can't change the rules cause he's grumpy.

Anyways. we are laying in bed watching LA Ink. I'm a big art fan in any form and H just recently got his first tattoo, so it's something we both like. We are messing around. There was a porn star on it. I made a joke about how she basically has sex for money. He said sounds good he's got a couple bucks in the top drawer. I told him i'm worth more... blah blah blah... this was all in joking. I pretended to pout.

Later H asked me about getting a tattoo w/ his name on it. We've been over this about a thousand times. I don't want any names tattooed all over me. He said sarcastically "what cause you don't love me enough" i said no. That it doesn't matter, no ones name. He asked about the girls, i said no, doesn't matter. (he's been trying to talk me into getting one for a while, something small, but i'm still not sure i want that on me forever. He was pouting, so i leaned over him and made a joke with him and he laughed, but never rolled over...

He was really bent out of shape that i wouldn't do it. He said he'd never ask me too, but the fact that i wouldn't said alot. I tried to explain to him that i'm not even sure i want a tattoo, much less a bunch of names on my body. That if it was something that was really important to him and he really wanted me to do it, that i would, but I appreciate that he wouldn't ask me to do that.

Made for a very tense night after that. both kinda minded our own business. I was going to try with him last night, but his mood killed any chance of that. I don't know... maybe i'm whining. Does it sound so crazy that i don't want a name tattoo? it's not like he's going out and getting my name tattooed on him (not that it would make any difference).

[SameButDifferent]

Ann,

First, thank you again for the feedback in my thread. It's helpful to know someone's keeping an eye on you!

FWIW, W and I have talked about tattoos as well, but in general we pretty much agree on the name thing. The only exception I can even consider making is the nephew I lost a couple of years ago to a genetic disease. He loved balloons, and I've occasionally considered that a small balloon with his name in it might be appropriate. Then I realize that we (the whole family) have so many other ways to remember him that we're more likely to share...

Considering all the changes from the weekend, the dreams seem like a pretty minor speed bump. As you said, you can't control his dreams or how he reacts to them, nor should you be held responsible for them. Has he heard that message at a time when he WASN'T already too bent from the content of the dreams to hear your feelings?

I guess the same question arises about the tattoos. If you've never considered names, then not considering HIS name doesn't 'say a lot' - it just reflects consistency. If, however, he hasn't heard this message often, OR hasn't heard it except when he brings up the idea, then your response is likely colored by his emotion.

Is there an opportunity to discuss either outside of when he gets on the topic himself?

You're a smart one Ann, so you've probably already thought of this, but I wanted to put it out there just in case!

[blindsided1]

It's bad luck to have your lover or your spouse tattooed on you. So, next time tell him that.

[SameButDifferent]

Off the wall, and only half-serious, thought about tattoos:

I might consider a picture/symbol/image that reflects my love for W if I could find one that (in the event something happened to US) either...

- Would remind me of a happy EVENT or PLACE.
- Could be changed into something otherwise meaningful to me.

I was just wondering if (once baby comes, obviously) there's an option out there that would satisfy him without sacrificing your ideals. Certainly would be along the lines of doing something different, eh?

[Dom R]

Later H asked me about getting a tattoo w/ his name on it.

...

He was really bent out of shape that i wouldn't do it. He said he'd never ask me too, but the fact that i wouldn't said alot.

that's being two-faced, on his part. He basically did "ask" you, just in a gutless manner.
I'd say, call him on it.

Does it sound so crazy that i don't want a name tattoo?

he has no right to even ask you, let alone expect it.
he's done both. confront him about it.

[craig54]

ann, sorry to say it but your husband needs to grow up.his insecurity is pitiful.

[ann25]

Ok... well i feel better and a little less crazy, thank you all.

Let's see if i can do this all on one post

SBD - His dreams aren't any kind of issue for me. I have dreams all the time. Sometimes we are together, sometimes I'm with someone else or he is, sometimes i have purple hair and am falling through space... they are just dreams... not a big deal. What happens is that it makes him think about stuff. About how he says i deserve better (hasn't said it in a while, but it's obviously still there) and how someone else might sweep me off my feet. I can't control this, it just sucks that he takes it out on everyone. FWIW, he sent me an email just a bit ago apologizing for his attitude yesterday and said he'd tell the girls he's sorry later. I appreciated that and told him. I also told him that everyone's entitled to a few bad days and that I hope he knows that he can talk to me when he needs to about anything.

The first tattoo conversation came up when my sister got her first one a few years ago. We were talking about it. H said he'd like one eventually and I said i might at one point, maybe something simple like a flower or something. When his dad got his 4th Ws name tattooed on his arm wsa the first time i told him that i'd never do that. We were both in agreement at that point. It's come up a few times since then and I've always had the same reaction to it whether we are talking about me or someone else, that I'd never do it.

Funny what you said about a picture or something to make you think of W. That's actually what sparked the conversation. A guy on the show was getting a whole bunch of flowers done, one for each of the women that played a role in his life: mother, girlfriend, aunt, grandmother, etc. I told H that i thought that was sweet and a much better way than the names specifically... I would do something like that if i decide to get one.

Blindsided - i don't know one way or another about luck, but I don't think its a good choice for me. I just don't like the idea.

Dom - Thank you. I felt like i was put in this place where saying anything was wrong. No matter the reason for not wanting it, it would come down to my not loving him enough. That's exactly what he was doing. I don't know that I'll bring it up because part of it probably came from his mood, but i know for sure that next time I will.

Craig - thanks. I agree that he has some growing that needs to be done. He has always has insecurities, but they have just been magnified by EA. It's something I'm learning to accept and deal with until he's ready for that growing. Can't change him, just my reaction to him!
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H also has an issue with not wanting to put the family window stickers on my truck. I don't want stickers on my car... is that so wrong? nope... hehe. He wouldn't put them on his.

[Dom R]

Dom - Thank you. I felt like i was put in this place where saying anything was wrong. No matter the reason for not wanting it, it would come down to my not loving him enough. That's exactly what he was doing. I don't know that I'll bring it up because part of it probably came from his mood, but i know for sure that next time I will.

More ammo for you:

If he ever dares to bring it up again, or even get snippy at you about it, try this:

"Honey, I would be happy to do that. I just feel a little, teeny tiny shadow of doubt in my mind. so i'd like you to 'prove' that you love me first.
By getting a tattoo of my name... on your penis.
Oh.. and it needs to match nicely with the "prince albert" piercing that I'd really like you to get.

That's not a problem, is it? After all, you Really Love Me, dont you?"




No-one has the right to demand or expect that another person mutilate their body for them.
Tattooing, is permenant scarring/mutilation of the body.
If someone chooses to do it to themselves, that's their choice. It shouldnt be something to demand of someone else, though