Catfan, thx for the heartfelt note. you are exactly right she keeps asking for space and feels that I control her all the time. "I feel trapped". I heard this for the first time about a month ago. I can not see this. she does whatever she dam well feels like. I am on page 200 of DR but am wondering why you say " Do not share it with her in any way." I told her I was talking to Jody at DB and shared some of the info. Alot of this book and DB is exactly what we are going thru. The biggest problem I have right now is her saying she doesn't have the feeling anymore and whether she will get it back. The book says that you just don't love someone one day and don't have the feeling the next so I am hoping she is just trying to protect herself and she really does still have the feeling. I am going to miss her so much when she is away for 12 days on the cruise. I don't know how I am going to do it yet I will have a great time with my three wonderful boys that I love so very much. I have a lot of work to do but first I need to go cry a little. Thank you again.
She may do "whatever she dam well feels like" but that doesn't mean she FEELS like she has the space and the freedom she thinks she should have. She feels trapped by everything including her own feelings, responsibilities, the family, everything. So that's why she needs space. Breathing room if you will. Enough so she can look at everything with some level of objectivity.
The reason you don't want to share it with her is because it'll come across to her as controlling, specifically you trying to control her. Also it comes across as pursuit which all to often is seen as weakness in you, dependency by you, clinginess by you.
As for love, remember it's a choice we make each and every day. For her the pressure of everything she's feeling is crushing her ability to feel love and choose love. She just wants out of the pressure cooker she feels she's in. Again, remove the pressure and she gains the ability to feel again. Think of it this way, you hurt your arm so you apply pressure. After a bit you loose feeling in the arm. Remove the pressure and the feeling in that arm will slowly, slowly return. But remember feeling is made up of two parts, good and bad so she'll feel them both. It's part of the journey she has to take so just be aware of it.
That 12 days is a great opportunity for both of you to have space, use it wisely. Trust me it'll be hard as #$% but if you use it wisely it'll be worth it in the positive steps you take for yourself.
Oh and crying, go ahead real men do cry. If you aren't crying at least some of the time you aren't feeling. You'll want to gather yourself up and find good things too because that'll help cope when you don't feel so great.
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
