The New Adventures of Supermom...Part 3

[JennyF]

It sounds like he was trying to be sure that you were going to be safe when he locked the door, correct?

Yes...I think so. The thing is that he hasn't done many things like this...even with our best interest in mind. In fact it has shocked me through all of this how little of this stuff he has done. The old him was always thinking about things like this and it has really shocked me how he changed for the worse that way. So yes, hopefully it is a tiny 180!

CFB - my mind is thinking really bad things right now, but probably appropriate

LOL! Yes...think the worst and that is probably it. I am NOT the type to use words like that but I feel it is appropriate given the circumstances. The acronym prevents me from having it to say it!
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi Jenny--

Hope all is well. You sound like you are in a good place and I am wondering if you could take a look at my current thread and weigh in. I have had a setback and could use some thoughts before I go nuts.

[lizzy]

Glad that D is feeling better. I have thought about "forgetting" to put my rings on. Might be interesting to see the reaction, yes.
You should look at the little things. It sounds like he was trying to be sure that you were going to be safe when he locked the door, correct? Not knowing the exact sitch, I'm assuming. If so, that's thoughtful. Sounds like a tiny 180 for him.


CFB - my mind is thinking really bad things right now, but probably appropriate

I wouldn't expect a reaction from your H. I took my rings off out of anger when the bomb hit and put them w/ all my jewelry from H on his dresser. H never said a thing and I put the rings back on. After H decided to move out I took them off for a week because I thought it was like lying. Again no reaction. I put them back on because I'm still committed to the M. Like Jenny said, do what feels right to you. I wouldn't do it just to see if it pushes H's buttons, it could backfire.

[lizzy]

It sounds like he was trying to be sure that you were going to be safe when he locked the door, correct?

Yes...I think so. The thing is that he hasn't done many things like this...even with our best interest in mind. In fact it has shocked me through all of this how little of this stuff he has done. The old him was always thinking about things like this and it has really shocked me how he changed for the worse that way. So yes, hopefully it is a tiny 180!

It is funny how H's can show they care about you with such a small action.

CFB-Hmm, I haven't heard that one in a long time. Good one Jenny!

CFB - my mind is thinking really bad things right now, but probably appropriate

LOL! Yes...think the worst and that is probably it. I am NOT the type to use words like that but I feel it is appropriate given the circumstances. The acronym prevents me from having it to say it!
J~

[JennyF]

Well D is back to her old self...Thank God!

I feel like I'm settling well into detachment. H is so far removed from me and so much a stranger that I really feel like I've let go of him. Having said that I have been sad today for some reason. It's this whole custody/visitation thing. I can handle all of this crap but why our children have to be put through it is beyond me. It is so sad. And I am SO stressed and worried about making the wrong decisions.
I feel like I am going to set back my DB'ing efforts by really fighting for what I want. I am so worried about this, but I have to put what I believe is best for my kids first.
I just wish he would snap out of this! I wish the aliens would return my H before he does any more damage!
I know I'm going against what I said in the first sentence about letting go...but it's more like I've let go of the guy he is now. I still feel like old H is in there somewhere.
Time time time.
I'm going to go read some more from my "Good Parenting Through Your Divorce", hopefully I'll find some of my answers in there.
J~

[hope2wrkitout]

Hi JennyF--

Thanks for taking a look at my thread. Again, I appreciate your thoughts. You mentioned above about H locking the door. It does mean something. I know this because when my H and I first seperated and he was really being awful and ugly he never locked the door. He would not lock the door when he came in or when he left. In fact, when I started coming home after our seperation and he was waiting there with our son I would turn the knob first and that would let me know if he was inside. When he was living with us he was anal about locking the door and making sure the shades were down. He stopped doing this until recently. Now when he comes over he makes a point to lower the shades (the way he used to) and lock the door when he leaves. It sounds goofy, but take it as a positive gesture. I just took it to mean that he does still care about us. I fantasize frequently about taking a black cast iron skillet and hitting H in the back of the head. I imagine like in the cartoons it will make a really loud almost ringing sound, H will see some stars, his eyes will roll and then he will go back to being his old self. It just blows my mind that they don't see what it does to the kids and the long lasting effects it could have. I am telling you I would not be surprised if we heard on the news that this alien group from outer space had been taken over people like some sort of invasion of the body snatchers. I look at my H daily like who the f-ck are you because you are so not the man I married and fell in love with. Keep your chin up and watch for that news report

[JennyF]

WARNING...this is a really deep post. More journalling than anything, but I am in need of some intraspection and I feel like this is the right place to do it...


