LRT UNDER SAME ROOF III

[Wooglint]

Yeah, mine too. The sailor in me says that's the time to worry. However, I'm sticking with the PMA

[craig54]

Cog, a few weeks ago on one of your posts you said that each interaction with your wife was like a football play. some plays gained yardage and some lost yardage. i have been putting that into my gameplan. it really makes you stop and think . i ask the Lord for the correct words before i talk to my wife. it seems to be working. slowly.

[COG]

Crag,

Amen to that! Definately check with God before you run the play. Even, check with Him so He can call the play.

I didn't invent the gameplan thing, I read it in a great book. I'll get the title and post it later.

God Bless You,

COG

[craig54]

Cog, God bless you for your christian instruction on my situation.
i believe it came from the Lord himself. i have a question, i have not asked for any input for a while. did you ever send a letter or talk to your wife about how many mistakes you made during the marriage and apologize to her for them? this has been floating around my head for the last couple of days. i have so much i want to tell her,i have so much i need to own up to her for. God has revealed so much too me over the last 2 months. i also know about the db mantra. which has been working.

[COG]

Craig,

did you ever send a letter or talk to your wife about how many mistakes you made during the marriage and apologize to her for them?

Oh heck yes, MANY times, and I still do. Whenever it hits me, I come to the realization that I hurt her, let her down, etc., I take that as a prompting from the Holy Spirit. It is imperative that you take responsibility for YOUR failures, and ask forgiveness. It's a very healthy, very cleansing process. But be prepared for the response!

At first she will most likely roll her eyes at you. She might even get rude, and say something like "it's too little too late". Your apology must be completely sincere and have NO STRINGS attached. No expectations, no pressure for her to accept and forgive you, or to even respond to you. Just share your feelings with her, how your realize and recognize your failure, and how SHE must have felt betrayed, let down, criticized whatever. Try to acknowledge how she must have felt at the time, and console her. And don't expect her to say one single word in return.

I'll bet I've apologized at least a hundred times now. At first my W was indifferent, but as time went on, she realized how sincere I was, and that I wasn't just apologizing in order to win her back. She saw that I accepted responsibility for my failure, that I was humble enough to apologize, and man enough to move on with my life without her if she so chose. Eventually she began to apologize for her failings also, but that took a LONG time, don't have any expectations about that.

Now when I apologize, I also tell her that I can't believe what a fool I was, and that I'll NEVER treat her that way again. That she can always count on me to support her and love her.

I wrote a few letters, but I think the greatest impact was face to face. It takes a very brave and faithful person to look eye to eye, admit ones failure, and ask forgiveness. The biggest challenge is that your future actions will have to back up your words.

You're on the right track my friend. Practice in the mirror first. Practice how you will respond to her possible responses. Pray for the Holy Spirit to give the words your W needs to hear, and pray for a heart to back up the words.

God Bless,

COG

[craig54]

THANK YOU COG.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

Craig - I'm proud of how you've grown in these last few weeks. As to your question, I have asked for forgiveness as COG has. I also didn't make it a special event. I would wait for W to open the conversation or indicate she wanted to discuss the M, and I subtly would acknowledge my failings. COG is so right - you can say it, but it must be said in a way that does not require a response from her. Not a question, but a statement of fact. No pressure. No self-serving statements.

1 Cor 13:5 - Love (God's love in us) does not insist on its own rights or its own way, for it is not self-seeking;....
(Amplified Bible)

As long as what you say is not self-seeking - it can't be wrong.

[craig54]

phil. thank you. wife and i have not had any r talk for a long time. so it probably will have to come from me when i feel the holy spirit is leading me to do so. living under the same roof has been a challenge. but a lot of prayer has calmed the situation down. w has not filed or moved out like she said she would. life around the house has been very comfortable. especially since my anger has left. i know she notices, has not said much about it. but she seems to be more comfortable.

[I_Wanna_Make_It_Work]

Keep praying for wisdom, craig. Let me tell you - it will come. The new angerless-Craig is a 180. What other 180's can we do? Always in accordance to 1C13.

DB'ing by the book was a little tough in my sitch. I was "absentee" in the M. Too entrenched in work and my own anxiety to treat my W as she should have been treated. I wasn't mean or angry - rather I was distant and detached. So the "no R talk" of DB'ing was more of the same behavior. Sure, it was effective some of the time, but not always. There are times when R talk is appropriate. So one of my 180's was doing what DB says don't do - R talk. BUT, it was always done as COG described. Stated as facts and positions and not a subject for discussion or something I wanted my W to react to. There's nothing wrong with it in that situation or if you are led to do it. Just remember the terms.

[craig54]

cog,phil,


well last night was a real test of my faith. w and i went to subway
for a sandwich. w said she was going to file d papers friday. i said ok, went on to apologize for things i was reponsible for in the marriage. i was planning on doing this before she told me she was going to file. w looked very quizzical and asked me what i thought about her filing. ???. i said do what you need to do. i could tell she was wondering why i did not react like i had before. love in action. said she wanted to move into trailer, not move to friends house. i said ok. she felt it would be weird if she wanted to date someone and we were both at the house. of if i wanted to date. i said i was no where near even thinking about dating. it has been only 4 months. well. a few negatives and some positives in her reaction to how i did not react like i use to. she thanked me for apologizing to her , it meant alot. was truthfully down after the exchange, did not think my heart could hurt so much. prayed all the way home. asking for peace . will not give up .