I have only been at this two months, and my husband doesn't move into apt. until next Monday. But once he moves out, if he invites me to lunch, I am thinking I would totally go. But that is bc my goal is to reconcile. Is that still your goal? If not, then skip the lunch, but if it might be, I would go.....JMO
My goal is to reconcile too, but I thought I was supposed to give my H "lots and lots of space". I also thought that I was not supposed to accept each and every invite.
If your goal is to eventually reconcile and your husband reaches out to you and you can respond without forcing your opinions down his throat or anything of that sort, there's no reason not to accept his invitation if you would like to. Just steer clear of relationship talk. Keep it light and friendly. If you think you can do that, and you want to see him, accept his invitation.
Have you read "Divorce Remedy" yet? If not, try to pick it up and get started reading it ASAP.
Thanks Amy. I have both books and I read the D Remedy one the most. The other one seems more geared toward still marrieds and isn't all that helpful to me at the moment.
I did agree to lunch after all. Keep your friends close, your enemies closer, right?
Ok, keep my cool, don't believe 100% of what he says, let it roll off, smile tho my heart is breaking, don't cry....how am I doin' ?
Oh, and what if this so-called "lunch" is just a ploy so he can have me served with D papers?? Paranoid....paranoid....
AmyC, Yes, that's what I was thinking. Is he your enemy?
You're right Kimmie, you need to give him space. But giving space does not mean fleeing. Giving space means allowing him to direct the action. If he makes an overture, I feel like a positive (encouraging) response from you is a good step. I don't mean to say, accept every invitation. But at least give some encouragement.
Let's think, What could happen?
he could be missing you. just wants to see you.
it could be a test. maybe he wants to see if you're anxious to agree to see him.
maybe there is something specific he wants to talk about.
Maybe he (unconsciously?) thrives on the discord and crisis, and he wants to stir things up again, needs an argument with you.
he could be arranging a time to give you D papers.
or maybe it is some combination of 1 & 2, or 1 & 3, etc.
The worst case scenario in your mind, I am guessing, is #5. If you do lunch with him, and actually even if you don't, you should prepare yourself for that possibility. Maybe he will serve you with papers. Maybe. Maybe it will be at this lunch, or maybe another time and place. Prepare yourself. He may do it. Game plan it. What will you do if he does this? How will you react? How would you feel about it? Imagine yourself as a biographist, depicting the story of your own life, 50 years from now. How would you like to have reacted to that situation, if it were to happen? Imagine a movie made about your life - how would you like that particular scene to unfold?
I'm not saying it's definitely going to happen. Who knows? I'm saying, prepare yourself so that if it should happen, you will behave with your own integrity intact. You wil behave in accordance with your principles. You will behave in a way that you can respect yourself the next day, the next year, and for the rest of your life. Receiving papers is not what you want, but some things you cannot control. You CAN control how you react. Think about how you'd like to behave and then commit to yourself that you will behave that way, if it should happen.
Would you like to beg, plead? Would you like to weep inconsolably? Would you like to laugh at him in derision? Would you like to quietly accept it? Argue loudly? throw the papers in his face? Would you like to discuss it right then, or hold your tongue til later?
Ok, after youv'e decided, don't stress about it. Move on. Now assume he is NOT intending to serve papers to you. What if it is #2? What will you do THEN?
In that case, detachment yet encouragement is probably warranted. "Oh, I'd like to! Hmm, but I already have plans. Is there something you wanted to discuss?"
What if it is #3? Then you should be open to it, but not too eager. Something like #2.
What if it is #1? Same thing. Not too eager.
What about #4? If this is a pattern for you and your spouse, maybe think of a way you can derail that pattern. Think of a way to forge new habits and patterns.
Kimmie, I'm going to guess here: you're ticked off. You've been treated badly. You hate what he has done, what he is doing. You are hurt just looking at what he has destroyed.
I get it. We all do. You have every right to be ticked off. The stuff he did was utter BS.
On the other hand... ticked off ain't gonna get your marriage back. Who wants to be married to a ticked off beeatch? If you were to remain righteously ticked off, NO ONE would ever judge you for it. No one. But that attitude may steer you right into divorce. I'm not saying "don't feel that way". I'm saying, let your thoughts drive your feelings. Take control of yourself, your feelings. Be your own boss. What are your goals?
One more thing (and I gotta tell ya, this is me exhibiting my least favorite trait - I am not a man of few words. sometimes i never know when to SHUT UP). . . Ok, one more thing. If you're not feeling up to it, strong enough, in control enough.... if you feel like you will not be able to present the BEST YOU there is, then don't feel bad about deferring the invitation. If you feel like you are still too ticked off or hurt or anxious or whatever....to handle the situation the way you WANT TO, then ... decline the invitation. Wait til it's a better day. Can you just say, "Wednesday's not a good day for me. Maybe another time?" or "this week's no good. I have a lot going on. Another time?"
M 43 S14 S13 D11 D7 Divorce final: Jan 2009 Making it up as I go....
Thanks! You guys always give me a lot to think about.
I am ticked off, but I haven't begged, pleaded, etc.
I did tear up a little bit last time I saw him, which was Monday, but that was because I was thinking I might lose my house. He offered to buy it, which really got me because he's the one who left it! I have lived in this house for more than 20 years before he came into my life and he wants to waltz in and put me out? I don't think so!
I just said "I'll be all right", and then I walked on. Then he texts me with the invite that night.
H had to text me twice before I would answer back to him more than a day later, and I didn't agree to see him till this Saturday. I didn't want to seem too eager at all. And it's kind of funny because maybe one second after I had just pressed "send", he had already answered me back with an ok for lunch this Saturday.
I think he his eager to talk finances and the big D.
And yes, right now, he is "the enemy". Friends certainly don't treat people the way he has treated me!
And yes, right now, he is "the enemy". Friends certainly don't treat people the way he has treated me!
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Kim I am going to jump in here on this lunch deal although by now you may have had lunch. I get from your posts seeing H really really really upsets you?>>????? In past seeing my H and then he left to go back to OW threw me into deep depression. After while it hit me I have to take care of myself. I told H this, "I had to take care of myself and stop letting him hurt me. Couldn't take anyome and my well being would have to come first. For quite some time (months) I didn't see him, near him ,etc. Might talk on phone but no him. Maybe this is what you need to do. If talking D is not what you want then don't go. If seeing him hurts that much, don't go. Let him realize one reaching out for lunch may not cut it. He'll call again. Seems to me you want it both ways. You ok, him talking and around you. Lets just work on R and H has made it clear NO. So look after yourself, forget him for a bit. just my thoughts. grid, lost
-Love of dogs, every time I loose a dog to the bridge,part of my heart goes too. Ever time a puppy/dog comes into my life,he gives me a part of his heart. If live my life long enough, in time I'll have the heart of a puppy. -unknown (w/character limit)
