New -Devestated and Feeling Hopeless

[fooled again]

Ellis,

I'm glad to hear that you started your new job and that you have such a good attitude about it. This is the hardest part, believing in yourself, but before long you will see what you are capable of and be very proud of yourself. And I'm glad to hear that your D6 is enjoying aftercare.

When I first went back to work (after discovering my H's A) my D6 had a shock going to 1/2 day daycare (she was 5 at the time). She is still very, very close to me and clingy, so separation is a big issue. Even now after 1.5 years, big changes cause her to regress. You may want to prepare yourself for your D's many moods - she doesn't understand what's going on and she is looking to you for guidance. My D6 has her moments, and alot of it has to do with how I am feeling. It's as though she is a mirror of my feelings, like we are symbiotic or something. But dealing w/ my D6's acting out and talking back are a fact of life for me nowadays. I find when I am calm and non-reactive, she calms down much more quickly.

And I still have trouble focussing on my D6 when I'm distracted by what my H is doing or not doing. We are human and can't beat ourselves up about that. Your D may look to your H for the kind of man to love, but she will look to you more for the kind of woman she will become and what she does and does not deserve in life and in love. Your H may suffer when he realizes he is losing his connection w/ his D, but regardless if he figures this out before it's too late to undo the damage or after, you are there for her, and she is going to be fine, b/c you are going to be fine.

Also, you can't beat yourself up for making mistakes at the beginning like begging and calling 10 times a day. He may be saying that he was thinking of coming back just to validate his own behavior and blame you for everything. Don't fall into that trap - it was not your fault. If you read alot of posts, you may discover many people in your sitch (and mine) who were willing to DB and wait long enough for their Ss to come to their senses. Who knows. But you're doing great - new job, GALing, concentrating on your D6. It has taken me awhile to "get" that these things that we need to do for ourselves, we need to do them whether we're getting on with our lives, or DBing to get our Ss to come back to us. The "actions" are the same; its the state of mind that's different. If you do what you are doing, while keeping in mind the possibility of saving your M, that's DBing. If you do what you are doing while keeping in mind that you are "done" w/ your H and your M, you are getting on w/ your life. Some days I flip flop from one state of mind to another depending on what my H is doing or saying (or not).

I guess that's why one of Michelle's techniques is to "Fake it till you make it", and "act as if", which creates this state of mind that makes you better able to follow through with the "actions" of DBing. That's my take on it anyway, and I still feel like I'm new at this and trying to figure it out.

Keep it up. You really are doing great.
FA