ha ha Karen.... no. But it was intended for MsHdog. It was a reference to "Rumpole of the Bailey" and it read, "She Who Must Be Obeyed." It was from Maryland, which makes me suspect Balto.
As for the "fading desire" problem, I read a diatribe to my C that I had written Monday night, some time between 1 and 3 am. One of those "catharsis" pieces, but written in the form of a letter to MsHdog. Basically, it said that I was finally accepting her as who she is, not expecting her to change, and that I could not stay married to her anymore. My C asked if I was going to give it to her, and I said no, but that I felt a conversation was coming up that would include much of the thoughts within the letter. He asked, "are you hoping for a certain reaction from her?" Code, for "do you expect she'll beg you to stay?"
In the past...even the recent past...I would have said that I hoped for some sort of reaction, even if it started out negative, as long as it ended up with us living happily ever after. This, of course, has no connection with reality. So, the answer is no, I don't expect anything but the end of the relationship to occur as the result of a talk covering the issues set forth in this letter.
I'm not yet ready for that talk, though. When I am ready, I will know it.
I don't feel comfortable sharing the letter here, but some paraphrasing is in order. I mention that I have finally accepted, in love, who she is, without any expectations of change. This acceptance has changed the quality of my love for her to something more platonic than it used to be. Such a love is not sufficient to sustain a marriage. (Yes, echoes of LFL...there are many sentences in here that come straight from others' posts, but which state my feelings so clearly, I had to use them). I can no longer tolerate the thought that I am going to spend the rest of my life without physical intimacy. I go on to say that I have developed enough self respect recently to make me face the fact that I don't want to have sex with someone who does not want to have sex with me. That despite what she might say, her behavior is the clearest message of this aversion. Her unwillingness to lend any validity to this need of mine, and, to the contrary, her consistent scorn of it, provides support for my acceptance of her as the person who she is now, and has been before. I talk about how it is becoming increasingly difficult to even imagine being physically intimate, because it's been so long and doesn't seem to mesh with reality anymore. I tell her that I have backed off emotionally, as a form of self-protection from the rejection I feel, and that this emotional distance has been slowly killing my desire for her.
Oh, heck, I was going to sum up the end of the letter, but here it is, in all its verbose glory: So, accepting you for who you are is key to me letting go. The irony of it all is that I kept on fighting your statement "you need to be comfortable with me saying 'no.'" I fought it because, while I could accept you saying "no" from time to time, I would not accept it seemingly all the time. I fought it because the concept of being "comfortable" with you saying "no" was hard to extricate from the feeling of personal rejection I felt each and every time I heard it. Here I am, probably five or more years of fighting it later, and I realize that it has always been the key to accepting you. You saying no, time after time, and my discomfort with it, has caused me, both of us actually, great pain. Now, by accepting you as the woman you are, instead of some ideal I had that you were not willing to meet, I have finally gotten to the point of "comfort" with your saying "no." I realize you were right all along. It is the key. To peace. To acceptance. To love. It's also the key to the realization that I can't stay married to you anymore. I am finally comfortable with you saying "no" because I no longer desire you. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because I finally respect myself too much to continue trying to have sex with you. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because I respect you too much to continue trying to have sex with you. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because I am relieved that I won't have to endure another awkward session of sex that ends up highlighting our sexual incompatibility. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because it means that, after we end our marriage, both of us might have the opportunity of finding someone who will be the "yes" person. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because now I can finally relax, knowing that I'll never have to put myself out there and face an actual "no" from you. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because it means that I don't have to spend the rest of my life hoping for a "yes" from you. I am comfortable with you saying "no" because it means that we can both move on.
And so, in love, I accept you for the person you are and have always been. I'm sorry it took me so long to get here.
As noted above, I'm not ready to give this or otherwise convey the main points of this to her. It's so huge, so complex, this re-visioning of one's life taking a different road. Its side effects on the many lives which touch mine...so tragic. But until I can see myself taking that road with absolute clarity, I can't bring this up. This clarity will also have to be accompanied by all those practical steps one must take when facing the possibility of separation. This is not just about "don't let her see you flinch," this is about not flinching at all...for your own good.
If you recall, she and I briefly stepped up to the brink and she started talking about all the things she had to do that day since we were going to split, e.g., canceling credit cards, closing bank accounts, calling realtors, etc. This caught me by surprise at the time, and it showed in my reaction. Now, I see that conversation as a gift, showing me what to expect, helping me prepare.
If I go into this conversation with some expectation that it will "rattle her cage" and cause her to somehow come around to my world view, well folks, that's not honesty. That's manipulation. And she can sniff the manipulation and dishonesty a mile away. More importantly, I will know the truth, and I am trying to lead a life of integrity.
