Well dinner was fabulous! The kids laughing and full of good cheer. Smiles are had by all. My wife would look over at me and smile as our youngest chattered away in her ever wonderful optimism and happiness. (Honestly I think they both were just super happy to be together as a family.) All I can say is it felt superwonderfulcheerylicious.(a word D9 came up with once) (Honestly I had to wonder if my wife was feeling it too.)
Well we went back to the house so she could open her gifts. I, well the girls and I, got her a very nice lapdesk which she loved. She admitted she'd been looking at them a long time but couldn't seem to muster buying one.
Now the backslide, I broke down and started talking. Dang it I am my own worst enemy! Basically told her I am sorry I couldn't have given her a superb 40th birthday meaning like the one she gave me 2 years ago, the single greatest day of my life! But what I have given was from the heart. An outward sign of who I really am and what's really inside. She thanked me in a heartfelt way. I continued though and said I have faith that we can all move forward somewhere wonderful. Now that we have the negative issue, the sep agreement behind us it's time to move forward in positive ways. Where we go I have faith in God and each of us that will be moving forward somewhere wonderful. I don't know where it is but I know it'll be wonderful no matter what.
Now here's the big blackslide, for what ever reason I couldn't stop myself from saying it, "No matter what a part of my heart will always be yours." To this she turned and began to cry. So I grabbed tissues and she got a bit testy saying she didn't want to go here tonight. To which I replied that I'm not going there I'm just saying all that you see in me, in my actions, in my words is the real me the one finally able to break free of fear. What you see is me, love, compassion, optimism and faith.
Honestly I had to say that part of my heart will always be hers because I feel like it's actually over. That's she's decided but just isn't letting go just yet. So if I was walking out that door it wasn't going to be without showing and saying what's in my heart, who I am and that she is special to me and has and will always have a special place in my heart.
So hopefully one day she'll open her heart, her eyes and her mind to see, I am a wonderful father, a great guy, a great man with a warm, loving and compassionate heart. I have faith in God, in myself, in my family. And no matter what there is something positive in every situation, every person, every idea, every feeling, in short something positive in everything. I can see that, feel that, and know it to be true down to the my DNA.
So I now completely let go and pray that her heart heals and can one day feel the love, compassion and faith.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
