Your posting rings so true. I haven't posted over the last few days, because I've been trying to focus on GALling, but I had to respond to your stark truth .
My W has had an affair (thereby breaking the most sacred vows), she's still at home in a very disconnected way (she spends a lot of the time in the bathroom texting on her mobile phone, and goes out often with new friends), and I sit here thinking "What am I doing?", and "Is she about to have a string of affairs stretching to my grave?"
The only thing that keeps me going in my deepest, darkest and loneliest moments (these moments are so suffocating that I literally can't breath and living for a blank future becomes a struggle), is a feeling of compassion for my W (or is that ex-W?). I believe she's lost, confused, and in a terrible place. All her dreams have evaporated in her middle-age, and her rage and partying is simply a defense mechanism.
She might not be in a position to honour her vows, but maybe I am? Maybe being there for her will be the "ultimate sign of true love". These are idealistic, and potentially naive, notions, and I often wonder whether they are simply hiding my fear and weakness of facing a divorce. Rather than dwell on the madness, I'm trying to focus on myself, and hope divine intervention will lead our family to a better place. In fact, I believe we need to learn from our WASs and start being more selfish in our living. However the LBS still has most of their moral compass intact (despite the continuous negativity), and hopefully can go on a healthy path of self-discovery rather than destruction.
We all say we love our WASs, we all say we would do anything to save our marriages. But would we? Isn't the ability to put aside our own hurt and ego, and see our WAS's point of view a more appropriate definition of love? Isn't love about putting others before yourself? Obviously a healthy relationship (like our old marriages, and like our even better futures) allows you to get something back which nourishes you.
I'm going to try for the sake of my daughters, and my W to keep going. I pray I have the strength to get to my "fairytale ending", but if I don't then I'll hope to have become a better human and have been enriched by the experience.
Today I feel tired and lonely. I'm at work and wish I could look forward to going back to some affection. I'll break out of this gloom, but I never knew life would be this hard.
