Back on the Roller Coaster - OW still around

[Ellis]

Hey FA - as you know (got your messages) I have a 6yrd old D also and H has snuck her to meet OW twice - what are they thinking? Thats so damaging to the kids and confusing!! Do they ever think of anybody but themselves and their own needs when they are in the fantasy land of an A. What a difficult sit to have him show interest but still hanging onto OW - I like theodens advice. It does seem like your H wants to have his cake and eat it too with you and the OW. Maybe hes on the fence and just needs a "push" or a bulldozer in the right direction. Hang in there.

[fooled again]

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. I decided to take a few days away from the BBs to clear my head and get some perspective. Now I'm here to postulate and vent a bit, maybe work out some stuff on "e-paper" that's been rolling around in my mind.

In that time I decided to talk to H about what D6 had told me, as well as some of my frustrations of the past month. H & I were talking on the phone & he was telling me how frustrated he was feeling not finding a job, that he felt he was failing himself and me and D6. I don't know if it was the wrong moment to talk to him, but I did it anyway. He did not get defensive, but explained to me who that person was (H claims it was not OW but a friend of that couple). H also said he was glad I talked to him about it. H also told me he was uncomfortable seeing my parents who are visiting from out of town. At the time I felt it was a good talk.

BUT, I'm still not sure how I feel about that event. I suppose the majority of my problem stems from our S. Whenever he tells me he has plans to do something w/ his friends or will be away from me, part of me feels anxious that he could be seeing or talking to OW. It's such a catch 22 - I do feel that I am not ready for him to move back b/c I don't trust him, but him not living w/ me makes me feel anxious and suspicious. H also feels that it is too soon, since he does not want to live under "house arrest". How do we break this cycle?

The issue of transparency is so difficult w/ us being S - he tells me what he is doing & who he is spending time w/, but I really have no way of knowing if this is true. But I shouldn't be checking up on him. And I'm likely to take things like what D6 told me and conclude the worst.

I feel that I am going to continue to ride this roller coaster until:
(a) H moves back, or
(b) H is able to "prove" the A is over, or
(c) I stop caring.

But (a) is too soon for the reasons I've explained above. I've already asked for (b) and don't want to keep asking H b/c he already knows I want it. Plus, I suspect that H doesn't want to do a letter b/c if he is done w/ OW, he doesn't want to open that can of worms up again. Finally (c) is not a great alternative b/c I'm not done and I'm not likely to be done for some time.

I have been GALing, trying to concentrate on D6 & new dog & visiting w/ my parents. I even just got a new job which I start in 2 weeks, one that will give me more of a challenge and keep me busier than the one I have now. But I feel as though these are merely distractions. Is that it? Is that what GALing is really all about - distracting me - because that's pretty much what I feel most of the time.

So I guess I'm still here, at the "do my thing until I figure out what is the next step" stage. When I started doing this and I was reading about some of you who have been at this for years, I thought you were crazy. Who can do this for years and stay sane? How could a cheating S possibly be worth doing this for years? Now, I suppose it's only 50% of the time that I want to tell my H,

"Look at me! I'm great, we have a great D, a great house, a great dog! In short, this is a great life! Why can't you just get on board here? And if this isn't good enough for you, maybe you should just take a hike and go back to sneaking around with your tramp to your heart's content. Who needs you? Not me."

Obviously that isn't going to do much good if there is positive movement. Which is why the other 50% of the time I want to do what I can to make this work.

I know it would be very helpful to read other threads of people who have made it through this stage, post A, how they got back together after being S for some time, what worked for them as a couple and what worked for the LBS, since I know that the only thing I can work on is me. If any of you can point me to threads like that, I would be grateful, as I am for all of your thoughts, well wishes and advice.

FA

[limbo]

FA,

I think that the reason we stay and fight for so long is because we keep seeing glimpse's of the men they used to be, then man we fell in love with, who was good and kind.
We still cherish what we had and just aren't ready to walk away.
But there does come a time when you say enough, its just not worth it, but that is something only you can decide.

Good luck with the new job!

[BeingMe]

I felt the same way, FA! It's so hard to decide which road to go down. I remember thinking, "how much time do I give him, and how do I know how much is just wasted time?" Sometimes, we just have to go with the flow, until we hit a rock, and then deal with that when/if it happens.

I just started a new job too! So far, not a very busy one, but I hope it will get so eventually. I hate twiddling my thumbs at work, when I could be doing something else at home.

Take care.

