Still stuck in Limbo Land

[MariS]

MaryfromAustin,

First thank you to much for keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. I know I haven't been on the BB for some time, but no one is ever far from my thoughts or prayers. I hope to check in on your stitch tomorrow for my time is limited at the moment,

One day, we will meet........


Journaling

Since the New Year, it has been a very hard DB situation.

New Years was quiet, we stayed at home w/child and WAH-MLCer was asleep by 10:30pm. Alcohol and Ambien combination. Child & I went to bed together, in child's bed and were asleep by 11pm. I did transition to master later on.

WAH-MLCer, I think, is slowly starting to reconnect w/me. I don't feel the presence of another pulling him in a different direction. He is spending more time w/family & child, the way it should be. Plus, taking care more of his health, except for the increase in alcohol again.

Downside is now me.

I have these moments of anger and frustration for the path my WAH-MLCer has taken me and child on. It is so VERY hard not to let the "ugly me" retaliate or attack for WAH-MLcer's MLC.

I do my best to "Stop Think" as Laurie the DB coach taught me last year.

It is best when I keep busy and don't have time to focus on the multiple A's that WAH-MLCer had, how he treated me, as well as our child, or how he has and is still treating his parent and sibling. Those are his demons, NOT MINE and only the Lord can help me with my current anger issues.

Either way, I am hoping to shift to piecing soon, since that is where I feel I need to transition.

One thing I kept questioning about DB is the length of time. The book stated 1 month for every year of marriage. BUT, I think it is actually 1 month for every year that you have know or been involved with your S.

My only other waivering thought that I continue to have is if what I am doing is really worth it.

Am I doing this for me, child, us, our family or am I hoping to hear from WAH-MLCer an apology & that he was wrong. Honestly, I don't know, probably a combination of ALL.

Only thing I can do is take it one day at a time....when I look back and review the horrid path I have been on, I know that I am much stronger and if WAH-MLCer decides to leave again, I will actually help him pack!