FLTC, I'm glad my continual whining and self pity is picking you up! OT, sometimes I really do think I'm on the verge of an emotional breakthrough around the CB stuff and then, bang, something knocks me back a few notches! As a sane man, I know it's best to just follow my monicker "what is is" and not put labels etc on it. I will never know the why's or how's etc, you and I and everyone else can put our interpretations on what happened but in the big picture they are all meaningless. It's the same with W, I have to put her emotionally abusive behaviour (and CB is NOT being emotionally abusive towards me, just to be clear) behind me and not allow it to effect my self esteem, confidence etc. That, of course, is the way to go, again, what is is. But, somehow I just seem to keep missing the boat these days. I know it's a long process and I must be patient and loving with myself. I am not an iron man, I'm just a man and sometimes I hurt badly. I will overcome BUT WHEN! At church on Sunday the Pastor was talking about waiting for and trusting God to do things in HIS time, because we all (him included) get frustrated during difficult times and say "Lord, when is this going to end, when is what you promised me going to come!" It's called letting go and trusting that God has the best in store for each of us. I know I want to do that, I don't want to be someone who misses out on the great plans God has for me because I've had my head so far up my butt I can't see anything else. I don't want Him sitting up there mumbling "Would you get your head out of your butt and see the great things I've put out there for you to find!" Sometimes it all just feels so freakin' hard and then I get pissed with myself because part of the problem becomes me not letting go and creating more misery for myself. I guess we all do it to some degree but...urgghh!
Here's a couple of positives. On Friday I start my Latin Dance class, which I've been looking forward to. Thursday I'm going for a massage (and not on W's precious insurance plan!) and Saturday I'm going out with my woman friend to a church service and dinner afterwards. Also on the weekend D10 has a gymnastics Meet and we're all going to watch. There's still much to be thankful for...even if I do have to pay for the massage myself!
I was just thinking about what a friend from work told me about his Divorce. He said the worst time was when all the paperwork and moving etc was done. He said that despite how emotionally and physically exhausting all that was, the worst time is when everything is done and you come home to your apartment, look around and say "this is my life now". I think to some degree that is what is happening to me, the fall out. I've taken care of everything, come through with shining colours and now there is an emptiness, a lonlienss, a recognition that "this is my life now" I'm trying to deal with it by keeping my life busy, keeping in touch with people but maybe it's important to just stay with that emptiness for a bit, feel it and maybe befriend it in some way. I am alone...always have been really...and that's OK. It's just been one Hell of a year! How have others out there dealt with this emptiness when it hits? I know the friend I mentioned above found himself a new R within a couple of months of his D. He said it helped him get through that time, made him feel desirable, but that it wasn't a good R then and still isn't a good R now, so I'm not seeing that as the way to go here! Any pointers out there?
I am with you in terms of dreading that time when all hope is really lost, not that there is a lot now. The "this is my life" now is an unknown abyss. How will we react to lonliness, the need for support, the need for intimacy? Will we ever find someone to share our life with again? How do we unpack the stevedore of baggage where packed? Always thinking women will bite our heads off about air conditioners, vacuums, or not anticiapting that the house needs a new storm door? Will we die alone? All real, my friend. It's not easy, especially after being surrounded by a family for so many years. To go from that to where we are...well?
I worked with a woman, a social worker, as a matter of fact. After 25 years, she and her husband divorced. She made a vow to be reflective for a year, entertain friends, whatever. Well, the best laid plans! She remarried within several months to her high school sweetheart, who had really waited for her for 40 years. She seems happily re-married. You never know what awaits us.
A new romance may be like what your friend described. We all have gone through the “comparative” phase when we broke up (or were dumped!) by high school or college sweethearts. Nothing measured up. Well, that may or may not happen. The most fabulous new woman may be just around the corner. Someone looking for wii. Who knows? The beauty of life! Not that you jump into a new R. to ovecome the old, but you NEVER know.
I don’t fell you’re whining. I can feel the frustration in your writing. It’s like me, I guess. It may be whining, but for me, it’s the sheer frustration
It sure is uncharted territory isn't it, FLTC. It's hard to know what the journey will bring, I do know then when I'm sitting here coughing, sneezing and with muscles aching I'm not seeing the good stuff! When I'm down either physically or emotionally I feel vulnerable and weak, that doesn't feel good. It becomes a bit harder to fend off obsessive and worrisome thoughts. Once they get into the old noggin it's hard to push them out, everything looks like some shade of black! So, today I'm gonna sleep when i want to and do a little reading, I know when my energy comes back my spirits will too. I hate when I'm like this, I just feel like a whiner and I've gotten through this by choosing to be otherwise. Again, I have to be gentle with myself in the way I would be with others. Thanks for your thoughts, they were helpful. Btw, i dropped D's at W's this morning and do you think I was met with "How are you feeling?" Not a chance! Isn't it sad when someone you've shared 17 years of your life with, raised two children etc can't even have the common decency to inquire about how you're feeling when you're ill! OK, I'm whining again. Hit that delete button NOW!
Naw!!! No whining, more like frustration. I related the story about when W. and kids dropped me off on my last week home before heading to NC and then Iraq. Kids were surgically attached to me, crying. She sat in the car, and could barely muster a goodbye, as though I was going on a business trip to LA! I think maybe they don't want to give us the slightest glimmer of hope, and that their rejection of us is just 100% and more. Why they can't act like a decent human being , though is beyond me. I was thinking of some of those "treatments" this evening. (The "situation" never leaves my head completely). You can't wish things differently, but I was really treated worse than a doormat the past 6 or 7 months I was at home. I don't want to be treated like that again. Period.
Well, instead of whining poor me for the rest of the morning, I got out my collection of quotes and insprational readings I've done. I put them together and typed them out, I thought I might share them with my friends as a gift of some type, they are a symbolic of the journey I have been through, am still going through and may be of help to others when they go through hard times. I'm still working on it! here's a couple I liked that fit with my mood for today:
You create your life by the way you say life is - Bill Ferguson
Man's eye is a magnifier; it shows him the earth much larger than it is -Kahlil Gibran
Notice the variety of the human connection available instead of obesessing about what is missing - Barbara Feldon
Just exactly in the beginnning, when you are creating the problem, is the solution, don't create it! OSHO
If everything collapses, I will deal with it by staying with the pieces... David Richo
you cannot be lonely if you like the person you are alone with Wayne Dyer
Learn to forgive yourself again and again and again and again... Sheldon B Kopp
When it gets dark enough you can see the stars. Lee Salk
Anyway, I must run, it's family time at the dentist. Whoopee!!!
Hey, I almost forgot this quote: "If your dreams turn to dust - vacuum!"
Well, Whatis is back! After the dental work was done I had a couple of Dental Hygienists hanging around me enthralled by my incredible grasp of the Chinese language. I swear, the worse my pronunciation is the more they love it! I'm gonna practise how to be bad...well actually, I don't need to practise it just comes to me naturally I was at the top of my game folks, according to one of them, I'm "so sweet". It felt good to just be having some fun with these ladies, where the heck that burst of testosterone came from is beyond me but ... I'm really thinking this crappy Chinese of mine could get me some real action one day, as long as there is no coffee involved! Speaking of coffee, after dinner it's off for a driveby with Coffee Buddy! Whew, the fun just never ends !!!!
I show up and she drives by! It's what we do now, Tom. It kind of turns me on, the gentle caress of that breeze on my face as she whips by, the sweet scented perfume of burnt rubber...but then watching her daughter roll out the door of the car at such a high speed kind of brings me down, yet the rest of it is pretty darn enticing, don't you think!