I feel like I am at a personal rock bottom. I had a conversation with my sister last night that was filled with 2X4's. Since I got off the phone last night I can't stop crying. I haven't been like this since the weeks that followed the bomb drop. I'll try to sum it up without going into too much monotonous detail...

My sister and I were talking back and forth and she started to show a minor disagreement with what I was saying. When I reiterated my opinion back (in a somewhat defensive manner) it started the ball rolling for her. She basically came down on me for being so forceful and unwilling to hear what she has to say. This lead to a conversation about my tendency to be this way (although I come by it honestly) and how it was what probably what drove my H away. She basically went on and on about how he probably felt over the years (some of it she was wrong about...but on other parts she was probably right).

So this led us down a path of stripping me down for my faults and how they impact my life. So at that point it's hitting me that I am REALLY at fault for the breakdown of my M. Now I know I played a part....but now I feel totally responsible. I know I am not at fault for the A or the choices H made. And yes he should have talked to me about it so we could have tried to work on it. But the end result is, who would want to be married to me? I know my sister didn't mean that...but that is exactly how I feel right now. How pitiful is that?

That led to a conversation about how my talking with people right now is putting a lot of stress into their lives (ie. my sister, my Mom and step-dad, my best friends...). And that I need to stop doing this and just figure it out on my own. That it's too much for these people to have it taking up this much of their lives. I have to figure out what I want, deal with it between H and myself and get on with my life. Stand on my own and stop relying on others. I have to stop interjecting things into conversations about my sitch and just let it go.

Now I know there are parts of this I needed to hear (maybe all of it)...but I feel so alone right now. I feel like I am one big mess up and that my whole life has slipped away from me as a result. I know I lean on others a lot and talk things to death. I know I push back my opinions on others. I know I'm not perfect. But after this conversation I feel so stripped down and bare that I'm not sure where to go from here. I feel as though I'm on threshold of some turning point and it go well or extremely bad. And I have to do it on my own. I feel so alone. Am I afraid of being alone? Maybe...

But what's killing me right now is that in spite of my faults, did I really deserve to have my life, my hopes and dreams taken away like this? I am a good person and I get along well others. I am not rude or selfish (although I will say that lately I have been self absorbed with my sitch). Shouldn't the good things account for something? Shouldn't I get a second chance?
I suppose these are retorical questions...and meant for God more than anyone.
I know this is about personal change. Looking within myself to fix the problems. Last night was an eye opener about how my tendencies are affecting all areas of my life, not just my M.
I've always been someone who could look in the mirror and see my faults. I sometimes apologize to a fault for them. But this feels different. This feels like some deep life changing intraspection and for some reason it is scaring me. I've got feelings right now I can't even identify if that makes any sense!!

So where do I go from here?? GAL. Accept that my marriage is over (because really, who knows what the future holds).
Accept that I have to deal with this on my own, I know my friends and family are there for me, but I have to break my cycles.
Find peace withing myself for who I am and who I want to be.
Do this not to save my marriage, but to save myself. Because I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world and it's crushing me.
I'm sorry if I sound dramatic...another fault of mine.

So I better put a positive spin on this before I lose it (might be too late for that anyway!). I need to refocus...and fast...

- I need to get back into counselling quickly. I will make the call today.
- Yesterday I stopped into the Dahn Yoga centre near my house and got the info on Yoga and Meditation. I can't afford this right now, but I'm going to do it anyway.
- I need to make a list of all of the clerical things that I need to take care of as they piling up.
- I need to get a schedule for the kids in place with H. I need to stop letting the emotion of this stop me from doing it.
- I need to get some kind of financial agreement in place with H.
- I need to stop talking about my sitch to my loved ones and just focus on what I need to do.
- I need to limit my time on these boards to a certain amount a day. I'm so focused on them, that it's hindering my GAL. It helps in so many ways too, and I can't give it up. All of you who have helped me over the last 3 months are the reason I am where I am (or was where I was!)...but the truth is it's not helping me to move on. I just have to put a limit on it...that's all.
- I need to Get my emotions in check.

This last one is the hardest. I feel like I have come so far with regards to this, but suddenly it all feels so raw again and I can't stop crying. I know this is part of the roller coaster and it will get better again. But at the moment I feel like all the strength I worked so hard to build up is gone.

