And, it seems, you can't really detach from the situation.
So...rather, than suggesting that by sheer willpower you refrain from being obsessed with every move of your wife, I will suggest some things tht might prove helpful to your sanity:
1. Start adding things to your life that enhance your joy and personal power. I think it needs to be quite radical and all consuming. A new hobby or sport. Rock Climbing? Karate? Boxing? Something that has stress release AND requires extreme focus. Maybe even learning a musical instrument. This will give your mind time to breathe. It forces you to live in the moment and frees you from anger, worry or fear for the time you spend doing it. Better than self-medicating. Pick one this week and start. Really, this sounds silly, but it will help.
2. It seems your close friends and acquantences are scattered across the country. Maybe you need some people near you that you can see on a regular basis. Stong male friends. Your wife seems to have a network of people she can lean on. You need one too.
Regarding your wife's flirting. Well, you know that when she gets into that "I need to grow for me" mode, then anything is acceptable to her. She's sending some vibe out that she's available. She's not having an affair yet, but it looks like she's open to one.
You can't stop her from having an affair. The more you try to, the more needy to get.
Work on your yourself. That's your only hope.
Wait and watch. She may have an affair, she may not.
You promised her that if she had an affair again, you were done.
