Real growing and healing

[ntl]

I just got off a call with a fellow whom I was working with on a medical type program. Not for money (well, a little cash but mostly equity) but a project we want to sell as an idea to medical companies. We are working with a well know Cancer doctor at USC Medical center.

I've been late on it several times and was supposed to have it ready for demo today. It's not, and I asked for a couple more days to get it ready. But, he said they can't wait any more and we will have a meeting on Sunday to hand over what I've done so far so they can find someone who has time to finish it.

Just before Christmas we had a long talk where they told me they couldn't understand how I could say I was able to get this done, but deadlines came and went and I didn't finish it. As one guy said "When I tell someone I'll have something done I get it done. I don't understand how you are able to do this?".

Neither do I. I'm just broken. How do you explain 'broken'?

In the past it would have been a slam dunk for me. It's complex but well within my skills when I'm focused. I really believed I'd have been on a roll by now after my week alone in dec-jan and after feeling like my W and I were finally going to be able to work together because I had reached my bottom and had enough of wallowing.

I guess the humiliation of being a failure again, especially to people who had put a lot of faith in me, is hard right this minute. I really can't cry much any more, but I will so I can release this and at least save SOMETHING.

I've been trying and trying to explain this to my wife, how it feels, but she can't hear me I guess. Now it's no longer appropriate.

Don't worry, I'm not going to wallow in this too long. I expected it eventually. Life has to get better. It can't get any worse.

I am so broken right now.

Yuck. This sounds terrible. You must be feeling really despondent right now. I remember when my H first told me he didn't think we'd make it married. I, the star employee, the one who always got top reviews and always got everything done ahead of time, was a complete flake. I could barely read, let alone finish a project on time. It was a bleak, bleak thing.

I am not trying to compare my situation to yours, but I am certain you hurt. And I wish I could just help a little bit.

Regards,

ntl