Wow Hdog that is powerful. It definitely comes across as honest and sincere. I still hope there is some way it doesn't have to come down to that for you but I agree that if it does, you need to be able to give that letter in complete sincerity, with no expectations from her and with acceptance that it is the end of your marriage.
However I hope that IF, by some chance, the end of the marriage does get through to her how important your issues are, you can be open to trying. I wouldn't expect it by any means but you never know.
That despite what she might say, her behavior is the clearest message of this aversion. Her unwillingness to lend any validity to this need of mine, and, to the contrary, her consistent scorn of it, provides support for my acceptance of her as the person who she is now, and has been before.
This is key IMO. I don't think you seem particularly scornful of her aversion to sex. Which is good because it's hard to say what causes that in a person however I think it's also understandable that you would want you and her to work through those issues as a couple. And her unwillingness to see your needs as valid made that impossible which is truly sad.
Good luck with everything and keep the great attitude. I am sorry that it has come to this for you and your family.
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
Well, don't go overstating it. I WILL be ready...I can see the stage...I just need to walk up there calmly, confidently, etc.
Originally Posted By: fearless
However I hope that IF, by some chance, the end of the marriage does get through to her how important your issues are, you can be open to trying.
I agree that this is highly unlikely, but yes, I would be open to trying. Understand, however, it will be a "trial", in the "trying" sense of the word. No room for complacency or going back to the status quo.
ha ha Karen.... no. But it was intended for MsHdog. It was a reference to "Rumpole of the Bailey" and it read, "She Who Must Be Obeyed." It was from Maryland, which makes me suspect Balto.
Hey, Karen is from Maryland too!
As to the rest of your post, I'm sorry that it has come to this but this has the sound of authenticity to it.
Gone the carvings and those who left their mark. Gone the kings and queens, now only the rats hold sway.
You've driven a stake in the ground. Your old relationship with yourself is dead. Your old relationship with your wife is dead.
Your new relationship with yourself is still unfolding. A new relationship with your wife will almost undoubtedly unfold as well. Whether or not that new relationship is capable of supporting a marriage has yet to be determined. You've written the letter; don't deliver the message until you're ready. Enjoy your new relationships in the meantime.
Stop WaitingFeel EverythingLove AchinglyGive ImpeccablyLet Go
You've driven a stake in the ground. Your old relationship with yourself is dead. Your old relationship with your wife is dead.
Thanks for the vampiric references. Actually, I was trying to remember yet another Buddhist story, something about receiving a gift, and imagining it already lost. Or maybe it was about a father and son working in a field and the son was struck by lightning and killed, and the father didn't grieve because we're all going to die someday...or maybe I'm confused. Anyway, the point is that all things change, all living things die, nothing is static, so don't develop attachments to the way things are now. Perhaps one of the ways that helps me do that is to think, as you said it, that the old relationship is dead and a new one is unfolding.
Quote:
You've written the letter; don't deliver the message until you're ready.
Well, If I'd have seen that t-shirt I might have sent it OR I might have bought one for myself to wear with my leather chaps and cat o' nine tails and finally, once and for all solve my SSM problem too.
I think that your personal counseling and your own hard work has brought you far along the path. Where the path goes from here is anyone's guess but at least it isn't leading futher down the road of more of the same. I don't know what Mrs. HD will do if you share some of these thoughts (she has surprised everyone before) but I think getting them on paper is the first step of things unfolding in a way that will surprise her for a change. She might be shocked to find that she has more invested in this M than she thinks while you finally see clearly the magic beans that are in your hand. Oh Hairy, the best to you and her too. The next steps that you take could get pretty interesting.
Hairdog, I know your is smart and all, but to me, she's a real dummy. I have this fantasy where Lil and I invite her to a book group discussion, then take turns for berating her for being so short sighted.
You've put a lot of effort into that letter and I hope your W is willing to see what a special man she would be losing. I know you said you will have no expectations when you give that to her. But I know these R/M "bombs" have a way of working out in the end. I hope it does for you.
As Burg said, this is the essence of what is happening
Quote:
Your new relationship with yourself is still unfolding. A new relationship with your wife will almost undoubtedly unfold as well. Whether or not that new relationship is capable of supporting a marriage has yet to be determined.
Just getting this position clean, clear, straight in your own mind will have repercussions in the outside world. Don't know what those will be, but things are now different and they cannot go back to the way they were. She may surprise you and she may not. But now YOU know where YOU stand, and that's a subtle shift that is already causing ripples in The Force. I can feel it over here.
I'm not going to hug you this time... instead here's a firm handshake and a kiss on each cheek (possibly followed by a snappy salute).
ETA: Re what Journey said, I wouldn't try to change mrs. hd's mind. You've already spent years doing that. I don't think she's worthy of you. When I joined this BB in September 2004, you were getting ready to move to the basement. Have things substantially improved since then? YOU have improved in self-knowledge clarity, but has the R improved? Sorry, but I don't think so. It's like my sitch: in accepting the circumstances, you have to accept the fact that it isn't working. Your realization of that may or may not evoke a gigantic change in her. But if she's true to form... [sigh]
