Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[fooled again]

Hi Mike,

Hope your first day back at work was good. It's good to keep busy, especially when your mind keeps running over the same things over and over and you can't do anything about them. Yes, busy is definitely good. My new job starts on the 28th and I'm looking forward to the change and a new challenge. I'm turning 43 tomorrow, so a new year for me, a new dog and a new job and, hopefully a new M w/ my H!! If anyone had told me I'd be in this situation at this age, I would have laughed. I'm not laughing. But I'm hopeful.

My H has been very, very distracted and depressed about not finding work. Yesterday he found out AGAIN that he did not get a job he had interviewed for. If I'm not mistaken, I think he's gotten every job he's ever interviewed for. I know this is a huge, huge problem for him, as it would be for any man (woman too, but I think men more so define themselves by the work they do - don't mean to offend anyone). So I'm trying to stay away from any and all R talk. He doesn't need the pressure and I don't want to go there and have him tell me something I don't want to hear. I'm also trying to keep that in mind when I'm thinking about his behavior. He's been playing sports & hanging w/ his guy friends alot, but he calls me most days at least once & sometimes he comes to the house & had supper w/ us. I still get daily ILYs on the phone and hugs and kisses when I see him, but he is very subdued and quiet. I'm biting my tongue alot to keep from talking about R.

Today I reminded myself that right now for H, finding a job is the #1 concern. I'm trying to push thoughts of OW out of my mind and just concentrate on being patient regarding our R. There has been so much damage done over the past two years and there are so many factors to sort through, for both of us, that I know it is absolutely imperative that I be patient w/ myself & w/ H. I know what you mean about dating, & not letting your W move back right away. I guess that's the way I have to think about what we are doing right now. It's hard when you are married to someone and have shared so much together - there are so many expectations - but I guess that's the way it has to be for now. I'm hoping that once he finds a job and starts feeling better about himself, he can start thinking about the future again & will start talking about it w/ me. Until then, I have to take it day by day, stand by him and show him that even though he feels he is a complete failure, I still love him and believe that this is only temporary. I know I can't do anything to help him get through this except that.

And I'm trying to continue to concentrate on myself. I need to be positive & strong to keep H's depression from dragging me down w/ him. Maybe he'll see me as a buoy he can hang onto if he needs to, though I know that's not what he wants - he's supposed to be the one taking care of his family & that's why he feels like such a failure, on top of what he did to me by having an A.

Such a messy, messy sitch. Plus there's the money thing, or lack of, which I am trying really hard not to stress about. THIS is a HUGE, HUGE, HUGE 180 for me. I ALWAYS complained about money, his spending, our debts, I used to get totally stressed about it, couldn't sleep, talking to him about my worries over & over, making him feel that no matter how hard he worked, it wasn't enough. This is something he told me was a big problem in our M. Now I don't even bring it up, except matter of factly to tell him about things I will do to address urgent financial issues that are starting to come up. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I'm now the one bringing in money & b/f as a SAHM, I was totally dependent on H financially.

So, things aren't great, but they're not terrible. I know I could easily work myself up into a lather (as I am prone to do, and will probably do again), worrying about things that I don't know, speculating about OW being in the picture making him feel better about himself like she did during the A, that his depression and quietness are from his guilt about still seeing OW, and on, and on, and on. But I think my logical mind is starting to figure that OW probably wouldn't be hanging around someone who has no job, no prospects, no money to spend on her like he used to - in short, the fantasy world of their A has been blown apart, and I doubt their R wold be strong enough to survive his current state of mind. I could be wrong about that, of course, and if I am, what can I do except continue what I'm doing.

I guess I'm feeling more balanced today. Wonder how I'll feel tomorrow, on my Birthday?

FA