[fooled again]

I know what you mean, and I suppose that is what causes us so much anxiety, being unable to rectify the two mental images we have of our Ss. We knew and fell in love with one person, someone who could never have hurt us, and in front of us is a completely different person, someone who is and/or has hurt us more than we ever could have imagined.

I suppose the reality is that our Ss are both, and the tough thing is to figure out if we can live with that reality and the fact that you will never REALLY know a person.

Thanks for the well wishes.

FA

[runningoutoftime]

A) Husband moves back. Does that mean he definitely, for certain, is not having an affair.

B) "Prove" the affair is over. Will you believe it? Won't you still wonder sometimes or be suspicious? How long is that proof good for? How do you know another affair won't start up?

C) Stop caring. That may not entirely be possible. For example, you might "care," and it might hurt to think it is happening or could happen again. A more realistic approach might be to work towards being stronger, accept what is and do the best with that. Works towards being the kind of person no one would want to risk losing... and if they are stupid enough to do that then accept their stupidity and weakness and stay because there is reason enough to do so, or leave because there is even more good reason to do so. And be content and emotionally secure (no anger, no blame, only good will) with whichever decision you make.

D) Decide you don't want to deal with it anymore and divorce. Get used having your daughter gone either half the time or every other weekend. Get used to her being with either a series of OW or a new step mom or two. Get used to being verbally bashed (either to your face or behind your back) by ex-husband and new girlfriends or wives, meet a new guy, date or marry him, and then learn he has "something else going on"... etc...

[fooled again]

BeingMe, I like your rock analogy. And I don't know if I've told you this before, but I really like your thread title "State of Mind" - I think about it all the time whenever I feel like I'm losing it. I talk myself down, saying "What you are feeling is only because of your state of mind - if you change that, things on the outside look and feel a whole lot different." It doesn't always work, mind you, but sometimes I am able to stop that freight train of emotions from running me over.

Glad to hear you have a lovely view (I read on your thread) of the islands - that would be my choice if I had one. I hope you get busier. My current job leaves me lots of time to twiddle my thumbs and contemplate the story state of my life. The new job promises to be more challenging and distracting - both things I desperately need at this stage of the game. Being home would probably be worse!

[fooled again]

Hi running,

A) Husband moves back. Does that mean he definitely, for certain, is not having an affair.

H moved out b/c of A - I don't believe he would move back if A was ongoing. Also OW would never agree to that.

B) "Prove" the affair is over. Will you believe it? Won't you still wonder sometimes or be suspicious?

You're right, proof may not do for me what I would hope it would.

How long is that proof good for? How do you know another affair won't start up?

This was H's first and only A, and I don't believe he would have another. My fear arises from him not being able to end his A w/ this OW, not that he will have another. I can't explain why, I just know what I know in my heart.

C) Stop caring. That may not entirely be possible.

I suppose I should have said, "Stop caring enough to continue to want to save my M." I believe that it is possible to stop caring by turning off those feelings. That is something that comes from being hurt so much and so often that one builds up a wall around themselves. I don't think it is healthy, but I believe it may be necessary in some sitches in order to survive and move on.

A more realistic approach might be to work towards being stronger, accept what is and do the best with that. Works towards being the kind of person no one would want to risk losing... and if they are stupid enough to do that then accept their stupidity and weakness and stay because there is reason enough to do so, or leave because there is even more good reason to do so.

Very true, and in the end, probably the whole idea behind DB and DR.

D) Decide you don't want to deal with it anymore and divorce.

This is, of course, the last option, but the one to choose for the sake of sanity if there is no other choice. I don't see myself as the kind of person who could continue to work through multiple A's, or an A that last for years and years. I am strong, but I am not that strong. After a point, I know I will simply walk away and start a new life w/o my H. The roller coaster ride can't go on forever, and I suppose it is up to me when I get off.

[runningoutoftime]

I definitely understand the sanity part and being "no other choice." At one point (for my sanity) I had plans to move to the other side of the country and leave the kids with H (that was a threat I used to use because I knew he would be overwhelmed as a single parent!) and I imagined myself on a Florida beach, tropical drink in hand, a stack of great books, and hottie guys walking by..... still sounds kinda good!

[micoms]

D is the last choice for me also, but W has already filed. I don't want it. I think she wants the D thinking OM who is M'd will join her. Don't know if he has made promises or not. I've also thought about packing it up and moving, not hard to do in my trade.

fooled how has H been lately? If my W wanted to recommit , it would be a while before I'd let her move back home. I guess to prove she really wanted to. Date for a while.

Mike