Well this is my first post to DB forum. I am a 48 year old man who has been married to the same wonderful women for 20 years. We have 3 great boys 12, 16 and 18 a wonderful home outside of New York City and until 2 months ago a pretty dam good life. Don't get me wrong my marrage has not been great for about five years. My wife has a horrible way of getting her message across (delivered) and a while ago it really shut me down both sexualy and mentally. We had a great deal of difficulty communicating because of the way we delivered messages. We both work very hard and are all set financialy. A friend introduced me to DB about a week ago and I had my first consultation with Jody last Thursday. (she is awsome).
Well, to make a long story short just before x-mas I got the letter from the lawyer saying W wanted to dissolve the marrage due to irreconsilable differences. This turned my whole world upside down and i have made a dramatic change where the only thing that matters is fixing this and keeping my family together. I came on much to strong and smothered my bride which she did not appreciate much at all. I guess she just thought i was going to walk away. I never relized before this letter how much I truely love her and how important she is to me and the boys. I have done a complete turn about and started begging, crying and pleading with her not to do this. I have never cried in my life but now I cry most of the day. (All of the above DB tells you not to do). I did convince W not to go through with the D filing and to go to therapy with me which we have been doing. She is saying she loves me and is very concerned for me but has lost the feeling and does not know if she can get it back.
My W has had a very difficult year, she lost a best friend to cancer, had to move her dieing mother from her home in Maine to NJ by us into a nursing home, had problems with our 18 yr old and then me on top of that. I guess she thinks if she gets rid of me it will be one less problem.
After explaining my situation in my first consultation w Jody she said I have a very typical Walk Away Wife stuck in a MLC.
W has had a emotional freindship with a guy in her industry who she says is just guiding her through her difficulties. I spoke with him and he assured me nothing is going on just a freindship. They have met several times in bars with mutual freinds but I don't think anything is going on. He told me he advised her to do whatever was best for the family.
I am having great difficulties following Jody's advice such as 1) no relationship talk 2)don't tell her you love her 3)No Physical contact 4)Ask for nothing, pleading, crying 5) Patients is the hardest part for I am a very high pressure salesman in the software industry.
I believe that she is confused and stuck in the MLC walk away wife tunnel but I want her back so bad I can think of nothing else. I am hurting so bad where up until 2 months ago I was the happiest guy on earth.
We both are sleepin the same bed every night but there is little or no contact which is killing me. When she does kiss or hugg me it is quickly followed by "don't take that the wrong way" which makes me go to the boys room and cry very hard. She keeps saying that she does not have "that feeling yet" and when I ask her to make love she says "I am not there yet."
I am optpmistic for three reasons. We both live in the same house and have been getting along much better after following DB advise as best I can, she has been going to therapy with me and she has only spent one hour on the phone with her lawyer to get that first letter out and that's it. She does keep telling the therapist that she wants a physical seperation but i am not leaving the house for i could never leave my boys, I love them so much.
Next week she leaves on a cruise with 40 family members for 12 days ( I was invited but declined back in July for i don't like cruises and didn't want to spend 12 straight days with anyone).
I am hurting really, really bad and would appriciate any help anyone can offer. I love her so much. BTW: I got smart and got myself some Lexapro antidepressnets which have not kicked in yet.
I'm sorry you've had to join us here. We've all been there, we all know the constant crying, the feelings of desperation, the desires to fix it NOW. You've come to the right place my friend.
There are some good things here still. Finding positive things to focus on will help you cope. Getting a positive attitude will help both of you cope. So some positives I see; 1) You are still living in the same house. 2) She backed off the divorce process. 3) There is some physical contact, specifically kissing. 4) You've recognized you need to do some work.
So it's time to focus on you and rebuilding you. If you haven't, go and purchase Divorce Remedy today and start to read it. Do not share it with her in any way. Next find some ways to give her space. The last thing she needs is pressure, hence the push for physical separation. What she's probably really asking for is space so she feels emotionally safe.
So get to reading as soon as you can. You'll end up needing to read the book a couple of times and then refresher reads on certain subjects from time to time. Once you've read the book you'll want to start to do some introspection to really see where BT can be an even greater BT.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Catfan, thx for the heartfelt note. you are exactly right she keeps asking for space and feels that I control her all the time. "I feel trapped". I heard this for the first time about a month ago. I can not see this. she does whatever she dam well feels like. I am on page 200 of DR but am wondering why you say " Do not share it with her in any way." I told her I was talking to Jody at DB and shared some of the info. Alot of this book and DB is exactly what we are going thru. The biggest problem I have right now is her saying she doesn't have the feeling anymore and whether she will get it back. The book says that you just don't love someone one day and don't have the feeling the next so I am hoping she is just trying to protect herself and she really does still have the feeling. I am going to miss her so much when she is away for 12 days on the cruise. I don't know how I am going to do it yet I will have a great time with my three wonderful boys that I love so very much. I have a lot of work to do but first I need to go cry a little. Thank you again.