H is picking up D tonight and taking her until Sunday morning.
He is taking S for a few hours tomorrow afternoon too. There must be something to that whole "afraid to be alone" thing because the thought of both my kids being gone and being in this house by myself is killing me.
I'm going to stay busy by baking a birthday cake for my best friends son. And maybe tackling some of the things on the above list. And maybe trying some meditating...
Anyway, if you're still reading at this point...Thank you so much.
J~

This last one is the hardest. I feel like I have come so far with regards to this, but suddenly it all feels so raw again and I can't stop crying. I know this is part of the roller coaster and it will get better again. But at the moment I feel like all the strength I worked so hard to build up is gone.

I can totally identify with this - Since the turn of the year, I have found it really hard. I thought I had myself together, I was doing really well and was really dealing with things effectively. In reality, I'd just gotten used to the way things were and when the holidays came around and everything shifted, it was a real struggle to get back on my feet. Earlier this week I felt like I did right at the beginning; as if I was back at square one. Maybe I am, maybe not - Not really sure.

It sounds like you're becoming overwhelmed with all that is going on and not really doing much about it - I realize it is tough with your S, but at some point you're going to have to have your parents watch him, or schedule time with H for him. It's tough, and it's going to suck really badly before it gets any better - The meditation sounds like a good step, but if you're feeling really down and in a funk, something more active might help you get over many of those feelings - Go to the gym and run, kick something, or find a fun sport that you learn.

We all have our parts we have played in how our M's have turned out, but the blame is not all ours. We just have to take responsibility for what we've done and for our contributions and work on that. We can't work on our spouse, nor is it realistic to think that every single problem was our fault.

The ONLY thing that has worked for me to start to feel better is to radically change my routines and start doing new stuff. The last thing you want to do when you feel crappy is go out, but it will make you feel better. It's tough with kids, but you can't spend all day and all night with them right now - You'll really start losing it if you don't have adult contact.

I'm so sorry you're feeling so down today. Believe me - I've been there, and it DOES get better.

[DaveJ]

JennyF, looks like you are doing the same things I was doing couple days ago. Blaming everything on ourselves. It does take two to make the M not work, not just you. You messed up, and so did your H. Don't take all the responsibilities on your shoulders. He isn't without fault no matter what. In some ways we are kind of feeling sorry for ourselves.... It doesn't really help with our PMA as you have found out. It just makes us depressed and miserable. It's good that you and figuring out what you think you want to change. Now instead of beating yourself over it, turn that energy into something positive and improve yourself so it doesn't happen again no matter what happens.

Maybe right now not worry so much about the the R and find yourself again. Figure out what you want out of life besides the neediness of your H being there. I've found that the more I press to keep us together and wanting to save the M, the more pressure my W felt and things seems to get worse. If you just back off from that a little bit and tend to yourself, maybe things will improve on their own. It's worth a try since what you've been doing hasn't been working right?

[RedHeadWife]

Hey, girl, I've read your sitch and you're doing an awesome job considering the ages of your kids, etc.

I can so understand not wanting to let them go, especially your S, as he is so young. I think you do need to get some sort of visitation schedule in place and start allowing yourself to get out and do some things on your own. Until you start living your life like H is not going to come back and get out there and do some fun things by yourself, I don't think you are going to move forward.

As far as H not seeming to be the same person, I know exactly what you mean. My H and I are "back together" if you will, and at times he's still not the same man I married. If and when you and your H ever decide to try to work things out, and I believe you actually said this one time in one of your posts, you will be working on a new M and your H may be a "new man" as well. He may sometimes seem like the man you married and sometimes seem like a new person to you.

As far as your convo w/ your sister and all the thoughts & emotions it brought out, the best advice I have for you is that you CANNOT continue to beat yourself up for anything you feel you did to damage your M. You cannot blame yourself entirely for the break-up of your M. You need to look at what you may have done to contribute to the breakdown of your M and forgive yourself for those things and know that you cannot go back & change those things now. All you can do now is work to change those things in yourself. Then, as in the DB books, your H will truly see a change in you. That change can begin w/ your dealings w/ him on the child visitation issue. I know you have done some 180's on this issue, but sit down and figure out how else you may be able to do this. I truly do understand how hard it would be though to "let your kids go," however, if your H is going to continue the separation, it's going to have to happen sooner or later.

I'm really sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. The biggest thing you need to focus on is that DB'ing is NOT about necessarily getting your H to come back. It's about looking at you, making changes that you may need to make and becoming a wonderful person ON YOUR OWN. Become that woman that your H fell in love with again. Become that independent, free spirited, laugh-out-loud woman he met so many years ago. A lot of times, marriage and children dampen that spirit.