AmyC, Yes, that's what I was thinking. Is he your enemy?
You're right Kimmie, you need to give him space. But giving space does not mean fleeing. Giving space means allowing him to direct the action. If he makes an overture, I feel like a positive (encouraging) response from you is a good step. I don't mean to say, accept every invitation. But at least give some encouragement.
Let's think, What could happen?
he could be missing you. just wants to see you.
it could be a test. maybe he wants to see if you're anxious to agree to see him.
maybe there is something specific he wants to talk about.
Maybe he (unconsciously?) thrives on the discord and crisis, and he wants to stir things up again, needs an argument with you.
he could be arranging a time to give you D papers.
or maybe it is some combination of 1 & 2, or 1 & 3, etc.
The worst case scenario in your mind, I am guessing, is #5. If you do lunch with him, and actually even if you don't, you should prepare yourself for that possibility. Maybe he will serve you with papers. Maybe. Maybe it will be at this lunch, or maybe another time and place. Prepare yourself. He may do it. Game plan it. What will you do if he does this? How will you react? How would you feel about it? Imagine yourself as a biographist, depicting the story of your own life, 50 years from now. How would you like to have reacted to that situation, if it were to happen? Imagine a movie made about your life - how would you like that particular scene to unfold?
I'm not saying it's definitely going to happen. Who knows? I'm saying, prepare yourself so that if it should happen, you will behave with your own integrity intact. You wil behave in accordance with your principles. You will behave in a way that you can respect yourself the next day, the next year, and for the rest of your life. Receiving papers is not what you want, but some things you cannot control. You CAN control how you react. Think about how you'd like to behave and then commit to yourself that you will behave that way, if it should happen.
Would you like to beg, plead? Would you like to weep inconsolably? Would you like to laugh at him in derision? Would you like to quietly accept it? Argue loudly? throw the papers in his face? Would you like to discuss it right then, or hold your tongue til later?
Ok, after youv'e decided, don't stress about it. Move on. Now assume he is NOT intending to serve papers to you. What if it is #2? What will you do THEN?
In that case, detachment yet encouragement is probably warranted. "Oh, I'd like to! Hmm, but I already have plans. Is there something you wanted to discuss?"
What if it is #3? Then you should be open to it, but not too eager. Something like #2.
What if it is #1? Same thing. Not too eager.
What about #4? If this is a pattern for you and your spouse, maybe think of a way you can derail that pattern. Think of a way to forge new habits and patterns.
Kimmie, I'm going to guess here: you're ticked off. You've been treated badly. You hate what he has done, what he is doing. You are hurt just looking at what he has destroyed.
I get it. We all do. You have every right to be ticked off. The stuff he did was utter BS.
On the other hand... ticked off ain't gonna get your marriage back. Who wants to be married to a ticked off beeatch? If you were to remain righteously ticked off, NO ONE would ever judge you for it. No one. But that attitude may steer you right into divorce. I'm not saying "don't feel that way". I'm saying, let your thoughts drive your feelings. Take control of yourself, your feelings. Be your own boss. What are your goals?
One more thing (and I gotta tell ya, this is me exhibiting my least favorite trait - I am not a man of few words. sometimes i never know when to SHUT UP). . . Ok, one more thing. If you're not feeling up to it, strong enough, in control enough.... if you feel like you will not be able to present the BEST YOU there is, then don't feel bad about deferring the invitation. If you feel like you are still too ticked off or hurt or anxious or whatever....to handle the situation the way you WANT TO, then ... decline the invitation. Wait til it's a better day. Can you just say, "Wednesday's not a good day for me. Maybe another time?" or "this week's no good. I have a lot going on. Another time?"
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