Catfan, thx for the heartfelt note. you are exactly right she keeps asking for space and feels that I control her all the time. "I feel trapped". I heard this for the first time about a month ago. I can not see this. she does whatever she dam well feels like. I am on page 200 of DR but am wondering why you say " Do not share it with her in any way." I told her I was talking to Jody at DB and shared some of the info. Alot of this book and DB is exactly what we are going thru. The biggest problem I have right now is her saying she doesn't have the feeling anymore and whether she will get it back. The book says that you just don't love someone one day and don't have the feeling the next so I am hoping she is just trying to protect herself and she really does still have the feeling. I am going to miss her so much when she is away for 12 days on the cruise. I don't know how I am going to do it yet I will have a great time with my three wonderful boys that I love so very much. I have a lot of work to do but first I need to go cry a little. Thank you again.
Catfan, thx for the heartfelt note. you are exactly right she keeps asking for space and feels that I control her all the time. "I feel trapped". I heard this for the first time about a month ago. I can not see this. she does whatever she dam well feels like. I am on page 200 of DR but am wondering why you say " Do not share it with her in any way." I told her I was talking to Jody at DB and shared some of the info. Alot of this book and DB is exactly what we are going thru. The biggest problem I have right now is her saying she doesn't have the feeling anymore and whether she will get it back. The book says that you just don't love someone one day and don't have the feeling the next so I am hoping she is just trying to protect herself and she really does still have the feeling. I am going to miss her so much when she is away for 12 days on the cruise. I don't know how I am going to do it yet I will have a great time with my three wonderful boys that I love so very much. I have a lot of work to do but first I need to go cry a little. Thank you again.
She may do "whatever she dam well feels like" but that doesn't mean she FEELS like she has the space and the freedom she thinks she should have. She feels trapped by everything including her own feelings, responsibilities, the family, everything. So that's why she needs space. Breathing room if you will. Enough so she can look at everything with some level of objectivity.
The reason you don't want to share it with her is because it'll come across to her as controlling, specifically you trying to control her. Also it comes across as pursuit which all to often is seen as weakness in you, dependency by you, clinginess by you.
As for love, remember it's a choice we make each and every day. For her the pressure of everything she's feeling is crushing her ability to feel love and choose love. She just wants out of the pressure cooker she feels she's in. Again, remove the pressure and she gains the ability to feel again. Think of it this way, you hurt your arm so you apply pressure. After a bit you loose feeling in the arm. Remove the pressure and the feeling in that arm will slowly, slowly return. But remember feeling is made up of two parts, good and bad so she'll feel them both. It's part of the journey she has to take so just be aware of it.
That 12 days is a great opportunity for both of you to have space, use it wisely. Trust me it'll be hard as #$% but if you use it wisely it'll be worth it in the positive steps you take for yourself.
Oh and crying, go ahead real men do cry. If you aren't crying at least some of the time you aren't feeling. You'll want to gather yourself up and find good things too because that'll help cope when you don't feel so great.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
It took me the better part of a year to take most of my journey. The real me finally broke free of the fear, frustration, anger, bitterness, cynicism and negativity.
Faith is the opposite of fear. With faith you can conquer anything and break free of all those negative feelings. You may not be a spiritual person but once you find faith, you find a positive force for you. Faith brings about great things in you and all around you. I'm not saying you must turn to God (although it's not a bad idea to rediscover him), I'm saying you have to embrace optimism, strength in character, belief in yourself, in short faith.
So my friend, begin the journey and know this, you have love and compassion in your heart. With that you can build a strong faith in you.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
Welcome aboard! You made the right move joining the forum. The folks on this board are real pros.
Remember....
1. Give her lots of space. 2. No "I love you" and do not call her cute names. 3. No guilt trips - i.e. how can you do this to the kids? 4. Let her initiate most/all contact. 5. No cards, flowers, etc. - she doesn't want it now. 6. Focus on you and the kids. 7. No contact during the cruise. 12 days away may give her time to think about what she is walking away from. She may also see families enjoying themselves and want that back. 8. Patience is your friend in this game. If you push, she will file. 9. Sleep in guest room - for now.
The idea is that she has to come back to you.
It's Jujitsu.
If you agree with everything than that wall can come down because she no longer views you as controlling and argumentative. She will see the positive change.
She says she needs space - give her space. She wants you go to in guest room say "No problem." Everything is fine.
Thanks much for your thoughts. It's the space thing I am having trouble understanding. She has all day and night to do whatever she wants. I don't contact her unless there is an issue with the kido's and she plays Tennis, Tans, Talks to her freinds, does real estate stuff and maybe meets with the OM. I made the mistake of asking her to read an excerp from DB on infidelity and how you can tell by what she says like "I love you but I don't love you". It lead to relationship talk which I could tell pushed her away. I feel her "relationship" is more than what she is telling me and it is killing me. She actually told me she missed speaking with him.
Again it is the space thing that is killing me, I think she would really like it at this point if I moved out for a while. I could never do that because i would miss the kids to much and I know I would never move back in again after going through all the turmole of telling the kids and moving and all that crap.
I love and miss her so much, all I want is my honey back! Time to cry.
